I haven't written in so long...SO many unfinished posts and so little time. I have decided to just write out a letter to my younger brother that I have never met... He is 2 years younger then me so that would make him about 14. My grandma just recently gave me 2 pictures of my baby brother when he was 9 months old. I vaguely remember seeing this pictures when I was younger. I must of been 5-6 years old when I found the letter from my biological mom with those 2 pictures of my baby brother. I have longed for to see those pictures again, thinking they were gone for good. I was trying to read the letter but I couldn't read very well yet and my grandma came in just furious and took the letter and gave it to my dad. We didn't know she had kept the pictures but she was going through drawers and found them. Looking at those pictures put tears in my eyes for two different reasons. One, because I wish I knew him and even not knowing him, I miss him. Second, I am overly happy that he got adopted by wonderful people. SO, here goes nothing, here is my letter to my brother..
Dear Jonathan(Jon-Jon)
I've known about you for 10 or 11 years now. I don't even know the day you were born besides it must of been in January of 1998. I know that when you were born you had big brown eyes and we share the same mother, but that's all I know. That is all the information I've ever known about you. You'll be 15 this coming year, as I will be 17. Mom, our mom hasn't been in my life at all since I was 1 years old. She has recently come back into my life. I have gotten to talk to her a few times through our big sister Lataija. I think she got to meet you once. Mom says she has cleaned up her act but I am not sure if she is telling the truth. It's hard to believe her sometimes. My grandma gave me 2 pictures of you the other day, you were only 9 months old... On the back it says to my sister from your baby brother. I wonder if you got pictures of me? Sometimes it seems to impossible. There is that 50% chance you don't even know any of us exist or if you even know your adopted. I have moments when I know you turn 18 to try and find you but I am scared that you may call me a liar and reject me. I am waiting here to know that you are alive and okay. You probably don't even know I exist or your older brother and sister. When I first learned that I had a baby brother in the world somewhere, I was so shocked. I grew up with out any siblings, besides my other sister who is on my dad's not our moms. I never seen her much either. Then there was the time I learned you existed along with 4 others! 2 older siblings and 2 younger siblings. I was then excited to know I had that big family to, that I always wanted as a kid but then sad because I knew none of were ever together. Jealousy started to take over to. You were adopted by a family that could provide for you and that would love you. That wanted you! While I spent my life with my grandparents who were much older and couldn't do much with me (which hasn't be bad, they just don't understand a lot of things) and a very complicated Dad that popped in and out when he wanted. I do ask that you forgive me for being jealous. It was very dumb of me, because I have been lucky to have my grandma and grandpa. I want to meet you, I want you to be a part of my life. I want to be a part of yours. I'm terrified that if I ever found you, you would reject me. You'd want nothing to do with me. So until I have the courage to hopefully come find you someday. I will wait and just keep knowing you exist someone in this big world. Until then I will love you, for nothing more than just being my baby brother. I love you, Jon-Jon.
Love,
Your Big Sister
My baby brother at 9 months old.
