The Stubborn Darkness

"Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock"

Isaiah 26:4

I have struggled with depression for about 5 1/2 years. There is no better way to put this, but it's a pain in the butt! I remember when I would get really depressed, I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to get better but looking away and looking towards hope, it felt so risky. I thought looking away would be risky because what if God didn't come through? Or what if I didn't feel better and I was going to be this way forever. When I was depressed I didn't want to find hope because I was just so focused on putting all the little energy into staying alive. How could I try to add hope to my day or anything else? I couldn't focus on anything but the why questions. Why is this happened to me? Why love? Why work? Why do anything? Why believe? Why live? Why even bother? At one point I was put on some medication that made me so sick so I stopped it which didn't make anyone happy. I never have thought that medication would be the cure for depression. Everyone would always ask "Why are you so sad?" but it wasn't being sad, there is a difference between depression and sad. Depression is different because being sad, other people can be sad about the same reasons, but when you are depressed it's much different because it's more private and it's isolating. Depression, sometimes you have no reason to be that way, too. When someone is feeling depressed it's different for everyone, on how they deal with it because some toward their beds and isolation, others turn to people they trust and be open. Some go to God and some turn away. When depression hits, the worse feeling is when you can tell that the joy and happiness you just had, is just out of reach.

Have you ever felt hopeless or even worthless? Mentally and physically exhausted? I know these feelings way to well. Then you understand what the case of the "blues" are. I have tried to go to friends. They have tried to cheer me up, scold me, or even ignore me. Some of their reaction was something I would have never expected, good and bad. I have come to the conclusions that most friends do much better at physical needs then mental or emotional needs. Because asking how is your back today is more legit question then how is your head doing? This is partly why depressed people pull away from others. I needed God but I was to scared that if I turned to Him and tried finding him, he'd be no where to be found. Depression just doesn't affect your emotions, it effects your body too.. Most people will just forget God and go straight to a world thing, usually medical treatment, because taking a pill is much easier then seeking God. We don't seek God because we just get so wrapped up in worldly things or we get lost when we focus on our own needs and wants. I was a weird kind of person who tried to be noble and make the best of being in this dark pit, wondering why I couldn't get satisfied or why I couldn't be mature enough to be content where I was at. I started thinking that after I heard a message at church about the apostle Paul being content in every circumstance. (Philippians 4:11-12) Later on it occurred to me that maybe being in this pit was one place I wasn't suppose to be content in. We grow so accustomed to the surroundings of our pit that we don't even try to think of moving on without it because it becomes the norm. I am thanking God that I never was content in that pit. I finally quit trying to make the best of it and finally wanted out. I tried to run from it and I thought I did at times because I had just a moment of relief but that pit was always there. No matter where I went, my depression/pit always fit with me.

I recently have had a new out look on depression. I use to think that depression was an enemy that robbed me of my life but I see it now as an opportunity for self examination and spiritual growth. God did end up using my depression for good. After 5 1/2 years of fighting depression, I am finally seeing God is giving me hope and is giving me freedom from it. It's so breathtaking sometimes to see my life changing in so many ways, and having God by my side. It's breathtaking to hear others say "God is working in you!" "God is doing good, good stuff in you!" I was doubting God so much during my depression because I thought God would never use someone like me, I wasn't worth anything to me so why would I be to God? But God pulled me outta this depression but now I see that I am a daughter of the Risen King!

If I wouldn't have gone through this depression, the moments I had since, wouldn't be so sweet. When I get happy over little things, they are much more sweeter then they would be if I didn't go through depression and be in a pit for quite sometime. I have said other times before, God's timing is perfect. He is so good!

"The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble"

Psalms 9:9

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."

John 14:27