Spill

It's 2am and I am wide awake. I feel tired but as soon as I try to go to sleep my body seems to be ready for a marathon. So here I sit writing a blog post with hopes that if I can get things off my mind, I will feel better. I am hoping I won't be so stressed out.

Lately has been hard for me, a lot of things are going on. My family is still going crazy. I hugged my aunt the other day, who recently told me I was worthless. I let all the anger go in my heart and I hugged her and I told her "I really do love you" and she looked at me and said "Do you? because I don't think you have a heart" I was shot down right then and there. My heart shattered crossed the floor. Once again I picked it up and put it back together. I picked my head up and I am still fighting. My aunt has loved me and been my favorite Aunt since I can remember. There is pictures of me when I was 2 or 3 having the biggest smile on my face, bigger then any other picture. She loved me like a mom and treated me like I was her own. 5-6 years back she had an aneurysm, 3 of them while driving. When she got to the hospital, the 4th was about to burst. She lived. Most people die after having just one. Ever since she has needed a lot of help memory wise and she has severe depression problems. I went over to her house so much just to keep her company. Well recently she just snapped and started treating me this way. It's so heart breaking because this Aunt has been so loving to me for so many years. If you know me, I try to stay away from friendships and bonds because they are nothing to people now days. They get broken like nothing.

I miss my mom. It's just that simple. Maybe more so now because I talk to her more or maybe it's because I get to see her about a week after my birthday. She isn't the greatest. I know she has been a horrible mother in the past but she did give birth to me and she didn't choose to abort me. I know she loves me. I want to meet her regardless of her past.

My step mom is having surgery on Monday. She is getting her entire leg cut open, from her groin down the inside of her leg to her ankle. She has a 100% blockage in her leg. I am so scared. I wasn't close to her to much growing up but she did a lot of things with me. But now we are closer then we have ever been and it's nice having her around. She has supported me so much and I am blessed with her. Out of all people she understands with how my dad is. He has been in her life for almost 14-15 years. She knows his anger, when other people don't understand, I know she will. She has been such a blessing to my life. I just recently learned how much she cared about me when I was little.

My sister; my biological sister, is a back stabbing liar. She has always hated me growing up and every one said it gets better when you get older. Well I was hoping so since I was little. Well lately she has been so nice to me and talks to me like she cares. Well I found out she is going back behind me and twisting my words to our family. The family thinks I am saying terrible things about them. She is also going and telling our step mom stuff that I have never even said. I am not sure if I am hurt or mad. It really bugs me how people can be so cruel.

Then there is dealing with my cousins death. I just haven't been able to face this yet.

There are the minor things like school, college, money, and other things.

I think it's time for me to go to counseling. I think I am finally ready to start to spill. I am starting to stuff everything again and I need to spill it instead.

This is my spill post, this is not a what I am going to do post or where I should turn. I am turning to God in this time of hurt.