Depression

April 25th 2010. I tried to commit suicide. At the time I had been depressed for 3 years and had wanted to do it many many times before that day. That day I told a friend that it was in my mind and what should I do? I just kept telling her I really want to do this but I just don't want to hurt anyone, obviously I didn't have the guts to do it and I never had the chance to. I had talked to her about what to do and she just kept telling me don't do it. It wasn't helping me not to do it, she lives 14-15 hours away so she really couldn't do anything.

I eventually stopped texting her and then my grandma started calling for me. "Casey, Come here! Listen to the Scanner" My heart sank at that point, I knew exactly what had happened. Out of the two people I was talking to, one of them had called the cops. I didn't know who so I asked them both and they were forward with me. One was No. One was Yes. I walked inside and said what with a shaky voice and my grandma said "Listen".

The scanner said "We have a call in for ***** ******** who has said she is going to commit suicide. I need someone to go over there". My heart sank again at that point, I didn't want my grandma to worry so I told her it wasn't true, that it had to be a prank. I went outside and right then I just wanted to run into the woods were no one could find me. I went to take a step to run, and my phone rang. I looked down and it said Private Number. It rang about 5 times till I just picked up and said "Hello". A lady on the other end asked if I was me  and I responded yes. She asked if I was at a high risk of hurting myself right now, I was honest with her and I told her Yes I am. She asked if I had self-injured myself or not. I responded Honestly but i was hesitant and said Yes. She asked me where and I said my arms. She told me that the Cops would be at my house in about 2 mins so I need to stay talking to her for my safety. By then I knew I couldn't run because if I did, they had my number to call in to it or track it. I knew it would just cause more problems.

She was right, 2-5 mins later, two cop cars pulled into my drive way. We hung up. Then I instantly called my friend and told her to call one of my closest friends and to tell them. Both of the cops wanted to see my phone but I didn't know they wanted to see if before they got there so I had already deleted all the messages because my inbox and outbox were to full. I was very thankful that I had done that before they got there. One cop left. The other asked me questions and see how bad my self-injuries were then afterwards he called ACCESS which is a hotline for suicidal or depressed people. I talked to her for nearly an hour, she didn't get really anything out of me.

About an hour later we went inside and I was talking to the cops about what should happen. They were asking if I should be put somewhere or would I be okay. I told them that I have been depression for 3 years and staying here isn't helping me any. I told the cops that my grandpa had hit me before not with his hand but with objects, phone, remote ect. I love them but they fight all the time and that it just makes me want to kill myself more. The cop just told me that they are old and I need to find a way to get better and if I couldn't he would help me get somewhere that I could stay to get over my depression, self-injury, and my suicidal thoughts. I told him that I would be ok. He said that he better not hear a call saying I need an ambulance to this address because of a suicide. I told him he wouldn't and I would be ok.

Now that a year and a half has passed I still am depressed. I have suicidal thoughts but I don't ever plan to do it. I still self-inflict once in awhile to help me feel something, to feel physical pain instead of always emotional pain. I am on medication now for depression which really isn't helping much anymore, needing to make my 20mg up high to 25mg. I struggle everyday with different problems, it may be losing a friend, bullied, my depression, my family, or even struggling to keep living my life for God.

My self-injuries, I am getting better on not doing that. I still wear sweatshirts to cover the scars. They aren't anything to be ashamed of they are my battle scars to know that I made it through something hard and that I have the strength to get through. I wear a sweatshirt for the sake of the people who love me to not know the pain that I am going through. So they don't ask "what is that".

I am just trusting in God everyday, trying to let all my worries, concerns, and problems go. To let him take it. I know God is in control but its hard to let go of things when your so insecure. I am trying to live my life for God and trust in him. He is helping me everyday. Teaching me new things to.

I Will Get Through. <3