I have struggled my whole life with emotions because at a very young age I realized that my world wasn't wrapped and protected by love. My circle of protection had gaps, big gaps in it. Gaps of an angry dad, a mom that abandoned me, and a broken family. I realized at a young age that my mom not being around was wrong and being without my dad most of the time was wrong, too. I want to first add that living with my Grandparents was the best for me, they raised me very well with a great deal of love and tried to protect me how they could. We had our issues of course, but who doesn't? Anyway, I knew how things were, were wrong. I should be with my parents and not with my grandparents. I don't regret how it all turned out at all but there are days I wish my mom was here and I wish I was close with my dad and my dad was "normal." There were many days I would get so angry and I would take it out on my grandparents because I didn't think I was good enough for my parents, if I wasn't good enough for my parents, how could I be good enough for my grandparents? If my parents didn't love me, how could I possibly love myself? How could a God so great love me? I struggled and still do struggle with being loved because of my parents. I am not sure if that is the root of it, but I have thought for many years that it is. My parents were suppose to be there to teach me all the things I ended up learning on my own or being taught by other people. I tried my hardest to push away the feelings of being unloved, but they were always there. I remember one day when I was about 12-13 years old and feeling really down about everything in my life and I hated myself so much and this is overwhelming feeling of hate came over me. I then felt so suicidal. I didn't understand it at first, but then I realized if I feel this way, maybe its meant to be? Maybe I'm supposed to kill myself? I didn't say anything to anyone and just ignored it, this feeling came back so regularly it became a habit of saying "I just want to die." To this day, I don't think I am over that saying, of course I don't wish to kill myself anymore, there are days I know I would rather not go through the things I am going through, but I have a God that I will grasp onto and a God that loves me. I wouldn't choose to kill myself and if any of you that read this are thinking about suicide, trust me, it isn't worth it. Life DOES get better. I hate that saying of "things will get better" I seriously want to rip my hair out, but it's true, things do get better.
I felt like killing myself for months and months until one day, I told a friend, she freaked. For me it was so normal to feel that way, it didn't seem like a big deal. She ended up calling the cops and completely broke my trust with her. I don't blame her for calling because I have been in her situation with friends since then. Two cops came to my house and one of them called a place call ACCESS, a hotline for suicidal people. I talked to her for a good hour and I told her that I was fine, I had felt like this for a long time and I wasn't going to act on it. Luckily they all believe me. The one cop told me he better not be back here in a few days or weeks having to put me in a body bag. I promised him he wouldn't. At that moment, I hated my friend so much for ruining my life or so I thought. The cops had put it over the county scanner before they showed up. I was SO embarrassed because a lot of people had scanners and I had to go to school the next day. I was terrified my reputation had gone down even more. I was already the girl who got pregnant at 13 and aborted my baby myself and buried it in my backyard. (Oh the joys of rumors!) I didn't want to be known as the girl who was suicidal and a coward for not doing it, something that was true. Something I couldn't live down because it was true. The whole baby thing was just a lie and I knew it was, but being the suicide girl was true. I went to school the next day and I received looks from people and I thought they knew, but I let it get the best of me, no one knew. I was safe.
I started a horrible habit in 5th grade, something no one should start. I started to self-harm. I advise you to NEVER start. It's something that is so hard to stop. I won't go into my detail with this because it's something that I am trying so hard to get past and I don't want to go back to it. I still struggle with it to this day, I haven't done it in months, which is great, but it comes to mind when things get tough. One night I was extremely depressed and I knew that if I tried to self-harm, I would most likely end up killing myself so I brought myself into the ER. I talked to the doctors and they did blood work and a pee test, which I don't understand, I was depressed NOT on drugs, they had to check for other things, I guess. That night at 2am, I drove an hour and a half with my grandma and her sister up to a hospital to be admitted. I was so scared yet at the same time I was very relieved. I knew I was going to be safe and I couldn't hurt myself there. I was supposed to be there three days for evaluation and group therapy. There were quite a few kids there and for once in my life, I didn't feel so alone. I felt like someone finally understood. There were kids there that had overdosed and got put there as soon as they recovered, some had self-harmed, others had emotional problems like me. All the group therapy helped me out a lot, I talked out a lot of things. I thought I was going to go home on day three but I ended up being there for six days. I wasn't a fan of the doctor, he was really judgmental and a jerk, to this day I don't know why he is that kind of doctor.
After I got out of the hospital, I had the choice of going to day treatment or go to counseling. I hated both of these options because I had a counselor for a day and I told her I had problems and she told me nothing was wrong with me. I choose counseling because I wasn't going to go to day treatment with a bunch of kids who had anger problems and drug problems. That wasn't my problem, I had emotion problems.
It is now two years later and I still am counseling. I got lucky to get one of the best counselor out there. She is really easy to get along with and we don't butt heads every time we talk. It's been two years but it's finally starting to get easier to talk to her about things. As soon as I am 18 things are going to get a little more serious, because then I can tell her anything without her going and telling her boss and the county. I made that mistake once. I have been terrified to tell her anything so serious since! It wasn't her fault, it's her job, she had to do it. So for now, we talk as it is someone else's life so we can beat around the bush. I probably wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my counselor. Having my counselor as who she is, I can see hope for my future. Emotionally and Mentally she is helping me in many ways. Spiritually I am on my own, that is between me and God.
Now that I am starting to manage my emotions, I can finally manage my spiritual life. Since I can keep my thoughts together and they aren't blowing up everywhere in my brain. I can finally sit down and pray without losing my thought. My prayers would start out easy for me, but after a few words, I would start to stumble on my words and lose everything I was thinking about. My prayers always ended with "God you know my heart. I can't find the words." I am thankful that my life is starting to turn around, at least some. Being able to just comprehend things, I know it's silly but it makes my heart happy. I think now that my relationship with God is growing, I will be able to start letting go of this deep pain that is stuffed so far down. I will finally be able to break down this wall that all my painful memories and emotions are. I will be able to sort through them without losing control. I am looking forward to getting better. To learn how to deal with things in the right way and not stuff everything or throw it behind the wall.
So, my hope is that I will let go and break the wall down so I can move on in counseling. Counseling, it is a hope for my future.
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