As I sit here in my PJ's at 10:30am, a blog post started to flow through my mind. I sit here and I can't help but feel overwhelmed. I had a pretty rough night last night, it turned from a very grumpy day to a cry fest night. This morning my eyes burn and my throat is scratchy. I started out crying because I was so grumpy and it was needed. Then I realized again that my grandpa isn't here, which made me cry harder! I miss my grandpa so much lately and there is a question that scares me more than any. Was my grandpa saved? In all honestly I want to say yes but in all honestly I really don't know if he was or not... It scared me so much talking to my friend -whom I'm staying with for the moment - her and I were talking about how she misses her brother she lost almost 3 years ago. She was missing him and how she worries about forgetting her brothers smile or laugh or how he use to tease her. I have that same fear about my grandpa but what is different is that she has hope she will see him again some day. I have this panic in my heart that I won't ever get to see my grandpa again. There is that possibility that my grandpa is not in heaven and if I go to heaven I will never see him again. My friends brother was saved and my friend is saved and I sit here in this confusion, questioning my own salvation. It's an awful thought but when I miss my grandpa so much, it almost seem worth to be in hell with him, if he is there. But then I bring myself back to the place of questioning why would I want to be away from God? I don't... I don't want to be away from God, if I could choose to go to Heaven right now, I would choose it.
So for today, I'm going to put a smile on my face and push through the feeling of a broken heart and go to God and suck it up. If I'm grumpy I can shovel the drive way and i'd rather not be out in the cold so I'm going to rejoice because it is a command.
"Rejoice in The Lord; I will say it again: Rejoice!"
Phillippians 4:4
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