When Life Hurts

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope"

Jeremiah 29:11

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

I have been waiting to find words for this kind of post. I am not even sure I will have the right ones now. I promised myself that this blog would have parts of my life in it. Today is that day that bring in the awful part of my life; Abuse. It always was a hard subject for me to talk about and it still is but it's easier now because I am trusting in God and that in the end the abuse I have endured, God will use it for good. This is a time where I needed to seek God. I have held in all these emotions but it's time for me to find hope and healing in the pain I have carried for so long.

We all have some kind of emotional pain that we don't know how to deal with but I am hoping that telling my story and where I am now, will give hope to those who read this. Growing up my mom was never around and my dad had to work 2 jobs so I lived with my dad's parents. My grandparents raised me since I have been 8 months old. My dad isn't the greatest of all people, he likes things his way and that's how it is. If he doesn't like something, you know it. He has always been verbally abusive, not just to me but to others too. I am not quite sure if he realize how bad he can get. A recent incident, for example, he told me that I was worthless and when I had the chance to kill myself, I should have. He was really angry and he doesn't know how to control it. I have never lived with my dad and I am thankful that I never have. For awhile I hated him for not being there because he was suppose to protect me. I had a difficult time dealing with that after I was sexual abused in February when I was almost 12. It was very life changing for me, considering I grew up being so protected by my grandparents, I didn't understand what happened. My grandparents are people who think showing emotion is pointless and you shouldn't. So when this happened, I didn't know how to react. I was struggling with God and I hated God for letting it happened and It really pushed me over the edge. I thought what happened was my fault, so I didn't say anything, until just recently. With my father never being around and hearing shame on you a lot, after this attack happened it all turned to shame on me instead of others telling me shame on you. I couldn't handle the thought of what happened to me so I pushed in down as far I could, I thought everything in me died that night. I felt like I fell into a deep dark pit and I never would get out. I shut it out completely, months later I met this wonderful, godly woman from my church. She needed help with VBS and someone asked me if I would help her. I felt so far away from God but I continued to go to church regularly afterwards. I was hesitate in my mind to help her out but I said I would. During this week of VBS, I got to know this woman. Now almost 6 years later, her and I are very close. She has been there for me so much and always pointed me to God. I never wanted anything to with God because I blamed him, plus myself for what happened to me. I tried so many times to push this friend away because I couldn't deal with being loved or thinking that someone really loved and cared about me. I kept telling myself she didn't love me and she would eventually leave like so many other people in my life but she pushed through my walls every time and proved me wrong. To this day, she still proves me wrong, she hasn't left. Through all my troubles, emotions, past, and flaws, she still shows me she loves me. God used this friend (along with many others in my life) in so many ways in my life, I thought it was her but I then I finally seen that it was all God's doing.

It's now 6 years past what happened. Recently I was really struggling with it but I thought I had dealt with it in the right way because I go to counseling and talk to my counselor about it. I was so wrong! I didn't deal with it the right way, yes, counseling has done wonders for me emotionally but nothing spiritually or that deep deep pain I yet to hide and have carried around so long. For those of you that don't know me, I am a person who doesn't let go of things and a person who wants to just fix everything. I know that isn't possible but I still try. So for the first time I let go of my hurt and tears and I let God take it all. I never knew what peace was until I let it go to God. When I let go, I just prayed and prayed to God to help me because I was so sick of doing it on my own but I finally realized that I couldn't do it on my own. This deep pain I had stuffed down for so long was starting seep out and I couldn't hide it anymore.

Thanksgiving was when I really started to breakdown. I had many emotions and thoughts going through my head. I was at a friends house when I first started to break, I left in a very rude way but they forgave me and let me go. Weeks later I found God; finding God in the hardest part of my life was incredible. I thought God had forgotten about me and didn't care. I thought he wasn't working in my life but if I know anything, I do know that God's timing is perfect and it was perfect. He helped me when he knew was best. I could finally stop holding my breath and feel again. I could exhale and let the fake person I was go. I could stop being so isolated. I could let go of the substitutions that was keeping me from God and from healing. Everything I tried to make things better, made it worse or it was a very temporary relief.

God got a hold of my heart and I finally have a slight grip on Him. I don't ever want to let go. He has me wrapped in this peace that I could never get from anywhere else. He has me overflowing with love and forgiveness for people I have had such a bitter heart towards. I have forgiven my father for neglecting me and for verbally abusing me. I forgive the man who sexual abused me. I forgive my family who has treated me awful. I forgive all those kids in school that bullied me. I don't know why I couldn't find God before or see this before, but I know the answer to that, it's much sweeter now than it would have been then. God had me and has me exactly where I am suppose to be. When ever things are positive or negative, God has you exactly where you are suppose to be, so never give up on God. These horrible trials you go through God will use them for good someday.

I can't wait for eternity to start and to just be God face to face. <3

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

James 1:12

"In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them."

Isaiah 63:9a

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect"

Romans 12:2