Hi Ho Hi Ho Off To Work We Go.

We had a huge 100mph straight lines winds in WI on July 1st 2011. It came in so quick! The huge wall cloud. All out trees in our yard were down besides a few of them. My family has came up twice now to help clean up. The other day marks the second time they have came up. We are hoped that it would be a good day and would finish. I didn't help because I was Baby sitting my baby cousin and did some school work.

Wall Cloud.

Damage:

 this is back yard

 Front Yard

That tree that had fallen you can't see almost landed on my room while I was in it.

The funny tree how it looks

 This tree is after its cut. it had fallen, touching the house but not harming anything.

Tree fell on top of gas tank. didn't touch it at all!

Tree fell and split down the middle

Front Yard. Big Maple in the back and the pine tree and the pine tree top laying in front of it

My Poor Poor Trampoline! It went a block away! haha

Tree fell on my Dads Business Sign.

Our Yard looks like this now:

When She Cries

Today I got home from Youth Group. I got in an argument with family. Then I went and laid outside to watch the stars with a sweatshirt and 2 pair of pants since it was freezing outside...I realized I had the sweatshirt my friend gave me on. That says "Tennessee" I just was thinking about her and her family and what she has gone though the last 7 months....It just broke my heart tonight so much. I just prayed and prayed for God to calm me..after I finish praying I just felt even more upset and wanted to cry..Instead of holding my tears back... I started crying. seriously crying. like buckets of water pouring down my cheeks. I was in so much emotional pain, i actually started hurting physically. my chest was aching, and i couldn't breathe and i felt like a had to scream. I felt like i had to get up and start my house on fire, lay in the middle of my house and just cry while it burns. it sounds twisted, i know. but i was seriously hurting so much inside, my heart started to physically ache. I felt like i was dying. It Hurt me so much i felt like, all the hurt I've been carefully bottled up, wanted to burst out - and it did just from the thought of that Family and what they have gone through and how I have looked at my life as hard. the walls I've so carefully built to hide my pain, came crumbling down. I couldn't take the pain anymore I went and laid in my bed and hugged myself, repeatedly saying "its ok. its ok. its ok" and crying until my throat hut, my eyes hurt, and i couldn't cry anymore. I have finally gotten out of bed and I had to write about this...  I don't know what to do anymore. there must be a better way of dealing with my pain. Someone might think I'm feeling suicidal, but I've felt enough pain, i wouldn't want to make anyone else feel like that....but there seriously has to be a way of making myself feel better. 


I've Discovered that GOD is the only way! 

Address In The Stars

"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept things we don't want to know but have to learn and people we can't life without but have to let go"

Address in the Stars by Caitlin and Will

Lyrics:

I stumbled across your old picture today
I could barely breath
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.


Chorus:
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.


Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark
I'm screaming at the sky
Oh cause it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me
Oh all I need is time
Then the mornin' rolls in
And it hits me again
And that aint nothin' but a lie.

Chorus:
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.


Without you here with me,
I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
Oh it breaks my heart,
Oh it breaks my heart,
But all I can do
Is write these letters to you,
But there's no address in the stars. 

Tribute to 9/11

This made me cry so hard. :(

Remember 9/11

Depression

April 25th 2010. I tried to commit suicide. At the time I had been depressed for 3 years and had wanted to do it many many times before that day. That day I told a friend that it was in my mind and what should I do? I just kept telling her I really want to do this but I just don't want to hurt anyone, obviously I didn't have the guts to do it and I never had the chance to. I had talked to her about what to do and she just kept telling me don't do it. It wasn't helping me not to do it, she lives 14-15 hours away so she really couldn't do anything.

I eventually stopped texting her and then my grandma started calling for me. "Casey, Come here! Listen to the Scanner" My heart sank at that point, I knew exactly what had happened. Out of the two people I was talking to, one of them had called the cops. I didn't know who so I asked them both and they were forward with me. One was No. One was Yes. I walked inside and said what with a shaky voice and my grandma said "Listen".

The scanner said "We have a call in for ***** ******** who has said she is going to commit suicide. I need someone to go over there". My heart sank again at that point, I didn't want my grandma to worry so I told her it wasn't true, that it had to be a prank. I went outside and right then I just wanted to run into the woods were no one could find me. I went to take a step to run, and my phone rang. I looked down and it said Private Number. It rang about 5 times till I just picked up and said "Hello". A lady on the other end asked if I was me  and I responded yes. She asked if I was at a high risk of hurting myself right now, I was honest with her and I told her Yes I am. She asked if I had self-injured myself or not. I responded Honestly but i was hesitant and said Yes. She asked me where and I said my arms. She told me that the Cops would be at my house in about 2 mins so I need to stay talking to her for my safety. By then I knew I couldn't run because if I did, they had my number to call in to it or track it. I knew it would just cause more problems.

She was right, 2-5 mins later, two cop cars pulled into my drive way. We hung up. Then I instantly called my friend and told her to call one of my closest friends and to tell them. Both of the cops wanted to see my phone but I didn't know they wanted to see if before they got there so I had already deleted all the messages because my inbox and outbox were to full. I was very thankful that I had done that before they got there. One cop left. The other asked me questions and see how bad my self-injuries were then afterwards he called ACCESS which is a hotline for suicidal or depressed people. I talked to her for nearly an hour, she didn't get really anything out of me.

About an hour later we went inside and I was talking to the cops about what should happen. They were asking if I should be put somewhere or would I be okay. I told them that I have been depression for 3 years and staying here isn't helping me any. I told the cops that my grandpa had hit me before not with his hand but with objects, phone, remote ect. I love them but they fight all the time and that it just makes me want to kill myself more. The cop just told me that they are old and I need to find a way to get better and if I couldn't he would help me get somewhere that I could stay to get over my depression, self-injury, and my suicidal thoughts. I told him that I would be ok. He said that he better not hear a call saying I need an ambulance to this address because of a suicide. I told him he wouldn't and I would be ok.

Now that a year and a half has passed I still am depressed. I have suicidal thoughts but I don't ever plan to do it. I still self-inflict once in awhile to help me feel something, to feel physical pain instead of always emotional pain. I am on medication now for depression which really isn't helping much anymore, needing to make my 20mg up high to 25mg. I struggle everyday with different problems, it may be losing a friend, bullied, my depression, my family, or even struggling to keep living my life for God.

My self-injuries, I am getting better on not doing that. I still wear sweatshirts to cover the scars. They aren't anything to be ashamed of they are my battle scars to know that I made it through something hard and that I have the strength to get through. I wear a sweatshirt for the sake of the people who love me to not know the pain that I am going through. So they don't ask "what is that".

I am just trusting in God everyday, trying to let all my worries, concerns, and problems go. To let him take it. I know God is in control but its hard to let go of things when your so insecure. I am trying to live my life for God and trust in him. He is helping me everyday. Teaching me new things to.

I Will Get Through. <3

What to do...

Today I talked to Jen. I wanted to tell her so many things.
I had so many things I wanted to say. I just could not tell her feeling like such a burden. Just thinking "If i told her I would be just wasting her time. She could be tending to her kids or talking with a friend about something more 'happy'. There is no point so I am not going to talk to her." 


Am I Honesty 'depressed'? or do I just think I am? Doctors gave me pills?
But there are somedays. Days like today, days like yesterday, and so many before when I feel so down. So sad, I want to sink into the sheets of my bed and never come out.
Some days I can't think of a reason to get out of bed.
How I can tell someone I always feel sad when I have no clue why I am sad?
I have so many things to say and nothing to convey all at the same time.

I am so grateful for this blog.
So many things I can say here and I know no one I really know will ever read this maybe 2 or 3 people I do know. And even if they do, I'm not sure I care anymore.

I just want to be happy. Consistently happy.
I want to be able to tell people how I feel.
Even when I say I am being "honest" I am never being completely real.I don't want to hurt anyone anymore....

How He Loves

Every time I chat with my friend, we always talk about our trials and how God saved, rescued and helped us deal with the things that we're going through or went through. We talk about our realizations that we've had lately. It's really funny how each of us comfort each other with "let's just pray for it", "i'm praying for you", "all things are possible",  "He can do anything" and "God knows best" statements; funny because I just realized that that's just how we end every conversation when something happens. I shared my story and received those reminders just recently; and a while ago, was my turn to say those words to comfort a friend. 


When life gets difficult and we get frazzled, staying close to our Christian friends will help us to get through.

I am thankful that He blessed and surrounded me with people who doesn't only believes in Him but also strongly believes that He is the only way. I think it's important for us to be reminded that nobody and nothing can solve our problems or heal our pain (sure, friends can help you feel better but they can't solve the problem OR heal your pain) without His will for that thing to happen. It's important to keep in mind that our clever plans work because He made it work.

Today, I am reminded about His great love. If I can trust an ordinary person to love me, to not hurt me, to think of only good things for me and to be there for me when I need them, why can't I do that for the One who created me, died for me and sees everything that's going on in my life, my heart, and my mind.  What will happen in my future?

How He Loves By Kim Walker.

Lyrics:

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Cause He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

I want to be a reflection of His love

I know I am not even close to His reflection but I want to keep on saying that, like a mantra, to remind me of how I want to live my life. I am going to start keeping those words in my heart. I am determined from now on to persevere, to live a life that reflects His love. I know I am not doing a good job imitating Him because honestly it is really hard to imitate His compassion, patience, forgiveness, love and faith.

so I pray..

Lord, it has always been my desire to be like You, to show love and to serve Your people in any way that You want me to; guide me, use me and hold me tight whenever I am shaken with trials. Forgive me if at times I can't control myself, my disappointments, my frustrations and anger. Forgive me if I dislike some people; touch my heart and take the negative feelings away. Teach me to love and see people the way You see them.

Lord; may my actions, my thoughts and the words that I speak reflect my love for You.

                                            Amen. <3

One More Day

One More Day By Diamond Rio


Lyrics:


Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

Chorus

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do. With one more day with you

Chorus

Leave me wishing still for one more day
Leave me wishing still for one more day 

How Lucky Am I

Can't go Forwards?
Can't go Backwards?
You don't know
where to look
so you look down...?

....Well You can always look up to God.❤  :) 

I have always wanted a mother and father who would love me for me and accept me for who I am. I have always wished for that. I have lived with my grandparents since the time I was 1 years old. People ask my why i don't look at them as parents. I just say I just don't know. My reason is, is because I know i have LIVING parents. My dad lives near by but I don't see him very much once or month or less, depending on what he needs. Sometimes money, sometimes food, sometimes we get his mail. He doesn't check in but i get blamed for being so distant from him. "He is YOUR father. you have no connection because you don't try to contact him. or go see him." I know is, I am the child and he is the adult. aren't the parents/adults suppose to do love there kids and try to make a bond with them. I guess mine is different.

I admit though, even through all this and not knowing my dad very well or him know what i like or dislike. I still love him! 

I have always wanted to have a mom. Moms are like having a best friend! I think about what I could of had with my mom. how my life would be different if I was with her. How I could have had a happy child hood and  'normal' child hood. I wish that I had what some kids have.

I use to ALWAYS pray to god every night ever since i was 4 or 5 that he would bring my mother back..I stopped praying about it after 10 when i knew it wasn't going to happen.....

When I start wishing for what I did have, I think about what i DO have. I realize that I have grandparents who love me and a dad that does but doesn't know how to show it. Then I start thinking about if I was with my mom I wouldn't of met the people that I have in my life now. I DO have 'parents' who love me! I have MANY "moms" and 'dads'. 

The families that I have here in my life now who are like my second family!

I have 3 families I can think of right of the top of me head. They do SO much for me and care SO much for me. They lead me to what is good and to where I should be. 

My wishing of having my mom come back and my dad loving me and seeing me. I don't wish that anymore. I HAVE it all here right in front of me. 

Each of these families have there own families but are such loving people count me in theirs.

Each of these families teach me something new...

First one: This family teaches me about Trust, trusting in God through ALL things. This family just lost a son. This family has had so much heart ache but still through it all. Teaches me more and more about trusting in God and living for him. God took that boy for a reason! He took that boy to heaven to live with him. This family taught me to Glorify God through Sadness, Happiness, Confusion, Depression, ect. because God is GOOD no matter what the circumstance.

Second Family: This family teaches me Love. This family has 4 kids. 4 adorable, loving, sweet, kind kids. 2 adults who love each other each and give support everyday. They haven't lost a son or lost anyone recently. I have gone through many many trials in the last 4 years. This family came into my life 3 years ago, the mother reached out to me and pulled me in and was and still is there for me when EVER i need it. She gives me advice through her own experiences and through the bible. She shows me love EACH and everyday. The family treats me like a daughter or sibling.

Third Family: This family teaches me about God and Kindness. This family is my Youth Pastor and his wife. My youth pastor teaches me EVERY wednesday about God. every week I learn something new. something I wouldn't of known if I didn't go to youth group. His Wife shows me Kindness everyday with an encouraging text message (Not everyday) I see her twice a week and everytime i do, I get a hug and a smile! I know I can always count on her for kind words, and truth. These two call me daughter and treat me like one, love me like one, care about me like one.

Bless these 3 families for what they teach me and for what they do for me.

If I didn't have there 3 families I don't know where I would be today. They are all such a BIG part of my life in my everyday life. God put them in my life for reasons, and I see part of the reason already! :D

HOW LUCKY AM I TO HAVE THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN MY LIFE...

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--Click On to Go to Verse--

I was reading my bibles tonight.

Ephesians 5:20 

Psalm 105:1

1 Thessalonians 5:21

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Proverbs 14:25