Dejection, Depression, Slump, The Blues

Dejection, Depression, Slump, The Blues. You tell me what you call it! I am going to call it hopelessness. I know there are people who know me and read this, but tonight, it's the middle of the night - it's me and this page.

I don't care how much I hide my depression or tell people I am fine. It's ALWAYS there. The past 2 months have been the worst couple months of my life. My depression is in swing full force. I am losing weight, my body is rejecting food, being tired, and have no energy is all I know. My diet consists of sipping on a pop all day to keep my sugar levels up and toast. Sometimes I can sneak better foods into my system. Most times I can't eat a normal meal without gagging it down and end result, throwing it back up. That's a waste of food! I have made a promise to a dear friend that I would eat three meals a day and sleep. The last 2 weeks I have failed miserably at eating three times a day, but I am sleeping. Every so often I get sleepless nights, but make it up the next night by sleeping extra hours.

Depression? What are my thoughts? Well my thoughts right now are kind of in order after talking for two hours on the phone late at night with my sweet sister. She seems to sacrifice so much for me, including giving up some sleep, when she is a mother of two energy filled daughters. We talked for two hours about my depression. I talked, she is kind of clueless on what to do or say right now. She wants so badly to help, because she loves me and doesn't want to see me this way. I told her that I am at the point where wanting to kill myself is my happy thoughts. I am so depressed that wanting to end my life is a happy thought. Yes, go ahead, ask the question I am asking, what the heck is wrong with me? I am pulling my hair out over wondering why I feel so worthless and hopeless. I wake up in the morning and before I can even open my eyes, just realizing I am awake, I want to go right back to sleep. I don't want to live, I don't want to be awake, I don't want to breathe anymore. I don't want to face anything. I can't believe I am where I am right now. I can't believe I told my sister how bad I feel. I am lost and I am starting to be scared of myself. I am so "down in the dumps" that I don't want to live with myself anymore. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. My clothes are starting to fall off of me. Life looks more and more pointless. I planned to move in with my sister and I was so excited, until I was blindsided with depression and self-hate. I am so better off if I was dead. The only hope I have right now is that I hope I die from God taking me home and not by my own hand.

I live with my grandma right now and today was the first time in a very long time she came to my room today and asked me if I was okay. Like I tell everyone and like I told her, "I'm fine." and she actually said "no, no you're not." For once she noticed and it was very heart breaking to me to know that I am so bad that my grandma noticed. She doesn't really believe in the whole depression stuff, but she can see how much I am hating myself.

Depression isn't just being sad. Depression feels like an endless emptiness. You feel hopeless. I don't want to be hopeless anymore. I don't want to feel empty.

Trying to find God in the darkness is hard and seems hopeless, feel like God abandon me. Except that statement isn't true, the bible tells me that. Psalms 139! Verse 7, "Where can I flee your presence?" Verse 12, "even the darkness is not dark to you." I may be in the pits, and may feel like I am in the darkness, but God is there. I have made the choice to turn my face away from God because I feel ashamed of who I am and of my depression. My darkness is dark because I choose to sit in it and let it devour me up. I abandon God. I choose to jump into the deep waters and struggle. I choose not to grab onto the life raft that is in reach.

So what is wrong with me? I don't have God. Solution? I need God.

Hurry up, January

When I wake up in the morning it's going to be December 1st. From that day I count down the days until I move and that is between 40 and 60 days. 

I don't have much else to say about it besides that those days can't be over soon enough. I'm so sick of fake people here. Goodbye past, hello fresh start. 

Wicked Hearted Sinner

I am diabetic. I am depressed. I have suicidal thoughts. I will tell you that these three things don't mix! Being a diabetic and depressed, you don't eat and your blood sugars are low. Diabetic and suicidal thoughts, it's so easy to not take insulin and eat much sugars as you want until your body has started to have organ failure. Or take to much insulin to kill you. 

You know it's very tempting! I will be honest, I have had hopes that one of those things would happen to me for a long time. Now that I'm showing signs, I'm not wishing it nearly as much. I'm accepting it just fine, though.

I haven't gone to the doctor but I can tell. My body is showing signs. I am only 18 but have nerve pain, the tingling, numbness, and stabbing pain. My eyes have moments where everything turns blurry. Ive lost almost 20lbs without trying much, unusual weight loss is a sign of uncontrolled sugars. Doctors told me to not let this disease run my life, I'm not, I'm letting it end it. Why?

What is wrong with me? I don't know. I let my life and my past keep me from my dreams. I don't let myself shoot for dreams because I've always expected God to take me home before I could ever do anything. I figured I would find just that last ounce of courage to end it all.

I'm emotional. I'm a mess or better term, a hopeless wreck. I can't be fixed by any counselor. No medication in this world could make me better. There are hugs I have received that have stuck me back together just enough to keep going. I don't want to anymore. You can say I'm down right selfish. I will, indeed, hurt some people if I ever did kill myself. So I will sink back down into my black hole of desperation and devastation. I will sit here and if anyone asks. I will turn on the battery powered light and smile, tell them everything is perfect! I'm doing well! And once they go away, turn the light off... I can do this as long as that battery light last. I will hide my face and drown in everything that is attacking me until I can muster up an ounce of courage to kill myself or muster up enough strength to pull myself out of this dark pit. I can find God in this pit, but I'm not afraid to admit that I'm ashamed of what I have become and where I have wondered off to. My heart is so wicked.

"Lord help me," I cry out, but yet I turn my face away from you and look for satisfaction in this world, and this world is turning this heart into something so wicked. I don't understand how I've made this choice, well I do, free will, but I don't understand why I haven't looked away. Maybe because sin likes the darkness and I stay hidden in the darkness.

How have I said "God, you aren't enough!" by all my actions and choices. I get angry with you because things change and for the worse. How can I be angry at God that doesn't change? 

I need to choose to delight in The Lord or delight in worldly things. My heart and brain want to delight in The Lord; but also, it chooses to delight in worldly things.

Everything needs to change. Change for the better, but I don't understand so much. I don't know what I'm doing! 

What am I doing? Where am I going? Why has my heart turned so wicked? Why have I turned away from Christ, where everything matters? Being satisfied here won't last! Build up for the kingdom, where things won't rot or be destroyed. 

I welcome death like it's nothing. I would bring death upon myself. Lord, that needs to change!

Lord help this wicked hearted sinner... 

Grief Stricken

I choose this photo as it is pictures of my nieces and a few of my sister. They are closer to my heart tonight.

I am so grief stricken at the tragedy that has happened in my small town. A family from my church lost their 3 year old son in a horrific farming accident. The family has requested that details aren't released. I can't imagine what heartache comes with losing a child. There is NO words to give when this happens. This is incredibly hard for me as it hits close to home. A very special family from my church, who is like family to me, lost there 12 year old son almost 4 years ago. It's hard to think that it's been 4 years and the pain still can be overwhelming. It was so hard to see this family go through losing their son, now I am going to watch another family go through the same thing. I wasn't close to the the family who lost there 3 year old son, but it seem so unreal as I just seen him running around, giggling only 4-5 days ago. It's so hard to think that life can be over in just a minute. Death is a reminder of that, but it's never a reminder you want.

I am thankful that our church is a strong church when it comes to support. We canceled Sunday school and our regular sermon today to come together as a church to grieve and pray, and to show support to all of us who are grieving the loss of this special little boy. We lifted them up in prayer. It was so very emotional as I sat there in church. A very close family that I sit with every week, has 5 children, with number 6 due in January. I am very close with them and I love their children so very much. They are like my family, as the kids call me their "big sister." One of the smaller ones, Charlotte, who is 4, stayed back from Children's Church, to sit with her parents, her grandparents, and I. I was sitting by her mom and she was sitting on my lap. I was holding her hand so tight! I asked God why this happened to this poor little boy? Why this little boy had to die!? As the tears ran down my face for a little boy that I only seen in passing, my heart ached so bad for this family. I thinking what if this was Charlotte (or any of her siblings) or my two nieces who live 14 hours away. I held Charlotte's hand a little tighter. I wanted to drive to my nieces and hold them and show them how much their Auntie loves them. I wanted to sit there holding Charlotte's hand, as life is so precious. I wanted to find her other siblings and hug them. I am not a mother, I can't imagine the pain of losing a child, but I still can't comprehend how I would be if I lost any of the kids who are so near and dear to my heart, let alone comprehend the pain this family is going through.

My heart is shattered, so broken. The past 4 years has been so tragic. Three kids have died in our county, two who drowned, and one little boy who locked himself in a trunk. My friends 12 year old son, and now this little boy. Two, 20 something year olds killed in car accidents, and those who have been in accidents and lived. It rattles me up as I am a driver myself, I think, what if it was me? 

Life is just a blink. This little boy was only THREE. 3 years old! That is not even blink!

I question God why, but who am I to ask this powerful God, why? I sit here tonight with more tears falling down my face, but instead of asking God why, I lift this family up in prayer. Searching my bible for verses that could be a drop of comfort or a remind that God is still in control. He is still a loving God.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

New Glasses

There is something about getting new shoes and new glasses that I absolutely dislike.

THIS. This is why. I just can't get use to this look.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Baby Girl!

Happy 2nd Birthday to this beautiful little girl! 2 years ago I got pictures of this sweet girl and my life changed, I became an auntie. Being an auntie is one the best things in the world! I am so blessed with this sweet girl, she is one of the most smartest little girls I have ever met. She started calling me and knew me as "Ah-Ah" before she even really started talking. I got to spend 35 days with her and she drove me up the wall, but every time she yelled "AUNTIE!" or said "I love you much!" My heart melted and I couldn't be irritated anymore. Leaving her after 35 days was the hardest thing, I would rather let her drive me crazy any day! She is at her terrible 2's which makes her a stinker butt! BUT, she is Aunties little stinker butt! She is also quite the talker. I can promise this little girl that I will love her as an Auntie, keep secrets like a sister, be there like a best friend, but most of all kick her butt when needed! I love you, Carrie Marie! <3

When God Isn't Enough

When God isn't enough? What!?

Wait, Casey are you telling me that God isn't enough? No, I am not telling you God isn't enough. He SHOULD be enough. How many times do you show that God isn't enough in your daily life. It's incredible how guilty I am of this.

Everyone has a best friend or there "go-to" person, whether it's your sister, brother, friend, or whoever it may be, you have someone you can trust and are comfortable talking to. Let me ask you this, so who do you run to when you can't "handle" life or something went wrong? Did you answer someones name other than God? You are guilty, just like me. I have multiple people in my life that I trust. My best friend/sister, two very special ladies from my church, both who love me enough to call me family. I tend to go to them when I am feeling hurt or discouraged. They lift me back up and tell me to pray about it. Well duh! I knew that. Okay? Well, why didn't I talk to God first? We all go to that person first because we want to be comforted or showed we are cared about or hope we will get the answers we want right than and there. Everyone expects pain at some point in their life, if it's physical or emotional. At some point in your life I am sure you have asked "why does God make life painful?" People tell us to pray about what is going wrong in our life, but sometimes the answers we get back we feel like He is rejecting us. We than are going by our demands again, God isn't physically there to see, but His ways and His answers are the best, even when we don't think so.

Yes, as Christians, we don't have perfect hearts? We fail, ALL. THE. TIME! Wait, what! SHOCKER! Have you noticed that when you focus more on relying on people your anxieties and fears take over? If we don't get what we need from that one person, we move on to the next, to find some sort of comfort. When the glory of the one true living God is no long our passion in life, that glory shifts to us existing for our glory and look for gods who will meet what we want and what we demand. When this happens we are sticking our noses up in the air saying "God, you are not enough."We should be looking at God as our "go-to" person. God comforts your anxieties and supplies all your needs. [Philippians 4:19]

6 days and anxious

It's October 1st today. Which means that in 6 days, I return home from visiting my sister in Ohio. I can't tell you how good it has been to be with her for over a month.

I'm worried though. I don't want to leave. I'm worried about how I'm feeling... I have prayed and prayed about what I should do. I feel God telling me to stay here because there is work to be done, but as of right now, I'm still getting on a plane in 6 days to return home. It's not that I'm not excited, I'm excited to return home to see the people I care about and love. To return to my church. To see my family! I'm looking forward to that, but I feel like God is telling me No, You need to be here, in Ohio.

I'm trying so hard to figure out what to do and to listen to Gods voice. My sister who has gone through some very hard stuff the last  two-two and a half years, is a mess. I won't put it lightly, she is a mess all around. I can look right past all that act and walls, I see her hurting and feeling lost. When I first arrived my sister would laugh and I saw so much pain in her eyes. When I see my sister laugh now, there is less pain and more joy. God has been working in me, to help her. My sister says she needs me and she might, but God is the one who works in me to be what she needs. I'm glad I can bring some joy to her life.

When I saw my sister the first time she visited after moving to Ohio, when she saw me, she gave me the biggest hug, almost tackling me and if I recall, she actually kissed me on the cheek, too. She also gave me this big smile, that sparkled. (Which she gave to her youngest daughter!) I don't see that in my sister anymore, I see heartache and feeling destroyed and lost. I have been here a month, but finally, I'm starting to see a small sparkle in her smile again.

I'm asking God not to let me stay in Ohio, but to place me where I need to be and to protect my sister while I'm away, it's not my job to protect her but I sure do try. I'm scared of leaving my sister as I'm afraid she'll lose the real smiles and the happiness she's seems to be finding again. I'm anxious about leaving because of what awaits back home, what will happen in Ohio, will I ever return, will my sister be okay, will my nieces be ok, do I have to leave, why do I need to leave? I'm reminding myself to trust God. To not worry so much. To let it be in His hands.

God's timing is perfect. Trust God. Listen to His voice. He has you in the palm of His hand,

Blessed with a Sister

Have you ever looked at someone and thought how lucky you are that God placed a certain person in your life? I know that feeling all to well tonight.

It's 3:00am here in Ohio. I'm visiting my sweet sister for a while and I have enjoyed every moment, even the tough ones. I'm sitting up just feeling over powered by how blessed and lucky I am to have her as my sister. I can't tell you how incredible she is. As my sister and I had a heart to heart hugging session tonight I was reminded of how much my sister does love and care about me. She reminded me that she'd go way beyond what she could to make sure that I know that I'm loved and that she'd do anything to keep me safe. She reminded me how much she needed me and that when I go back home, that I need to come back. My sister is one of those people that lights up a room with a smile or a giggle. She has a sparkle in her smile that reassures me that things will be ok and she gives hugs that somehow make my unsafe feeling disappear. She makes me feel safe and I feel like I can be me with her. She isn't always there but when she is, I always feel so much better afterwards. I love my sister so much. I'm so thankful for all that she has done for me. She is an amazing person that God made and she is so very important to me.

Thank you, Manda! <3

Photography in the Making

Here are some samples of my work;

My beautiful Sister and I 

My beautiful niece, Carrie

Forgiveness

I think forgiveness is an amazing thing, but in all honesty it's one of the toughest thing I have ever had to work on. This year we had a program called Life Action come to our church and God revealed to me unforgiveness in my heart that I had buried and I had no idea was there. It was turning me bitter. I'm thankful God showed me because it's something I needed to deal with. I am still working on it and it's really hard. It isn't easy for me to let go of hurt in my past and to let go of what people have done to hurt me. In my heart, I know it is what God is calling me to do or He wouldn't have revealed it to me. In fact, even without revealing it, it is what God asks us to do. To forgive. Christ forgave us, how can we not give that gift to other people in our lives. I am reminded of the passage where Peter asks Jesus how many time he should forgive his brother. 7 times? Jesus tells Peter not 7 times, but 77 times. (Matthew 18:21-22) He is saying that we should always forgive. No matter what. No Excuses. No Exceptions.

I was thinking today and realized how bad our world would be without forgiveness. Could you possible imagine a Mother or Father refusing to forgive their child[ren] because they did something wrong? This world would be chaos, let alone survive if there wasn't forgiveness. If we didn't have forgiveness families would be broken and wouldn't stay a family, friends wouldn't last very long. We are human, we aren't perfect, we make mistakes. We NEED forgiveness. God knows we need forgiveness and it's so important to God he has it throughout the bible. In the beginning of the bible, Genesis talks about two brothers, Jacob and Esau. Isaac, the father, was close to death and the older child would get the inheritance. Jacob and Esau were twins, but Esau came out first. Jacob wanted the big inheritance and Rebecca, the mother, helped Jacob with the scheme to fool Isaac into giving Jacob the inheritance. Jacob ended up running for his life, but returned many years later. Jacob was scared but when Esau and Jacob met, Esau showed Jacob forgiveness. 

There is probably times in life where you may have done something wrong and was scared to tell the truth. Sometimes people give you a reaction you wouldn't except, like Esau did with Jacob. 

Where is the Joy?

I don't know about you but I struggle with keeping my emotions in place and keeping focused on Jesus. Emotions are a tricky thing when it comes to women. I find it easy to let them control you and to lean towards the thoughts of unhappiness and depression when there actually are so many reason to be joyful.

So the question is, what do you do when you really can't find a reason to be joyful? When everything seems to be falling apart in your life?

Sometimes our situation are less than we expect. When someone dies, when your bank account says low, when you fight with your parent or spouse constantly, when you may face abandonment, poverty, abuse or a loss, what is there to be joyful about?

It's always tempting to be depressed and lack the faith, to just throw your hands up in the air and think that you have been defeated, that you'll never find joy again. 

When you are at that point, it's when Christ strength and passionate love comes in. We won't ever be joyful in and of ourselves. When we are faithless, God is faithful! When we are weak, God is strong! 

God is faithful; 2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself" 

God is strong; 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I think sometimes in our life we have to admit that life is tough. It doesn't make you less of a Christian because you're struggling. I have found that we are not struggling to find joy because God IS joy. God is joy just as He is love, and if you are in Him, you are covered.

Where do you find the joy in circumstance? You don't need to find it, the joy is already yours if you have Christ. Even when situations aren't the greatest, remember that you have a Savior who is the joy and who gives us life! 

When the Light is Missing

I haven't blog in a while and I haven't been able to find the words. My mind has exploded and the fragments that were once thoughts are everywhere. I know that I have taken 2 steps back and have been waiting for the step forward and waiting for my thoughts to stick back together in order but it hasn't come. It may be that I haven't been attending my youth group and not surrounding myself around other Christians, maybe it's distancing myself from people I am/was close to, who I use to see every week and won't talk to them, maybe it's not being in counseling... It could be multiple things. The darkness crept in without warning and the light started to disappear and then I knew depression was going to hit once again.


I use to feel incredibly guilty if I missed youth group or missed church. I haven't been to church in which feels like forever. I haven't went to youth group in weeks, it's been at least over a month. I have been to church on Sunday, but I feel like I am not connected to anything there, so I choose not to go. I know that I am distant from God once again in my life, but I have kept that a secret, no one notices if you don't see them. I have used the excuse that I have to babysit, it's not a lie, I do babysit Wednesday nights at 5:30. I don't have to, as the mother has another babysitter. I just would rather choose to babysit then to go to youth group. I feel I need a break from it, not a break from God, but a break from there. I can surround myself with His word at home, not the fellowship that youth group brings, but God's word. I just feel like I have lost so much joy with everything that has come up in my life that I can't even force myself to put on a fake smile. Church shouldn't be a place to fake a smile but to go to other believers and ask for prayer. I just haven't been able to do that.

Everyone has points where they feel low and don't have much energy. That is part of having these weak, human bodies. People can feel like it's just a gloomy day and can't feel much joy. Some people don't know why they feel depressed or what they call "the blues" or feel like they lost the joy they once had. It's depressing in general to know you had such happiness at one point and you no longer have it. It's more depressing to know that these things we think make us so happy, will not last. God is what you need to be to have true happiness. I have lost sight of that the past 2 month. Depression is just a phase, and that is why I haven't gone to my church or have gone to people I usually do. I feel like such a burden to even ask for prayer, as depression seems like such a pointless thing to pray for but yet it's something I struggle with and I know that I need prayer. I have prayed to God to help me out of this depression, this darkness, but what I have learned is that He will pull me out of this darkness and into the light once it's His perfect time.

So I will kneel at the foot of the cross, pray, worship, weep, or smile. I will just remember that God will bring me out of this darkness and back into the light once again.

When People Leave - Positive Outlook

People will come and go all your life, but you would never expect your counselor to walk out on you. I know it's not that she wants to, but other job offers came up. She took it. My counselor has been my counselor for 2 years. I can talk to her like I am talking to a best friend which is weird because I have this thing where I HATE COUNSELORS! She was different, she has always been different. If it wasn't for her the last 2 years in certain areas, I probably would have lost it or something. I am so very thankful for the 2 years of growing I have done in and out of that small office room. I still have a few more appointments until the very last one. We are going to celebrate 2 years and no goodbyes. She has kind of turned into a friend more then just my counselor, which I am okay with, because it makes it easier to talk to her. If my counselor would stay being a counselor, I would drive the extra miles to go see her and I would recommend her to anyone. Sadly, she isn't going to be one anymore. Most people think counseling is going to suck or it's going to be a horrifying experience, I know I did! I just got lucky to get [probably] the best counselor out there. :) (I know she may read this and cry but I mean every word!) She may have not been the best counselor for some but she was the best one for me. I am sad she is leaving but instead of getting all upset, I am going to be thankful for 2 years of growth and being thankful that it was AJ! <3

Those Little Ones

I have been trying to muster up some words to put together to make a blog post but my words and thoughts are everywhere. I haven't had much time this last week to even think about blogging. I have been at my friends house since Monday and I did not bring my computer. Even if I did bring it, there is no way I would have been able to have time to post something or have no distractions. Are you kidding? 5 little kiddos running around. NO quiet time. I wouldn't trade time with them for anything though. I love those little monsters so much! I felt so very loved this past week staying with them. Henry the oldest, who is 10, was talking to me outside while we were out petting and loving up on the baby goats. (YES. They are the CUTEST things ever!) I was holding one of the babies and our conversation went something like;

Henry; Casey, why did you leave in November?
Me; I moved out because I had more things going on at home that needed to be dealt with.
Henry; Oh. well since you have been here a week, does this mean you are moved back in?
Me; No, but do you want me to move back in? Did you miss me?
Henry; Yeah! You should move back in with us, we all miss you.
Me; Oh! :)
Henry: Is this like your home?
Me; Well, I love being here. It's like my second home.
Henry; Well, good. You should definitely move back in with us then!

This kid even called me one of his best friends this week.

I was shocked that even Thursday I got to spend one-on-one time with Jen all day. It was sure nice to be able to have some deep conversations with her about some things without worrying about one of her kids interrupting or hearing. Spending one-on-one time with Jen is so very rare so I felt very special that I got to spent some time with her.

All her kids just make my day but her baby boy, Gus, is only 16 months and he is just the sweetest thing. I love when he see me, he gets this big grin on his face, runs up to me, and wants me to pick him up. He is at the stage where is understanding what you are saying, so you can ask him for a kiss or a hug and he will decide if he'll give you one.

Charly, her second youngest, is such a sweet heart. One morning she came down at about 7:30 and cuddled with me till 9am. We could have snuggled longer but I had to get up for an appointment. She would look at me and just smile and kiss my cheek and say "I love you, Casey!" She then would snuggle up next me and close her eyes. She would do this over and over again. Her big blue eyes just make her face so precious. At one point it was so silent and Charlotte looked up at me and started laughing so hard and says "You're so funny" Completely random! She is such a silly, girl.

All those little ones make my life so much brighter. To feel so loved on a daily basis and to be able to love them just as much back. They run up to me and hug me and tell me they love me all the time. Those sweet faces just brighten up my life. I don't know how I can be grumpy when little Gus smiles that big smile and runs to me and wants up. Or when Charlotte snuggles with me. Or when Evie and Clara randomly hug me and tell me they love me. Or when Evie tells me I am her favorite Casey and her best big big sister. Or when Henry even asks if I can play legos with him so he can have some time with me, too.

I love those kids so much!

It even makes my life better when I get some time with Jen, one-on-one time or just in the evening when the kids are playing and her and I can just chat. I am so blessed with such a lovely family that God put in my life. They are like my family. <3

They don't even get sick of me! :)

Easter Excitement

This was our Easter excitement.

Snow blower vs Hand... 

Needless to say, the snow blower won by a lot.

Take me to the King

Take Me To The King By Tamela Mann Covered By Sarah Reeves


This song is absolutely beautiful. The first time I heard it, I just fell in love. So, "Take me to the King I don't have much to bring My heart's torn in pieces It's my offering" <3

Read All About It

Fell in love with this song. <3

"I want to sing. I want to shout. I want to scream until the words dry out"

Read All About It - Emeli Sande

Just Trust

I just need to trust God!

College. College. College. School. School. School. It's getting more nerve racking as graduation gets closer. I have decided to let go and apply for the college I feel like I should go too, pay the ridiculous fee and hope that it was the right choice.

Praying. Praying. Praying.

It's Just That Simple

Most of you know that I have had a really rough family life. A broken family. Well back in January when my Grandma was away in the hospital for a month because of replacement hip surgery I stayed with a very sweet family from my church. My family didn't accept that, they wanted me home, they wanted to control me. They were scared that Grandma wouldn't come home. They were mad that I didn't want to stay home. I requested to my Grandma months before that I stay away because I hate being by myself. I hate being alone at night in our little town. Our town is a huge drug town and 3-4 weeks by myself, I would go insane. So I do admit, I kind of did bail out last minute. I tried to get my family to understand but I couldn't get them to, I couldn't get anyone to listen. They didn't get that I was scared too, I need someone and I didn't want to sit in my house and see reminders of my grandparents. My grandpa, whom I have always lost, and my grandma who was in the hospital. I didn't want to constantly think and wait to see if I would get a call to say my Grandma wasn't coming home. My family told me NOT to go to my grandma with my problems but my family was harassing me on facebook and I couldn't take it. My family listens to my Grandma, so they gave me no choice but to go to her. Anyway, my family has pretty much shunned me. They barely ever talk to me, which I can't complain. The drama is now free but my Grandma thinks it's her that they don't come visit. Not exactly, they don't come up but when they do, it's the weekend I work so I am not there. They come and go while I am working. I would like to see my little cousins but I am not sure my family will let me talk or really speak to them. I miss them so much.

ANYWAY, to the point. You get it, my family and I have problems. Who doesn't? It's now a couple months later and my family and I still have a hard time. I don't want to be the family that just gives up. So, tonight, I changed it. I stepped towards them first. I sent my 2 aunts, the ones I have the most problem with, messages on facebook how I was sorry for things I have done and for making poor choices. That I want to be family again. That I loved them and I just wanted things back to normal. I apologized more then once just to be clear. I miss my family. I told my one aunt that it's just that simple; I miss her. I miss her being my aunt.

My family may be crazy and full of drama sometimes but they are MY family, God gave them to me. I miss them and if I can stay in contact with them and fix things with them, I will. I feel God has been putting this on my heart, I needed to show them love and not hate.

I stood up and am showing my 2 aunt's love. Love that will always be there for them. I hope they accept my apology and if they don't, I don't have to regret not ever trying. I at least tried and I know I did my best.

Praying that God gets a hold of their hearts someday. They need Him. <3

Words You Never Expect - Unprepared

Today started out alright, I stayed at a friends house last night and got up and did the normal things. Got ready for the day and read my bible. I couldn't stay long at my friend because I had a doctors appointment. I didn't expect much out of my doctors appointment. I was wrong. I checked in and sat down next to a very nice old man. He talked to me about how getting old isn't fun and we just chit-chatted for a little. The blood work lady then came and called me back for my blood test and said it would be quick and easy. Of course, she was right, I was in and out. Yay for healthy veins! She told me to go sit back out in the lobby so the nurse could come get me. The nurse came and we did the regular, weight, blood pressure, temp, and then went to that tiny room where you get asked all those questions. I waited for my doctor patiently and I heard some nurses talking outside my door and heard my doctor asked if they had my A1C and blood work back. Then I heard my doctor say "oh my gosh! That isn't good." My doctor then walked in and I asked her if I was dying. She looked at me and said that my results weren't the greatest. She then asked how I was doing and I said I was okay and explained to her all the problems I have been having, she said it was caused all by that my A1C went up to 10.2, they want it down to a 7 at least for me. That my body was starting to quit on me and if we don't fix it as soon as possible, I could die, depending on what starts to shut down first. It was hard to hear that because she said that if it doesn't come down, I could have a thyroid problem along with things that may be failing in my body and I am at risk of things like; Eye, heart, kidney disease, nerve damage, stroke, and lower brain function. For me that is huge, considering that I am only 17. She said that my body has probably started to ignore things like circulation to my hands and feet because they are cold all the time and that my nerve damage may have started because I get these spots that tingle and hurt. If my numbers don't decrease soon, it isn't going to be good.

I am scared because if my numbers and thyroids don't cooperate my body is going to start to shut down. If my numbers don't come down, I am at a higher risk of going into a diabetic coma.

2 weeks and it's back for blood work to see if things have changed and gotten better. Praying that things will be good and not worse and if they are worse praying that I will be able to keep my eyes on this God that works together for good.

Spill

It's 2am and I am wide awake. I feel tired but as soon as I try to go to sleep my body seems to be ready for a marathon. So here I sit writing a blog post with hopes that if I can get things off my mind, I will feel better. I am hoping I won't be so stressed out.

Lately has been hard for me, a lot of things are going on. My family is still going crazy. I hugged my aunt the other day, who recently told me I was worthless. I let all the anger go in my heart and I hugged her and I told her "I really do love you" and she looked at me and said "Do you? because I don't think you have a heart" I was shot down right then and there. My heart shattered crossed the floor. Once again I picked it up and put it back together. I picked my head up and I am still fighting. My aunt has loved me and been my favorite Aunt since I can remember. There is pictures of me when I was 2 or 3 having the biggest smile on my face, bigger then any other picture. She loved me like a mom and treated me like I was her own. 5-6 years back she had an aneurysm, 3 of them while driving. When she got to the hospital, the 4th was about to burst. She lived. Most people die after having just one. Ever since she has needed a lot of help memory wise and she has severe depression problems. I went over to her house so much just to keep her company. Well recently she just snapped and started treating me this way. It's so heart breaking because this Aunt has been so loving to me for so many years. If you know me, I try to stay away from friendships and bonds because they are nothing to people now days. They get broken like nothing.

I miss my mom. It's just that simple. Maybe more so now because I talk to her more or maybe it's because I get to see her about a week after my birthday. She isn't the greatest. I know she has been a horrible mother in the past but she did give birth to me and she didn't choose to abort me. I know she loves me. I want to meet her regardless of her past.

My step mom is having surgery on Monday. She is getting her entire leg cut open, from her groin down the inside of her leg to her ankle. She has a 100% blockage in her leg. I am so scared. I wasn't close to her to much growing up but she did a lot of things with me. But now we are closer then we have ever been and it's nice having her around. She has supported me so much and I am blessed with her. Out of all people she understands with how my dad is. He has been in her life for almost 14-15 years. She knows his anger, when other people don't understand, I know she will. She has been such a blessing to my life. I just recently learned how much she cared about me when I was little.

My sister; my biological sister, is a back stabbing liar. She has always hated me growing up and every one said it gets better when you get older. Well I was hoping so since I was little. Well lately she has been so nice to me and talks to me like she cares. Well I found out she is going back behind me and twisting my words to our family. The family thinks I am saying terrible things about them. She is also going and telling our step mom stuff that I have never even said. I am not sure if I am hurt or mad. It really bugs me how people can be so cruel.

Then there is dealing with my cousins death. I just haven't been able to face this yet.

There are the minor things like school, college, money, and other things.

I think it's time for me to go to counseling. I think I am finally ready to start to spill. I am starting to stuff everything again and I need to spill it instead.

This is my spill post, this is not a what I am going to do post or where I should turn. I am turning to God in this time of hurt.

3 nights - 4 days

Night #3. 3 very dark and hard nights. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I will never understand why just randomly I will get nights I can't sleep and I am unbelievably emotional. 3 nights so far, I have slept very little and I have been incredible upset or emotional. Today I didn't get much chance to be because I had a friend over but when she fell asleep last night, I could have had a breakdown but I decided it was a bad idea. I get like this every so often where I feel like I am having an anxiety attack, drowning, spinning, and overflowing emotions that I have been stuffed down for so very long. It doesn't help that I don't sleep, no sleep makes me emotional. When I am already emotional and then no sleep which makes me emotional, it's double the time. It's terrible. I wish I could be normal and manage my emotions better or I wish I didn't have any emotions at all. Nights like these as I sit here figuring out what to do with my hands so I can stop shaking momentarily. Typing does the trick, but if I stop to think about my thoughts, they start to shake again. I wish all these emotions that are there, would just come out and relieve some stress. Crying would be nice, too. SOMETHING. Just something to make me feel better. I have prayed and read my bible and nothing changes. So I do it again and still nothing changes. It's God's timing and I am where I am suppose to be. I am trying not to make decisions off of these emotions I am feeling but sometimes it's very hard. I am looking to Christ and leaning on him because he is my solid rock. I know this walk will be hard but it's a walk I am SO taking and a walk that is SO worth it.

Happy Birthday

Today marks my little sister's 9th birthday! Well, she is my friends daughter but all my friends kids are like my siblings. On March 10th, 9 years ago this sweet girl was born. I haven't had the chance to watch her grow since day one but I have been lucky enough to have her in my life for almost 6 years. This girl brings so much joy to my life. She sure is such a sweet, loving, and caring young lady. I have been lucky to watch her grow the last 6 years and turn into this sweet girl and to watch God work in her little heart! I don't know what I would without all her "I love you's" or her "you're the best big sister" and all her [big] attack hugs I get when she see's me. She isn't biologically my sister but I am happy to call/claim her as my little sister. Love this girl so much. Happy 9th Birthday, Clara! <3 

Also, Happy 16th Birthday to a Teenage Boy in Heaven. I recall thinking, it's not fair, he doesn't have to deal with this awkward teenager phase. He gets to spend those years with God. What a lucky kid! You get another birthday in heaven. Do you still get birthday's in heaven? Maybe. Maybe not. Here on Earth you would have been 16! I have a feeling you'd be spending your birthday outdoors. :) Happy Birthday, Trent. 

Blessing & Curses - Patience & Flipping

I'm not sure where to start with this post. What a surprise! I was sitting pool side and having this moment of wanting to just write. Maybe it's the fact that I was sitting with my friend and her mom and they both are typing or maybe there is something God wants me to write. So, here I am typing and trying to figure out where this is leading.


I am on a trip with my friend and her family. We are staying at a hotel for 3 days. I'm feeling quite blessed that they were willing to bring me with. I'm thankful that I got to get out of my small town for a few days. I can get so wrapped up on my regular schedule that I don't get time to focus on the very little things that I know will end up meaning the most to me. For example, I was sitting at this table with my friend and her mom and none of us were talking but it was "family" time. I'm not family biologically but they are like my family. If you have kept up with my bog, you know that I haven't had the greatest family life. My family is quite broken. Anyway, these little moment like this, spending time together means more to me then a lot of other things. I never had these kind of moments. These moments with a family. Anytime my family got together, something would break out or there would be tension or someone would be downgrading someone. Being with this family, there isn't downgrading, it's you lift up your sibling or don't speak. It's really nice. I miss that when I go home because it's constant downgrading. So, these little moments that I'm getting here, mean more to me then a lot of other things. I just never had these kind of moments. Taking time away from my small town gives me the time to focus on these precious little things and to focus on God. It also is teaching me patience. The family I am with is a family of 6 and we were in a room that is connected to another room so we have the girls and boys split but it definitely is teaching me patience, considering I grew up in a house that was my grandparents and me. I was around my step siblings quite a bit, but I could at least go home when I wanted. I have done really well this trip, only lost it once. Warning; don't mess with me when I am sleeping! Over all I am thanking God for giving me this family and for giving me this opportunity to come with them. I'm blessed beyond measure with this family.


This trip has been really good for me. I am trying not to be fake, because it's better to be honest before God than to be fake in front of others. I am trying to do what is best but then again, I don't know what is best for me because I know nothing. I have never known what is best for me, only God does. I don't want to fight God. This trip has been hard though, too. This family is the family that lost their son 3 years ago. I have felt like a replacement on this trip because I feel like their son should be here, instead of me. I am reminding myself that Gods plan is perfect and me being here is exactly where I am suppose to be. I have come to the conclusion that relying on people is completely idiotic! I'm serious! People are bound to fail you and God won't. I had a very hard night at the hotel missing my cousin and having a hard time with being here in general. I wanted comfort! I didn't want it from any one in the room or anyone here. I want God! I am desperate to fee what I was feeling. That comfort from God. I feel Satan tugging while I'm down. I'm trying to stay up but I feel like I am being dragged into this haze and God is getting so blurry. I know that this God that I serve and strive to glorify will take care of me. He will guide me through this haze and out into the clear again. So, again, I remind myself "Casey. Be patient! God's plan is perfect!"

Crazy Scary Good

Yesterday started out a normal Sunday. Well, besides waking up awfully early and having very little sleep. I stayed with a family from my church over Saturday night with a couple of friends. We got up at 5:00AM to head to this amazing, Christ-centered church that is 2 hours away. Our little army consisted of Blaine, Jean, two Lexi's, and myself. We made it to church a little to early, I think I should have been able to sleep a little more. We were all so excited for the sermon and Sunday school. We learned so much and I couldn't even take it all in. I could barely breathe with all this amazing scripture I was hearing but I just couldn't take it all in. My heart raced with excitement because I knew that things are changing in me. I recently got saved, I thought for years that I was but doubted it most of the time. It's nice to be free of doubt at this moment. All these sermons I heard over the years, I just couldn't understand them but now I can understand so much. What's more exciting then understanding, hearing, and knowing God's word? I have come to know and accept that this God is a loving God and His love is something I can have. I don't have to push or want to push God away, anymore. I can't even tell you how awesome it is to finally see God in this clear vision. I never had this grasp on Him before. For me it was so easy to let go of God when I needed him most. I would bail out before I could get a grasp on God. I was like a toddler, where a toddler is coming to you and you have your arms reached out for them and they turn away right before they get to you. I am thankful I'm finding this amazing God. I know that there will be many trials ahead so I am enjoying this grasp I have and this joy that it's giving to me to see God this way. It just makes my heart jump for joy to know that this God is now mine. If I could explain it any better I would, but this just makes me so happy, I can't find the words!


I am telling you this because on our way home from church, we got into an accident. 3 cars, 7 people, and God took care of each of us. No one was seriously injured, we all walked away with some whip lash and a probably a little traumatized. One driver hit his head on the window but had only a small cut but was okay. All 7 of us had our seat belts on, too, which seemed a little strange to me because so many people don't. God took care of us all, isn't He so good? Jean was driving, the two Lexi's, and myself. We were rear-ended and we then crashed into a car that was coming out of the gas station we were going into. It wasn't a bad accident but it still was terrifying. After the accident I reminded myself that God was taking care of me and being saved came to mind because what if I had died in that accident? I wasn't scared about dying, I knew that if I did die, I would have went to heaven. I am thankful I didn't because I had one of my best friends in the car and I wouldn't want to put her through that because her brother's anniversary was just last Tuesday which marked 3 years. I know that she would trust in God in it all and remind herself that it was God plan but thinking about it I can't bare thinking about that family losing me as well, even though it wouldn't be as hard as losing a biological child, a child you raised.


I am thanking God over and over the last two days. First yesterday for having the chance to hear the pastor preach our sermon and to hear our Sunday school teacher teach, too. Second, for protecting us all in the accident. Third, for keeping Lexi's family and I safe as we took a 6 hour road trip today. I have many other things to be thankful for, all these little things but my heart is just dancing that I have this God to hold me and protect me.


What a crazy scary good (Good as an amazing but more) God we serve!

Counseling - Hope For My Future

I have struggled my whole life with emotions because at a very young age I realized that my world wasn't wrapped and protected by love. My circle of protection had gaps, big gaps in it. Gaps of an angry dad, a mom that abandoned me, and a broken family. I realized at a young age that my mom not being around was wrong and being without my dad most of the time was wrong, too. I want to first add that living with my Grandparents was the best for me, they raised me very well with a great deal of love and tried to protect me how they could. We had our issues of course, but who doesn't? Anyway, I knew how things were, were wrong. I should be with my parents and not with my grandparents. I don't regret how it all turned out at all but there are days I wish my mom was here and I wish I was close with my dad and my dad was "normal." There were many days I would get so angry and I would take it out on my grandparents because I didn't think I was good enough for my parents, if I wasn't good enough for my parents, how could I be good enough for my grandparents? If my parents didn't love me, how could I possibly love myself? How could a God so great love me? I struggled and still do struggle with being loved because of my parents. I am not sure if that is the root of it, but I have thought for many years that it is. My parents were suppose to be there to teach me all the things I ended up learning on my own or being taught by other people. I tried my hardest to push away the feelings of being unloved, but they were always there. I remember one day when I was about 12-13 years old and feeling really down about everything in my life and I hated myself so much and this is overwhelming feeling of hate came over me. I then felt so suicidal. I didn't understand it at first, but then I realized if I feel this way, maybe its meant to be? Maybe I'm supposed to kill myself? I didn't say anything to anyone and just ignored it, this feeling came back so regularly it became a habit of saying "I just want to die." To this day, I don't think I am over that saying, of course I don't wish to kill myself anymore, there are days I know I would rather not go through the things I am going through, but I have a God that I will grasp onto and a God that loves me. I wouldn't choose to kill myself and if any of you that read this are thinking about suicide, trust me, it isn't worth it. Life DOES get better. I hate that saying of "things will get better" I seriously want to rip my hair out, but it's true, things do get better.

I felt like killing myself for months and months until one day, I told a friend, she freaked. For me it was so normal to feel that way, it didn't seem like a big deal. She ended up calling the cops and completely broke my trust with her. I don't blame her for calling because I have been in her situation with friends since then. Two cops came to my house and one of them called a place call ACCESS, a hotline for suicidal people. I talked to her for a good hour and I told her that I was fine, I had felt like this for a long time and I wasn't going to act on it. Luckily they all believe me. The one cop told me he better not be back here in a few days or weeks having to put me in a body bag. I promised him he wouldn't. At that moment, I hated my friend so much for ruining my life or so I thought. The cops had put it over the county scanner before they showed up. I was SO embarrassed because a lot of people had scanners and I had to go to school the next day. I was terrified my reputation had gone down even more. I was already the girl who got pregnant at 13 and aborted my baby myself and buried it in my backyard. (Oh the joys of rumors!) I didn't want to be known as the girl who was suicidal and a coward for not doing it, something that was true. Something I couldn't live down because it was true. The whole baby thing was just a lie and I knew it was, but being the suicide girl was true. I went to school the next day and I received looks from people and I thought they knew, but I let it get the best of me, no one knew. I was safe.

I started a horrible habit in 5th grade, something no one should start. I started to self-harm. I advise you to NEVER start. It's something that is so hard to stop. I won't go into my detail with this because it's something that I am trying so hard to get past and I don't want to go back to it. I still struggle with it to this day, I haven't done it in months, which is great, but it comes to mind when things get tough. One night I was extremely depressed and I knew that if I tried to self-harm, I would most likely end up killing myself so I brought myself into the ER. I talked to the doctors and they did blood work and a pee test, which I don't understand, I was depressed NOT on drugs, they had to check for other things, I guess. That night at 2am, I drove an hour and a half with my grandma and her sister up to a hospital to be admitted. I was so scared yet at the same time I was very relieved. I knew I was going to be safe and I couldn't hurt myself there. I was supposed to be there three days for evaluation and group therapy. There were quite a few kids there and for once in my life, I didn't feel so alone. I felt like someone finally understood. There were kids there that had overdosed and got put there as soon as they recovered, some had self-harmed, others had emotional problems like me. All the group therapy helped me out a lot, I talked out a lot of things. I thought I was going to go home on day three but I ended up being there for six days. I wasn't a fan of the doctor, he was really judgmental and a jerk, to this day I don't know why he is that kind of doctor.

After I got out of the hospital, I had the choice of going to day treatment or go to counseling. I hated both of these options because I had a counselor for a day and I told her I had problems and she told me nothing was wrong with me. I choose counseling because I wasn't going to go to day treatment with a bunch of kids who had anger problems and drug problems. That wasn't my problem, I had emotion problems.

It is now two years later and I still am counseling. I got lucky to get one of the best counselor out there. She is really easy to get along with and we don't butt heads every time we talk. It's been two years but it's finally starting to get easier to talk to her about things. As soon as I am 18 things are going to get a little more serious, because then I can tell her anything without her going and telling her boss and the county. I made that mistake once. I have been terrified to tell her anything so serious since! It wasn't her fault, it's her job, she had to do it. So for now, we talk as it is someone else's life so we can beat around the bush. I probably wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my counselor. Having my counselor as who she is, I can see hope for my future. Emotionally and Mentally she is helping me in many ways. Spiritually I am on my own, that is between me and God.

Now that I am starting to manage my emotions, I can finally manage my spiritual life. Since I can keep my thoughts together and they aren't blowing up everywhere in my brain. I can finally sit down and pray without losing my thought. My prayers would start out easy for me, but after a few words, I would start to stumble on my words and lose everything I was thinking about. My prayers always ended with "God you know my heart. I can't find the words." I am thankful that my life is starting to turn around, at least some. Being able to just comprehend things, I know it's silly but it makes my heart happy. I think now that my relationship with God is growing, I will be able to start letting go of this deep pain that is stuffed so far down. I will finally be able to break down this wall that all my painful memories and emotions are. I will be able to sort through them without losing control. I am looking forward to getting better. To learn how to deal with things in the right way and not stuff everything or throw it behind the wall.

So, my hope is that I will let go and break the wall down so I can move on in counseling. Counseling, it is a hope for my future.

Pouty Lips & Big Blue Eyes

I lost a close friend on the 18th of this month, he had brain cancer so it was only a matter of time. I hadn't prepared myself for it, nor did I want to. It was a hard day with losing him but that day also marked 3 years since I lost another friend. I couldn't wrap my head around both of these losses. I didn't know how to deal. That whole day I got to spend it with my friend, Jen and her 5 kids. The kids didn't know what was going on but I got so many I love you's and hugs through out the day. Them loving on me is normal but it meant more that day then any other. I needed it that day compared to others. I had some pretty good talks with Jen, too. She always knows how to get me to laugh or smile. They kept me sane all day and were pretty good distractions. I didn't have much time to think about it but it was there every time I wasn't distracted by a baby toddling away, girls telling me a story, or one of the kids doing something they weren't suppose too. I went home later that night and I spent most of my time in my room, not breaking down but just in a daze of "is this really happening? Is it a dream?" 

Well, Wednesday came along and things started to set in. I didn't know what I was feeling. My body wouldn't let my emotions out but I wanted my emotions out so I didn't know what to do. I was so confused! Wednesday nights I have SIGN or also known as youth group. At the end of the night I walked out with Jen and her family. Jen was talking to me and asking me how I was doing and I honestly told her I wasn't doing the best. The kids asked what was wrong and what happened? I will tell you that these kids love me enough that they were concerned that I was upset. Jen explained to them that my friend Josh had passed away and went to heaven and I was sad about it. The kids had pouty lips and sad looks on their innocent faces. I got hugs from them but I didn't want to cry in front of them or Jen. I wanted to keep my emotions closed until I was alone.

 So, I went to walk out of the church when I heard Jen say "Wait! Charlotte wants to give you a hug!" so, I stopped and turned around. Charlotte walked out of the door, with this huge pouty lip, with her big blue eyes looking up at me. I picked her up and she wrapped her arms around me, gave me a big huge, and she gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to break down crying as she had her little arms wrapped around my neck, squeezing me. 

Charlotte probably doesn't know the depth of losing someone at the age of 3, almost 4. But she does recognizes emotion. She recognized I was sad and even at her age, she wanted to make me feeling better. I think her hugging me meant more to me then an adult coming up and giving me a hug. I just love that sweet little girl. Her big blue eyes, blonde hair, silly personality, big hugs and her contagious giggle make my life a little more brighter! <3 

An Expression of Love

"Grief is not a disease. It's not an illness. It is, in fact, an expression of love." Dr Joanne Cacciatore

Grief is something that is in my daily life. I lost my grandpa September 2012. Today is one of the days that is really hard for me, today would be my grandpa's birthday. He would have been 87. Losing him, was one of the hardest times in my life because he was one of those people in my life that no matter what, he would never leave and would always take my side! He always stuck up for me and protected me, even when my aunts and uncles would verbally attack me, my grandpas OWN children. He always protected me. He had his flaws, no doubt, but I loved him for who he was. 

I don't know how to even deal with missing my grandpa besides cry. I was hoping and wishing to have some wise words for those who read this but I can't muster up any right now. 

I miss my grandpas smile. I miss his laughing. As much as it grossed me out, I miss his belching. I miss his stories from his past. I miss going to the store with him. I miss our dance offs. I miss movie time. I miss cuddling with him. I miss sitting on his lap. I hate being tickled but I miss him tickling me. I miss working out with him. I miss gardening with him. I miss waking up and playing cards early in the mornings. I miss eating breakfast with just him before Grandma got up. I miss him tucking me in at night. I miss the way he said “I love you”. I miss him saying “You will always be my little flicka” (Flicka means girl). I miss being able to talk to him. I miss him protecting me. I miss the smell of his tobacco (even though I hated it.). I miss seeing him in his flannel shirts, jeans, boots and favorite belt buckle. I miss going on random, unexpected truck rides and going to the store, just to buy me a treat. I miss just sitting in the truck while he pumped gas. I miss spending all my time with him. I miss his wrinkled face that always had the great smile. I miss his bone cheeks. I miss riding in the trailer when we would clean the yard. I miss his strong and loving hugs. I miss stealing food off my dinner plate or even hiding it when I wasn't looking. I miss the little things that you think you would never forget and you sometimes you do. I miss everything about him.

Losing someone, you can't prepare yourself for losing someone. We know that death will happen, loss is inevitable. Grief isn't something you will ever get over fully. Some sorrows never fade. It won't stay the same though, I read somewhere and it said "Grief changes shape but it never ends". So it never really goes away, you just sort of learn to make room for it. 

So tonight, I am letting the tears fall. I am letting God take this pain of grief because He truly is the only one who can help me. So my wise words for this post is, when you are grieving or have any type or problem, go to God. It seems that God uses the hard times because in that moment and the trails never seem to end, you can choose to lean on God's promises and truths. It's your choice to let God in or let Him watch on the side lines. If we didn't have trials we wouldn't be able to get the sweetness out of it, when God helps us. How we respond to trials is how we can show if we are bearing fruit in our life or not. 

I choose to let the tears fall but I also choose to let God work in me. So, as the tears fall and in midst of a hard time, I will rejoice that God is good but that someday, there will be NO more pain and suffering. I am rejoicing because of what Romans 5:3-5 says.<3

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. And hope does not not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." --Romans 5:3-5 

The Stubborn Darkness

"Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock"

Isaiah 26:4

I have struggled with depression for about 5 1/2 years. There is no better way to put this, but it's a pain in the butt! I remember when I would get really depressed, I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to get better but looking away and looking towards hope, it felt so risky. I thought looking away would be risky because what if God didn't come through? Or what if I didn't feel better and I was going to be this way forever. When I was depressed I didn't want to find hope because I was just so focused on putting all the little energy into staying alive. How could I try to add hope to my day or anything else? I couldn't focus on anything but the why questions. Why is this happened to me? Why love? Why work? Why do anything? Why believe? Why live? Why even bother? At one point I was put on some medication that made me so sick so I stopped it which didn't make anyone happy. I never have thought that medication would be the cure for depression. Everyone would always ask "Why are you so sad?" but it wasn't being sad, there is a difference between depression and sad. Depression is different because being sad, other people can be sad about the same reasons, but when you are depressed it's much different because it's more private and it's isolating. Depression, sometimes you have no reason to be that way, too. When someone is feeling depressed it's different for everyone, on how they deal with it because some toward their beds and isolation, others turn to people they trust and be open. Some go to God and some turn away. When depression hits, the worse feeling is when you can tell that the joy and happiness you just had, is just out of reach.

Have you ever felt hopeless or even worthless? Mentally and physically exhausted? I know these feelings way to well. Then you understand what the case of the "blues" are. I have tried to go to friends. They have tried to cheer me up, scold me, or even ignore me. Some of their reaction was something I would have never expected, good and bad. I have come to the conclusions that most friends do much better at physical needs then mental or emotional needs. Because asking how is your back today is more legit question then how is your head doing? This is partly why depressed people pull away from others. I needed God but I was to scared that if I turned to Him and tried finding him, he'd be no where to be found. Depression just doesn't affect your emotions, it effects your body too.. Most people will just forget God and go straight to a world thing, usually medical treatment, because taking a pill is much easier then seeking God. We don't seek God because we just get so wrapped up in worldly things or we get lost when we focus on our own needs and wants. I was a weird kind of person who tried to be noble and make the best of being in this dark pit, wondering why I couldn't get satisfied or why I couldn't be mature enough to be content where I was at. I started thinking that after I heard a message at church about the apostle Paul being content in every circumstance. (Philippians 4:11-12) Later on it occurred to me that maybe being in this pit was one place I wasn't suppose to be content in. We grow so accustomed to the surroundings of our pit that we don't even try to think of moving on without it because it becomes the norm. I am thanking God that I never was content in that pit. I finally quit trying to make the best of it and finally wanted out. I tried to run from it and I thought I did at times because I had just a moment of relief but that pit was always there. No matter where I went, my depression/pit always fit with me.

I recently have had a new out look on depression. I use to think that depression was an enemy that robbed me of my life but I see it now as an opportunity for self examination and spiritual growth. God did end up using my depression for good. After 5 1/2 years of fighting depression, I am finally seeing God is giving me hope and is giving me freedom from it. It's so breathtaking sometimes to see my life changing in so many ways, and having God by my side. It's breathtaking to hear others say "God is working in you!" "God is doing good, good stuff in you!" I was doubting God so much during my depression because I thought God would never use someone like me, I wasn't worth anything to me so why would I be to God? But God pulled me outta this depression but now I see that I am a daughter of the Risen King!

If I wouldn't have gone through this depression, the moments I had since, wouldn't be so sweet. When I get happy over little things, they are much more sweeter then they would be if I didn't go through depression and be in a pit for quite sometime. I have said other times before, God's timing is perfect. He is so good!

"The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble"

Psalms 9:9

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."

John 14:27

Listen to Our Hearts

I have posted quite a few songs on my blog so here is another!

Listen to Our Hearts by Casting Crowns

"How do you explain, How do you describe, a love that goes from east to west and runs as deep as it is wide?"

When Life Hurts

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope"

Jeremiah 29:11

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

I have been waiting to find words for this kind of post. I am not even sure I will have the right ones now. I promised myself that this blog would have parts of my life in it. Today is that day that bring in the awful part of my life; Abuse. It always was a hard subject for me to talk about and it still is but it's easier now because I am trusting in God and that in the end the abuse I have endured, God will use it for good. This is a time where I needed to seek God. I have held in all these emotions but it's time for me to find hope and healing in the pain I have carried for so long.

We all have some kind of emotional pain that we don't know how to deal with but I am hoping that telling my story and where I am now, will give hope to those who read this. Growing up my mom was never around and my dad had to work 2 jobs so I lived with my dad's parents. My grandparents raised me since I have been 8 months old. My dad isn't the greatest of all people, he likes things his way and that's how it is. If he doesn't like something, you know it. He has always been verbally abusive, not just to me but to others too. I am not quite sure if he realize how bad he can get. A recent incident, for example, he told me that I was worthless and when I had the chance to kill myself, I should have. He was really angry and he doesn't know how to control it. I have never lived with my dad and I am thankful that I never have. For awhile I hated him for not being there because he was suppose to protect me. I had a difficult time dealing with that after I was sexual abused in February when I was almost 12. It was very life changing for me, considering I grew up being so protected by my grandparents, I didn't understand what happened. My grandparents are people who think showing emotion is pointless and you shouldn't. So when this happened, I didn't know how to react. I was struggling with God and I hated God for letting it happened and It really pushed me over the edge. I thought what happened was my fault, so I didn't say anything, until just recently. With my father never being around and hearing shame on you a lot, after this attack happened it all turned to shame on me instead of others telling me shame on you. I couldn't handle the thought of what happened to me so I pushed in down as far I could, I thought everything in me died that night. I felt like I fell into a deep dark pit and I never would get out. I shut it out completely, months later I met this wonderful, godly woman from my church. She needed help with VBS and someone asked me if I would help her. I felt so far away from God but I continued to go to church regularly afterwards. I was hesitate in my mind to help her out but I said I would. During this week of VBS, I got to know this woman. Now almost 6 years later, her and I are very close. She has been there for me so much and always pointed me to God. I never wanted anything to with God because I blamed him, plus myself for what happened to me. I tried so many times to push this friend away because I couldn't deal with being loved or thinking that someone really loved and cared about me. I kept telling myself she didn't love me and she would eventually leave like so many other people in my life but she pushed through my walls every time and proved me wrong. To this day, she still proves me wrong, she hasn't left. Through all my troubles, emotions, past, and flaws, she still shows me she loves me. God used this friend (along with many others in my life) in so many ways in my life, I thought it was her but I then I finally seen that it was all God's doing.

It's now 6 years past what happened. Recently I was really struggling with it but I thought I had dealt with it in the right way because I go to counseling and talk to my counselor about it. I was so wrong! I didn't deal with it the right way, yes, counseling has done wonders for me emotionally but nothing spiritually or that deep deep pain I yet to hide and have carried around so long. For those of you that don't know me, I am a person who doesn't let go of things and a person who wants to just fix everything. I know that isn't possible but I still try. So for the first time I let go of my hurt and tears and I let God take it all. I never knew what peace was until I let it go to God. When I let go, I just prayed and prayed to God to help me because I was so sick of doing it on my own but I finally realized that I couldn't do it on my own. This deep pain I had stuffed down for so long was starting seep out and I couldn't hide it anymore.

Thanksgiving was when I really started to breakdown. I had many emotions and thoughts going through my head. I was at a friends house when I first started to break, I left in a very rude way but they forgave me and let me go. Weeks later I found God; finding God in the hardest part of my life was incredible. I thought God had forgotten about me and didn't care. I thought he wasn't working in my life but if I know anything, I do know that God's timing is perfect and it was perfect. He helped me when he knew was best. I could finally stop holding my breath and feel again. I could exhale and let the fake person I was go. I could stop being so isolated. I could let go of the substitutions that was keeping me from God and from healing. Everything I tried to make things better, made it worse or it was a very temporary relief.

God got a hold of my heart and I finally have a slight grip on Him. I don't ever want to let go. He has me wrapped in this peace that I could never get from anywhere else. He has me overflowing with love and forgiveness for people I have had such a bitter heart towards. I have forgiven my father for neglecting me and for verbally abusing me. I forgive the man who sexual abused me. I forgive my family who has treated me awful. I forgive all those kids in school that bullied me. I don't know why I couldn't find God before or see this before, but I know the answer to that, it's much sweeter now than it would have been then. God had me and has me exactly where I am suppose to be. When ever things are positive or negative, God has you exactly where you are suppose to be, so never give up on God. These horrible trials you go through God will use them for good someday.

I can't wait for eternity to start and to just be God face to face. <3

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

James 1:12

"In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them."

Isaiah 63:9a

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect"

Romans 12:2