A love for a baby brother

I haven't written in so long...SO many unfinished posts and so little time. I have decided to just write out a letter to my younger brother that I have never met... He is 2 years younger then me so that would make him about 14. My grandma just recently gave me 2 pictures of my baby brother when he was 9 months old. I vaguely remember seeing this pictures when I was younger. I must of been 5-6 years old when I found the letter from my biological mom with those 2 pictures of my baby brother. I have longed for to see those pictures again, thinking they were gone for good. I was trying to read the letter but I couldn't read very well yet and my grandma came in just furious and took the letter and gave it to my dad. We didn't know she had kept the pictures but she was going through drawers and found them. Looking at those pictures put tears in my eyes for two different reasons. One, because I wish I knew him and even not knowing him, I miss him. Second, I am overly happy that he got adopted by wonderful people. SO, here goes nothing, here is my letter to my brother..

Dear Jonathan(Jon-Jon)

I've known about you for 10 or 11 years now. I don't even know the day you were born besides it must of been in January of 1998. I know that when you were born you had big brown eyes and we share the same mother, but that's all I know. That is all the information I've ever known about you. You'll be 15 this coming year, as I will be 17. Mom, our mom hasn't been in my life at all since I was 1 years old. She has recently come back into my life. I have gotten to talk to her a few times through our big sister Lataija. I think she got to meet you once. Mom says she has cleaned up her act but I am not sure if she is telling the truth. It's hard to believe her sometimes. My grandma gave me 2 pictures of you the other day, you were only 9 months old... On the back it says to my sister from your baby brother. I wonder if you got pictures of me? Sometimes it seems to impossible. There is that 50% chance you don't even know any of us exist or if you even know your adopted. I have moments when I know you turn 18 to try and find you but I am scared that you may call me a liar and reject me. I am waiting here to know that you are alive and okay. You probably don't even know I exist or your older brother and sister. When I first learned that I had a baby brother in the world somewhere, I was so shocked. I grew up with out any siblings, besides my other sister who is on my dad's not our moms. I never seen her much either. Then there was the time I learned you existed along with 4 others! 2 older siblings and 2 younger siblings. I was then excited to know I had that big family to, that I always wanted as a kid but then sad because I knew none of were ever together. Jealousy started to take over to. You were adopted by a family that could provide for you and that would love you. That wanted you! While I spent my life with my grandparents who were much older and couldn't do much with me (which hasn't be bad, they just don't understand a lot of things) and a very complicated Dad that popped in and out when he wanted. I do ask that you forgive me for being jealous. It was very dumb of me, because I have been lucky to have my grandma and grandpa. I want to meet you, I want you to be a part of my life. I want to be a part of yours. I'm terrified that if I ever found you, you would reject me. You'd want nothing to do with me. So until I have the courage to hopefully come find you someday. I will wait and just keep knowing you exist someone in this big world. Until then I will love you, for nothing more than just being my baby brother. I love you, Jon-Jon.

Love,

Your Big Sister

                                              My baby brother at 9 months old.

Book Reading

Today you will see me like this <3 I am very much enjoying this book. (Bloom; Finding Beauty in the unexpected By Kelle Hampton)

Bloom

So I found this book on Amazon that is called "Bloom; finding beauty in the unexpected by Kelle Hampton" If you haven't heard of it, I suggest watch the Book Trailer. (Click Here) I watched this video, I cried but smiled to. I ordered the book, of course, anxiously a waiting its arrival. I got in the mail today! As soon as I got it in the house, i ripped open the box and pulled the beautiful book out. I sat down and started reading. Even after the first 10 pages of reading, I started to cry. There's so much emotion going on...grieft, sorrow, laughter, joy, and love expressed through the first 50 pages! While reading it feels like I am alongside Kelle. The love her friends show to her through the first 50 pages is incredible. I am getting sleepy but I want to just read and read and read through this book. Reading this book so far has been an emotional but it's a very inspiring! 

  

Memories Of Him

Tonight, I was sitting at my friends house who has two kids. I was holding the youngest, who is a day away from being 5 months old!! I was holding him while he slept away on me and looked so peaceful. I had the feeling all of a sudden that I never wanted to let him go because this world is a crazy world, with tons of sin around. Then that made me think about sin and death and Jesus. Finally it lead to me thinking about my dear friend, who is like a mother to me! I was thinking about her 12 year old son... If you have followed my blog or have just run across it, this 12 year old boy was taking up to heaven last year after an accident. He had the sweetest smile! His laugh, I still can hear it now! I think of all the times I had with him, he was like a brother to me! Tonight I wanted to just break down and cry because I missed him so much but I ended up smiling because I remember the memories i had with him. I remember him bringing me and a few others to go see a baby cow but the daddy cow did not like it very much and we all just decided to book it out of the area the cows were in! I remember the time I was at his house and I was just super tired and had a head ache, and all of us, his brother and sisters and I were upstairs in his sisters room watching star wars. I fell asleep right away in the beginning...I woke up when it was about done, I looked at the TV and goes so who is this guy? Trent just looked at me like I was crazy!!! He and the rest of his siblings were all like "HE IS THE MAIN CHARACTER!" I started laughing and said how would I know! Trent just looked at me laughing :) He sure liked those Star Wars! I can't forget the time that I was at his house for Thanksgiving (Actually 3 years in a row) and we all were playing spoons! Trent I think was filming our game, (Remind you, its a very INTENSE game and having a wobbly table doesn't help either :P) and Trent's Aunt, Sandra, had fake nails on, well someone called SPOONS! and everything went from flipping cards to flying across the table for a spoon, Trent seen something go across the screen of the camera and yelled "There goes a spoon.......!" And Sandra just said after he yelled that, Awh Man! I lost a nail! Trent looked down on the ground and seen her nail. It was the funniest thing because we got it on video! :)

He was one amazing boy and I truly miss his smile, his laugh, his goofy-ness, his personality, and just being able to see him around. He was like a little brother to me! Trent, you are a lucky boy to able to be up in Heaven with our creator, our savior, and our all and all!! We aren't as lucky to still be here, but we all who miss you keep going on! We keep going but you always close to our hearts and mind!!  Someday we will hopefully be with you and with our savior!

We love you and miss you! Your memory stays with us!!

Come to Jesus!
Sing to Jesus!
Fall on Jesus!
Cry to Jesus!
Dance for Jesus!
Fly to Jesus!
.....And Live! <3

Plain Ole Me

This is just a post to show you, I am still alive. :) There hasn't been much new with me. I have been getting tested for Diabetes. The doctors seem to have no clue what is going on. They keep switching back and forth from Type 1 to Type 2 diabetes. I am not sure what I have but I may have nothing. I wasn't having a hard time dealing with having something that never went away. I knew it could be worse such as Terminal Cancer or something. I am use to be sick, I have a very poor immune system. I had strep throat 3 times in a certain amount of months. I seem to have the flu once a month or every other month.  I was just getting to the point that I have a bad immune system that drives me crazy but now I am "sick" with this, and it will NEVER go away. I wasn't sure how to handle it. I have moved back and forth from my Aunts to my Grandmas so many times in the last few months I wouldn't be able to count. This is my update. 

Now here are just some random pictures of me. Enjoy. :)

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7 NIV

"The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 KJV

Selfish or Not?

Bloggers who read my blog. I am sorry I have not written in a while. I have been trying to stop disappearing and coming back, making it a routine.

This post may be depressing but its my view on Suicide. I have wanted to commit suicide plenty of times. Sometimes its easy to think you could do it and sometimes you want to but just can't bring yourself to hurt everyone around you. Is it selfish? I would say it isn't, maybe because I have gone through it or because I have had people around me commit suicide. It is selfish of people to be mad about it. No one knows what people like this have in their head. Doing this, their worries are over. If their whole family is damaged, or if friends are feeling betrayed then it stands to reason: Where were you when this persons started to think about suicide and started planning the steps to do it? If they can push through to murder themselves, then they have much courage.

Others may say its selfish because they are a family member or friend of someone dear to them who killed themselves. They are feeling the loss of them. They ponder why could this person hurt me like this? How could they leave? They could of worked it out. Life is never that hard. They just don't understand what they were feeling. Its hard for people to understand what people go through. If you, yourself have never gone through it before. People don't know what to say or do. They think its an easy thing to get over but it isn't. Its an emotional roller coaster that never stops. You can eventually get off but you just don't have the energy because your emotions are up and down it just drains you.

You could say the person is a coward, but would you even consider stabbing a fine small needle into your finger? That itself is painful. Someone people commit suicide by cutting there wrists and bleed to death. Does that sound like a coward? That sounds like someone who is desperate, in pain, no hope/faith etc. Someone who can watch themselves bleed to death has courage, they have guts to do that. People who hang themselves are breaking their own neck, that doesn't scare them because they are already miserable with life. Someone who is not depressed feels happy or content. Think about breaking your neck? That just sounds scary. There is always the what ifs. What if it doesn't work? Well you strangle to death. What if it hurts? If you wanted to kill yourself, you wouldn't worry about the pain, you already in tons of emotional pain.

There ALWAYS is a different way though. You can get help, ask anyone you trust. Ask them to help you work through these things or ask for professional help.

"Suicide is a Permanent solution, to a Temporary problem!"

For the love of... Drugs?! My 1st Surgery

Hey there bloggers! Its been a while since I have been. This is my most recent life moment...My first surgery!


Well today January 18th 2012 I had my VERY first surgery! I had a tonsillectomy. It was probably the best experience I have had in a while!!

I woke up at 5:15 to find my dad sitting next to me asking me if I would be mad if he didn't go with because he had told me the 2 days before he would go with me. To find out his throat is so swollen that the uvula that hangs in the back of your throat was so swollen, along with his throat, the uvula would sit on his tongue when he would talk so he would have to gag on it. I felt bad for the guy, i really did! 

Picture just in case you don't know where the uvula ;)

(Shows my tonsils as well)

Around 545, we drove to the hospital where I was having surgery and we got there around 630. I was greeted by some of the nurses I was having while I was there. They made me change into my hospital robe, or as the guys there call it, their dress. One of my nurses puts to warm clothes around my hands to keep them moist, so when they put in my IV its easier. I talked to a few doctors and they were explaining on how it all works. The doctor said that it would take up to a half hour surgery and I shouldn't worry because I would be out like a light. Another nurse came in and said that it was time for me to get my IV in. She was still in college going for her bachelors and that worried me because I wasn't sure if she has had a lot of experience with that. I was right because she told me that its going to hurt but not to bad, she got it in and it wasn't to bad till my blood vessel popped. She kept pushing it though just in case and that hurt super bad! I usually don't cry about any of that but I was so tense and in tears I couldn't cry but as soon as she took the IV out of my hand I started to shake because I was dizzy and started to cry.  That nurse apologized and I told it was okay with a smile on my face because I could tell she was feeling horrible. She went and got this other doctor for me. He walks in and is like well I am going to show you a trick of getting your IV in. He put the blood pressure cuff on my arm and pumped it up till it was tight. He left it there for about a minute. My arm was all pale, as soon as he let it loose the blood all rushed into my arm again. he pumped it up again quick not as tight as last time but some what tight. He got some Novocaine and said ok this is going to be a little pinch but you will be ok and it won't hurt as bad when I put your IV in to. I said ok and looked away and felt the 2 pinches and everything was over. I was about half way out of my fluids and I had to pee. I got up and went and sat back down, then a nurse walks in and said I need you to pee in a cup for me. I was like seriously. I just went!!!! One of my Doctors walked in and this was out conversation over like 15-20 mins. (More to it just shortened it up)

Doctor you almost out of your first bag of fluids.I am going to hook this second one for you
now. Do you have to pee yet?
Me: Ok. No I don't have to go yet. I don't get why I have to pee in a cup!
Doctor: Its a mandatory thing for all girls around 13 and up. Girls who have started there period.
Me: I can assure you Doctor I am NOT pregnant. and I still don't have to go!
Doctor: Just think of waterfalls, streams, and rushing water.
Me: That isn't working. *5 mins later*
Doctor: The doctor will be here shortly! Do you have to go now?

Me: Again Doctor, I assure you I am not pregnant, unless I am the 2nd Virgin Mary!
Doctor: Well listen here, there is a 1 outta 1000 chance. You never know you could be the 1 chance!
Me & Doctor: *Laughing*
Me: Fine! Ill pee in a cup, I don't need it.
Doctor: Good Riddance! Because I do!



This Doctor/nurse was amazing! Everyone there was so helpful. Well after I peed in the cup I gave them the cup. I sat down and they told me I was going into surgery in a few mins. I broke down crying, the tears wouldn't stop, it was because I was scared! I walked back to the operating room with my back sticking out of my gown and the tears falling. I heard a lot of 'awes' 'its ok' 'see you soon! You'll do great' responses to my crying. The nurse untied my gown. I don't know why they untied me but they did. I stepped up on a stool laid down on the operating room. I was wiping away tears with one hand and the other was being tucked under blankets. I was being covered with warm blankets to keep me warm while they worked on me. I heard the nurse say, you are all set, now you will need to talk to the doctor. I wiped my eyes one more time and that's the last thing I remember before surgery. (Knowing after i woke up it was the coolest experiences ever!) I vaguely remember waking up and telling the nurses how bad my pain was and how I was feeling, then they took my vitals (temp, blood pressure, and oxygen etc.) and I was in and out that I remember.I asked the nurses if I has said much she no not much besides that I kept asking for Ashlee and wanting her but I was so out of it, I didn't realize she wasn't there or even in the same state! The nurse asked me who is that? I couldn't say the word mother because I would zone out and in every few secs so I just ended up saying mudda. Finally the nurse understood and I told her how she was my "Mother" after I was awake. She thought it was sweet I was asking for someone who I was close to!

Just waking up after getting back in my room again
the white back is my ice for my throat to help with swelling
it it started to swell, which it did not!

I remember parts of laying in a bed rolling into my other room where I started out at in the beginning. They rolled me in there then they said It was time for me to get up and get into the bed that was in the room I was staying in. I remember standing up and seeing the floor dizzy then waking up 10 mins in the bed. A nurse asked me if i was cold, and I answered yes I am cold from the operating room and from the IV. she got this heated blanket that kept running that kept me really warm. I zoned in and out for about a half hour and not knowing where I was for sure. It really felt like a weird dream because of the drugs. Finally was awake around 10:30. from 1030 to about 11 is a real blur but i do sorta remember everything that went on. 1130 to Noon, I was talking with my grandma and the nurses about how I was feeling. I was eating ice chips perfectly, no pain or bleeding. They said that my surgery was a perfectly completed surgery because usually its hurts to talk, can't swallow easy, a little bleeding, and/or swelling. I had NONE of those symptoms. They said I must have a good fighting body! After they decided I could be discharged in about 15 mins at 12:15. A nurse gave me some medicine, I took that, got dressed, told the nurses goodbye and off I went!

Here are some pictures:

My Fluids

My IV

Oh hello? I am awake but not aware
of whats going on here!

Just waking up

Don't I look wondering? 

all Drugged up after my surgery

OH HEY! I know whats going on here now!! HII!

Well there are pictures of being IN the hospital and all drugged up. Here are the some pictures of my throat that I had taken for day 1. I will upload pictures for each day and if you are reading my blog, you will be with me through my healing process!!!

I spy a crater! OUCHIE!

There are my nasty burned holes in my throat!

Thanks for reading! God bless!

Lord,


Please help me heal right and have everything to go smoothly! I trust in you always! 


Amen.

What was the Joy?

"Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Hebrews 12:2  (KJV)

This verse says there was JOY in Jesus crucifixion. I wouldn't enjoy having nails in my hands but there says there was joy. So What was the joy in that? Was it the crown with all the thorns? Was it so God could get your quiet time? Was it that God wanted you to get you to pray to him?  God isn't like if I get them to read there bible for an hour then I will have Jesus die for them! No, its none of those things. He wants you, he wants your heart, and he wants a relationship with you. He saw all of this, all our sin, and he knew he wanted that person...

God is amazing! I am glad to know he wanted me! 

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