Heartache and Tears

Last night I went to a movie with my youth pastor, his wife, and two other boys. We all went and seen Courageous. It was one good movie! I cried a lot through out the movie because there is a part where the father is a cop but is not a very good father and he ends up losing his 9 year old daughter in a car accident. At that time he did believe in a God but didn't realize how serious is was. Earlier in the movie the daughter asks him dance with me daddy. He says no. I'm dancing with you in my heart. After she dies he realizes he should of danced with her. He realized He needed God to get through it. He realized he needed to let go of her now. He starts to be a better father to his Son that he still has and a better husband to his wife.

I am telling you this because through out the whole movie I was thinking about my own Dad. If I died, sure he would probably be sad but he wouldn't change his life at all. He would grieve and would go back to his normal life style. I wonder all the time "Will my dad be at my Graduation? Will he walk me down the isle and give me away? Will he ever understand me? Will he ever know me like my friends do?" I question that everyday when I wake up. I haven't talked to my dad in over a month or have I seen him. That movie really hit me and made me so sad because I know I have never had a relationship with him and I only hold on to one memory I have with him. When I danced with him when I was little.

I think about how my dad has never been a really good dad or acted like a very good one but I know he loves me but he doesn't know how to show it. It makes me so sad to know that my Youth Pastor and his wife  act more like my parents then my own Dad and Mom. My youth pastors wife told me that if something had ever happened to my grandparents. She would take me in a heart beat. That made everything 10x worse, because they leave in 4 weeks to move to NH, but at the same time it made me feel so much better to know that I always have someone who cares and always have somewhere to go.

It makes me stop asking those questions that I ask myself everyday about my dad because I know that my youth pastor who calls me daughter and I call him father is that He would walk me down the isle to give me away or come to my graduation. I know he knows me like my friends know me. I know he understands me and accepts me for who I am and wouldn't ask me to change who I am and the same goes for his wife. I know that his Wife knows me better then my own dad does and sadly probably loves me more then my dad does. I am SO blessed to have those two wonderful people in my life.