Blessing & Curses - Patience & Flipping

I'm not sure where to start with this post. What a surprise! I was sitting pool side and having this moment of wanting to just write. Maybe it's the fact that I was sitting with my friend and her mom and they both are typing or maybe there is something God wants me to write. So, here I am typing and trying to figure out where this is leading.


I am on a trip with my friend and her family. We are staying at a hotel for 3 days. I'm feeling quite blessed that they were willing to bring me with. I'm thankful that I got to get out of my small town for a few days. I can get so wrapped up on my regular schedule that I don't get time to focus on the very little things that I know will end up meaning the most to me. For example, I was sitting at this table with my friend and her mom and none of us were talking but it was "family" time. I'm not family biologically but they are like my family. If you have kept up with my bog, you know that I haven't had the greatest family life. My family is quite broken. Anyway, these little moment like this, spending time together means more to me then a lot of other things. I never had these kind of moments. These moments with a family. Anytime my family got together, something would break out or there would be tension or someone would be downgrading someone. Being with this family, there isn't downgrading, it's you lift up your sibling or don't speak. It's really nice. I miss that when I go home because it's constant downgrading. So, these little moments that I'm getting here, mean more to me then a lot of other things. I just never had these kind of moments. Taking time away from my small town gives me the time to focus on these precious little things and to focus on God. It also is teaching me patience. The family I am with is a family of 6 and we were in a room that is connected to another room so we have the girls and boys split but it definitely is teaching me patience, considering I grew up in a house that was my grandparents and me. I was around my step siblings quite a bit, but I could at least go home when I wanted. I have done really well this trip, only lost it once. Warning; don't mess with me when I am sleeping! Over all I am thanking God for giving me this family and for giving me this opportunity to come with them. I'm blessed beyond measure with this family.


This trip has been really good for me. I am trying not to be fake, because it's better to be honest before God than to be fake in front of others. I am trying to do what is best but then again, I don't know what is best for me because I know nothing. I have never known what is best for me, only God does. I don't want to fight God. This trip has been hard though, too. This family is the family that lost their son 3 years ago. I have felt like a replacement on this trip because I feel like their son should be here, instead of me. I am reminding myself that Gods plan is perfect and me being here is exactly where I am suppose to be. I have come to the conclusion that relying on people is completely idiotic! I'm serious! People are bound to fail you and God won't. I had a very hard night at the hotel missing my cousin and having a hard time with being here in general. I wanted comfort! I didn't want it from any one in the room or anyone here. I want God! I am desperate to fee what I was feeling. That comfort from God. I feel Satan tugging while I'm down. I'm trying to stay up but I feel like I am being dragged into this haze and God is getting so blurry. I know that this God that I serve and strive to glorify will take care of me. He will guide me through this haze and out into the clear again. So, again, I remind myself "Casey. Be patient! God's plan is perfect!"

Crazy Scary Good

Yesterday started out a normal Sunday. Well, besides waking up awfully early and having very little sleep. I stayed with a family from my church over Saturday night with a couple of friends. We got up at 5:00AM to head to this amazing, Christ-centered church that is 2 hours away. Our little army consisted of Blaine, Jean, two Lexi's, and myself. We made it to church a little to early, I think I should have been able to sleep a little more. We were all so excited for the sermon and Sunday school. We learned so much and I couldn't even take it all in. I could barely breathe with all this amazing scripture I was hearing but I just couldn't take it all in. My heart raced with excitement because I knew that things are changing in me. I recently got saved, I thought for years that I was but doubted it most of the time. It's nice to be free of doubt at this moment. All these sermons I heard over the years, I just couldn't understand them but now I can understand so much. What's more exciting then understanding, hearing, and knowing God's word? I have come to know and accept that this God is a loving God and His love is something I can have. I don't have to push or want to push God away, anymore. I can't even tell you how awesome it is to finally see God in this clear vision. I never had this grasp on Him before. For me it was so easy to let go of God when I needed him most. I would bail out before I could get a grasp on God. I was like a toddler, where a toddler is coming to you and you have your arms reached out for them and they turn away right before they get to you. I am thankful I'm finding this amazing God. I know that there will be many trials ahead so I am enjoying this grasp I have and this joy that it's giving to me to see God this way. It just makes my heart jump for joy to know that this God is now mine. If I could explain it any better I would, but this just makes me so happy, I can't find the words!


I am telling you this because on our way home from church, we got into an accident. 3 cars, 7 people, and God took care of each of us. No one was seriously injured, we all walked away with some whip lash and a probably a little traumatized. One driver hit his head on the window but had only a small cut but was okay. All 7 of us had our seat belts on, too, which seemed a little strange to me because so many people don't. God took care of us all, isn't He so good? Jean was driving, the two Lexi's, and myself. We were rear-ended and we then crashed into a car that was coming out of the gas station we were going into. It wasn't a bad accident but it still was terrifying. After the accident I reminded myself that God was taking care of me and being saved came to mind because what if I had died in that accident? I wasn't scared about dying, I knew that if I did die, I would have went to heaven. I am thankful I didn't because I had one of my best friends in the car and I wouldn't want to put her through that because her brother's anniversary was just last Tuesday which marked 3 years. I know that she would trust in God in it all and remind herself that it was God plan but thinking about it I can't bare thinking about that family losing me as well, even though it wouldn't be as hard as losing a biological child, a child you raised.


I am thanking God over and over the last two days. First yesterday for having the chance to hear the pastor preach our sermon and to hear our Sunday school teacher teach, too. Second, for protecting us all in the accident. Third, for keeping Lexi's family and I safe as we took a 6 hour road trip today. I have many other things to be thankful for, all these little things but my heart is just dancing that I have this God to hold me and protect me.


What a crazy scary good (Good as an amazing but more) God we serve!

Counseling - Hope For My Future

I have struggled my whole life with emotions because at a very young age I realized that my world wasn't wrapped and protected by love. My circle of protection had gaps, big gaps in it. Gaps of an angry dad, a mom that abandoned me, and a broken family. I realized at a young age that my mom not being around was wrong and being without my dad most of the time was wrong, too. I want to first add that living with my Grandparents was the best for me, they raised me very well with a great deal of love and tried to protect me how they could. We had our issues of course, but who doesn't? Anyway, I knew how things were, were wrong. I should be with my parents and not with my grandparents. I don't regret how it all turned out at all but there are days I wish my mom was here and I wish I was close with my dad and my dad was "normal." There were many days I would get so angry and I would take it out on my grandparents because I didn't think I was good enough for my parents, if I wasn't good enough for my parents, how could I be good enough for my grandparents? If my parents didn't love me, how could I possibly love myself? How could a God so great love me? I struggled and still do struggle with being loved because of my parents. I am not sure if that is the root of it, but I have thought for many years that it is. My parents were suppose to be there to teach me all the things I ended up learning on my own or being taught by other people. I tried my hardest to push away the feelings of being unloved, but they were always there. I remember one day when I was about 12-13 years old and feeling really down about everything in my life and I hated myself so much and this is overwhelming feeling of hate came over me. I then felt so suicidal. I didn't understand it at first, but then I realized if I feel this way, maybe its meant to be? Maybe I'm supposed to kill myself? I didn't say anything to anyone and just ignored it, this feeling came back so regularly it became a habit of saying "I just want to die." To this day, I don't think I am over that saying, of course I don't wish to kill myself anymore, there are days I know I would rather not go through the things I am going through, but I have a God that I will grasp onto and a God that loves me. I wouldn't choose to kill myself and if any of you that read this are thinking about suicide, trust me, it isn't worth it. Life DOES get better. I hate that saying of "things will get better" I seriously want to rip my hair out, but it's true, things do get better.

I felt like killing myself for months and months until one day, I told a friend, she freaked. For me it was so normal to feel that way, it didn't seem like a big deal. She ended up calling the cops and completely broke my trust with her. I don't blame her for calling because I have been in her situation with friends since then. Two cops came to my house and one of them called a place call ACCESS, a hotline for suicidal people. I talked to her for a good hour and I told her that I was fine, I had felt like this for a long time and I wasn't going to act on it. Luckily they all believe me. The one cop told me he better not be back here in a few days or weeks having to put me in a body bag. I promised him he wouldn't. At that moment, I hated my friend so much for ruining my life or so I thought. The cops had put it over the county scanner before they showed up. I was SO embarrassed because a lot of people had scanners and I had to go to school the next day. I was terrified my reputation had gone down even more. I was already the girl who got pregnant at 13 and aborted my baby myself and buried it in my backyard. (Oh the joys of rumors!) I didn't want to be known as the girl who was suicidal and a coward for not doing it, something that was true. Something I couldn't live down because it was true. The whole baby thing was just a lie and I knew it was, but being the suicide girl was true. I went to school the next day and I received looks from people and I thought they knew, but I let it get the best of me, no one knew. I was safe.

I started a horrible habit in 5th grade, something no one should start. I started to self-harm. I advise you to NEVER start. It's something that is so hard to stop. I won't go into my detail with this because it's something that I am trying so hard to get past and I don't want to go back to it. I still struggle with it to this day, I haven't done it in months, which is great, but it comes to mind when things get tough. One night I was extremely depressed and I knew that if I tried to self-harm, I would most likely end up killing myself so I brought myself into the ER. I talked to the doctors and they did blood work and a pee test, which I don't understand, I was depressed NOT on drugs, they had to check for other things, I guess. That night at 2am, I drove an hour and a half with my grandma and her sister up to a hospital to be admitted. I was so scared yet at the same time I was very relieved. I knew I was going to be safe and I couldn't hurt myself there. I was supposed to be there three days for evaluation and group therapy. There were quite a few kids there and for once in my life, I didn't feel so alone. I felt like someone finally understood. There were kids there that had overdosed and got put there as soon as they recovered, some had self-harmed, others had emotional problems like me. All the group therapy helped me out a lot, I talked out a lot of things. I thought I was going to go home on day three but I ended up being there for six days. I wasn't a fan of the doctor, he was really judgmental and a jerk, to this day I don't know why he is that kind of doctor.

After I got out of the hospital, I had the choice of going to day treatment or go to counseling. I hated both of these options because I had a counselor for a day and I told her I had problems and she told me nothing was wrong with me. I choose counseling because I wasn't going to go to day treatment with a bunch of kids who had anger problems and drug problems. That wasn't my problem, I had emotion problems.

It is now two years later and I still am counseling. I got lucky to get one of the best counselor out there. She is really easy to get along with and we don't butt heads every time we talk. It's been two years but it's finally starting to get easier to talk to her about things. As soon as I am 18 things are going to get a little more serious, because then I can tell her anything without her going and telling her boss and the county. I made that mistake once. I have been terrified to tell her anything so serious since! It wasn't her fault, it's her job, she had to do it. So for now, we talk as it is someone else's life so we can beat around the bush. I probably wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my counselor. Having my counselor as who she is, I can see hope for my future. Emotionally and Mentally she is helping me in many ways. Spiritually I am on my own, that is between me and God.

Now that I am starting to manage my emotions, I can finally manage my spiritual life. Since I can keep my thoughts together and they aren't blowing up everywhere in my brain. I can finally sit down and pray without losing my thought. My prayers would start out easy for me, but after a few words, I would start to stumble on my words and lose everything I was thinking about. My prayers always ended with "God you know my heart. I can't find the words." I am thankful that my life is starting to turn around, at least some. Being able to just comprehend things, I know it's silly but it makes my heart happy. I think now that my relationship with God is growing, I will be able to start letting go of this deep pain that is stuffed so far down. I will finally be able to break down this wall that all my painful memories and emotions are. I will be able to sort through them without losing control. I am looking forward to getting better. To learn how to deal with things in the right way and not stuff everything or throw it behind the wall.

So, my hope is that I will let go and break the wall down so I can move on in counseling. Counseling, it is a hope for my future.

Pouty Lips & Big Blue Eyes

I lost a close friend on the 18th of this month, he had brain cancer so it was only a matter of time. I hadn't prepared myself for it, nor did I want to. It was a hard day with losing him but that day also marked 3 years since I lost another friend. I couldn't wrap my head around both of these losses. I didn't know how to deal. That whole day I got to spend it with my friend, Jen and her 5 kids. The kids didn't know what was going on but I got so many I love you's and hugs through out the day. Them loving on me is normal but it meant more that day then any other. I needed it that day compared to others. I had some pretty good talks with Jen, too. She always knows how to get me to laugh or smile. They kept me sane all day and were pretty good distractions. I didn't have much time to think about it but it was there every time I wasn't distracted by a baby toddling away, girls telling me a story, or one of the kids doing something they weren't suppose too. I went home later that night and I spent most of my time in my room, not breaking down but just in a daze of "is this really happening? Is it a dream?" 

Well, Wednesday came along and things started to set in. I didn't know what I was feeling. My body wouldn't let my emotions out but I wanted my emotions out so I didn't know what to do. I was so confused! Wednesday nights I have SIGN or also known as youth group. At the end of the night I walked out with Jen and her family. Jen was talking to me and asking me how I was doing and I honestly told her I wasn't doing the best. The kids asked what was wrong and what happened? I will tell you that these kids love me enough that they were concerned that I was upset. Jen explained to them that my friend Josh had passed away and went to heaven and I was sad about it. The kids had pouty lips and sad looks on their innocent faces. I got hugs from them but I didn't want to cry in front of them or Jen. I wanted to keep my emotions closed until I was alone.

 So, I went to walk out of the church when I heard Jen say "Wait! Charlotte wants to give you a hug!" so, I stopped and turned around. Charlotte walked out of the door, with this huge pouty lip, with her big blue eyes looking up at me. I picked her up and she wrapped her arms around me, gave me a big huge, and she gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to break down crying as she had her little arms wrapped around my neck, squeezing me. 

Charlotte probably doesn't know the depth of losing someone at the age of 3, almost 4. But she does recognizes emotion. She recognized I was sad and even at her age, she wanted to make me feeling better. I think her hugging me meant more to me then an adult coming up and giving me a hug. I just love that sweet little girl. Her big blue eyes, blonde hair, silly personality, big hugs and her contagious giggle make my life a little more brighter! <3 

An Expression of Love

"Grief is not a disease. It's not an illness. It is, in fact, an expression of love." Dr Joanne Cacciatore

Grief is something that is in my daily life. I lost my grandpa September 2012. Today is one of the days that is really hard for me, today would be my grandpa's birthday. He would have been 87. Losing him, was one of the hardest times in my life because he was one of those people in my life that no matter what, he would never leave and would always take my side! He always stuck up for me and protected me, even when my aunts and uncles would verbally attack me, my grandpas OWN children. He always protected me. He had his flaws, no doubt, but I loved him for who he was. 

I don't know how to even deal with missing my grandpa besides cry. I was hoping and wishing to have some wise words for those who read this but I can't muster up any right now. 

I miss my grandpas smile. I miss his laughing. As much as it grossed me out, I miss his belching. I miss his stories from his past. I miss going to the store with him. I miss our dance offs. I miss movie time. I miss cuddling with him. I miss sitting on his lap. I hate being tickled but I miss him tickling me. I miss working out with him. I miss gardening with him. I miss waking up and playing cards early in the mornings. I miss eating breakfast with just him before Grandma got up. I miss him tucking me in at night. I miss the way he said “I love you”. I miss him saying “You will always be my little flicka” (Flicka means girl). I miss being able to talk to him. I miss him protecting me. I miss the smell of his tobacco (even though I hated it.). I miss seeing him in his flannel shirts, jeans, boots and favorite belt buckle. I miss going on random, unexpected truck rides and going to the store, just to buy me a treat. I miss just sitting in the truck while he pumped gas. I miss spending all my time with him. I miss his wrinkled face that always had the great smile. I miss his bone cheeks. I miss riding in the trailer when we would clean the yard. I miss his strong and loving hugs. I miss stealing food off my dinner plate or even hiding it when I wasn't looking. I miss the little things that you think you would never forget and you sometimes you do. I miss everything about him.

Losing someone, you can't prepare yourself for losing someone. We know that death will happen, loss is inevitable. Grief isn't something you will ever get over fully. Some sorrows never fade. It won't stay the same though, I read somewhere and it said "Grief changes shape but it never ends". So it never really goes away, you just sort of learn to make room for it. 

So tonight, I am letting the tears fall. I am letting God take this pain of grief because He truly is the only one who can help me. So my wise words for this post is, when you are grieving or have any type or problem, go to God. It seems that God uses the hard times because in that moment and the trails never seem to end, you can choose to lean on God's promises and truths. It's your choice to let God in or let Him watch on the side lines. If we didn't have trials we wouldn't be able to get the sweetness out of it, when God helps us. How we respond to trials is how we can show if we are bearing fruit in our life or not. 

I choose to let the tears fall but I also choose to let God work in me. So, as the tears fall and in midst of a hard time, I will rejoice that God is good but that someday, there will be NO more pain and suffering. I am rejoicing because of what Romans 5:3-5 says.<3

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. And hope does not not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." --Romans 5:3-5 

The Stubborn Darkness

"Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock"

Isaiah 26:4

I have struggled with depression for about 5 1/2 years. There is no better way to put this, but it's a pain in the butt! I remember when I would get really depressed, I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to get better but looking away and looking towards hope, it felt so risky. I thought looking away would be risky because what if God didn't come through? Or what if I didn't feel better and I was going to be this way forever. When I was depressed I didn't want to find hope because I was just so focused on putting all the little energy into staying alive. How could I try to add hope to my day or anything else? I couldn't focus on anything but the why questions. Why is this happened to me? Why love? Why work? Why do anything? Why believe? Why live? Why even bother? At one point I was put on some medication that made me so sick so I stopped it which didn't make anyone happy. I never have thought that medication would be the cure for depression. Everyone would always ask "Why are you so sad?" but it wasn't being sad, there is a difference between depression and sad. Depression is different because being sad, other people can be sad about the same reasons, but when you are depressed it's much different because it's more private and it's isolating. Depression, sometimes you have no reason to be that way, too. When someone is feeling depressed it's different for everyone, on how they deal with it because some toward their beds and isolation, others turn to people they trust and be open. Some go to God and some turn away. When depression hits, the worse feeling is when you can tell that the joy and happiness you just had, is just out of reach.

Have you ever felt hopeless or even worthless? Mentally and physically exhausted? I know these feelings way to well. Then you understand what the case of the "blues" are. I have tried to go to friends. They have tried to cheer me up, scold me, or even ignore me. Some of their reaction was something I would have never expected, good and bad. I have come to the conclusions that most friends do much better at physical needs then mental or emotional needs. Because asking how is your back today is more legit question then how is your head doing? This is partly why depressed people pull away from others. I needed God but I was to scared that if I turned to Him and tried finding him, he'd be no where to be found. Depression just doesn't affect your emotions, it effects your body too.. Most people will just forget God and go straight to a world thing, usually medical treatment, because taking a pill is much easier then seeking God. We don't seek God because we just get so wrapped up in worldly things or we get lost when we focus on our own needs and wants. I was a weird kind of person who tried to be noble and make the best of being in this dark pit, wondering why I couldn't get satisfied or why I couldn't be mature enough to be content where I was at. I started thinking that after I heard a message at church about the apostle Paul being content in every circumstance. (Philippians 4:11-12) Later on it occurred to me that maybe being in this pit was one place I wasn't suppose to be content in. We grow so accustomed to the surroundings of our pit that we don't even try to think of moving on without it because it becomes the norm. I am thanking God that I never was content in that pit. I finally quit trying to make the best of it and finally wanted out. I tried to run from it and I thought I did at times because I had just a moment of relief but that pit was always there. No matter where I went, my depression/pit always fit with me.

I recently have had a new out look on depression. I use to think that depression was an enemy that robbed me of my life but I see it now as an opportunity for self examination and spiritual growth. God did end up using my depression for good. After 5 1/2 years of fighting depression, I am finally seeing God is giving me hope and is giving me freedom from it. It's so breathtaking sometimes to see my life changing in so many ways, and having God by my side. It's breathtaking to hear others say "God is working in you!" "God is doing good, good stuff in you!" I was doubting God so much during my depression because I thought God would never use someone like me, I wasn't worth anything to me so why would I be to God? But God pulled me outta this depression but now I see that I am a daughter of the Risen King!

If I wouldn't have gone through this depression, the moments I had since, wouldn't be so sweet. When I get happy over little things, they are much more sweeter then they would be if I didn't go through depression and be in a pit for quite sometime. I have said other times before, God's timing is perfect. He is so good!

"The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble"

Psalms 9:9

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."

John 14:27

Listen to Our Hearts

I have posted quite a few songs on my blog so here is another!

Listen to Our Hearts by Casting Crowns

"How do you explain, How do you describe, a love that goes from east to west and runs as deep as it is wide?"

When Life Hurts

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope"

Jeremiah 29:11

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

I have been waiting to find words for this kind of post. I am not even sure I will have the right ones now. I promised myself that this blog would have parts of my life in it. Today is that day that bring in the awful part of my life; Abuse. It always was a hard subject for me to talk about and it still is but it's easier now because I am trusting in God and that in the end the abuse I have endured, God will use it for good. This is a time where I needed to seek God. I have held in all these emotions but it's time for me to find hope and healing in the pain I have carried for so long.

We all have some kind of emotional pain that we don't know how to deal with but I am hoping that telling my story and where I am now, will give hope to those who read this. Growing up my mom was never around and my dad had to work 2 jobs so I lived with my dad's parents. My grandparents raised me since I have been 8 months old. My dad isn't the greatest of all people, he likes things his way and that's how it is. If he doesn't like something, you know it. He has always been verbally abusive, not just to me but to others too. I am not quite sure if he realize how bad he can get. A recent incident, for example, he told me that I was worthless and when I had the chance to kill myself, I should have. He was really angry and he doesn't know how to control it. I have never lived with my dad and I am thankful that I never have. For awhile I hated him for not being there because he was suppose to protect me. I had a difficult time dealing with that after I was sexual abused in February when I was almost 12. It was very life changing for me, considering I grew up being so protected by my grandparents, I didn't understand what happened. My grandparents are people who think showing emotion is pointless and you shouldn't. So when this happened, I didn't know how to react. I was struggling with God and I hated God for letting it happened and It really pushed me over the edge. I thought what happened was my fault, so I didn't say anything, until just recently. With my father never being around and hearing shame on you a lot, after this attack happened it all turned to shame on me instead of others telling me shame on you. I couldn't handle the thought of what happened to me so I pushed in down as far I could, I thought everything in me died that night. I felt like I fell into a deep dark pit and I never would get out. I shut it out completely, months later I met this wonderful, godly woman from my church. She needed help with VBS and someone asked me if I would help her. I felt so far away from God but I continued to go to church regularly afterwards. I was hesitate in my mind to help her out but I said I would. During this week of VBS, I got to know this woman. Now almost 6 years later, her and I are very close. She has been there for me so much and always pointed me to God. I never wanted anything to with God because I blamed him, plus myself for what happened to me. I tried so many times to push this friend away because I couldn't deal with being loved or thinking that someone really loved and cared about me. I kept telling myself she didn't love me and she would eventually leave like so many other people in my life but she pushed through my walls every time and proved me wrong. To this day, she still proves me wrong, she hasn't left. Through all my troubles, emotions, past, and flaws, she still shows me she loves me. God used this friend (along with many others in my life) in so many ways in my life, I thought it was her but I then I finally seen that it was all God's doing.

It's now 6 years past what happened. Recently I was really struggling with it but I thought I had dealt with it in the right way because I go to counseling and talk to my counselor about it. I was so wrong! I didn't deal with it the right way, yes, counseling has done wonders for me emotionally but nothing spiritually or that deep deep pain I yet to hide and have carried around so long. For those of you that don't know me, I am a person who doesn't let go of things and a person who wants to just fix everything. I know that isn't possible but I still try. So for the first time I let go of my hurt and tears and I let God take it all. I never knew what peace was until I let it go to God. When I let go, I just prayed and prayed to God to help me because I was so sick of doing it on my own but I finally realized that I couldn't do it on my own. This deep pain I had stuffed down for so long was starting seep out and I couldn't hide it anymore.

Thanksgiving was when I really started to breakdown. I had many emotions and thoughts going through my head. I was at a friends house when I first started to break, I left in a very rude way but they forgave me and let me go. Weeks later I found God; finding God in the hardest part of my life was incredible. I thought God had forgotten about me and didn't care. I thought he wasn't working in my life but if I know anything, I do know that God's timing is perfect and it was perfect. He helped me when he knew was best. I could finally stop holding my breath and feel again. I could exhale and let the fake person I was go. I could stop being so isolated. I could let go of the substitutions that was keeping me from God and from healing. Everything I tried to make things better, made it worse or it was a very temporary relief.

God got a hold of my heart and I finally have a slight grip on Him. I don't ever want to let go. He has me wrapped in this peace that I could never get from anywhere else. He has me overflowing with love and forgiveness for people I have had such a bitter heart towards. I have forgiven my father for neglecting me and for verbally abusing me. I forgive the man who sexual abused me. I forgive my family who has treated me awful. I forgive all those kids in school that bullied me. I don't know why I couldn't find God before or see this before, but I know the answer to that, it's much sweeter now than it would have been then. God had me and has me exactly where I am suppose to be. When ever things are positive or negative, God has you exactly where you are suppose to be, so never give up on God. These horrible trials you go through God will use them for good someday.

I can't wait for eternity to start and to just be God face to face. <3

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

James 1:12

"In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them."

Isaiah 63:9a

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect"

Romans 12:2

Pain from Death

I have a million things running through my head right now that I want to blog about but I can't seem to sort things out. My head spins with thoughts but by the time I start writing things down my brain is moved on to another thought. Right now my thought is on death (figures!) At my friends house the past 3 weeks we either talk about Siamese Twins or death. What weird conversations, right? Even when I am home, death is still on my mind.

At my friends the past 3 weeks I am constantly reminded that life is so short because this family lost their 12 year old son almost 3 years ago.

(Read Trent's Story Here: http://ourcrazyfarm.blogspot.com/2011/08/sharing-our-story.html) 

I realized the other day that I have lived almost 6 years more than he did. It's scary to think that life can be that short. Losing someone is never easy and grief can set in out of no where sometimes. No one ever tells us how much death hurts. There can be a physical pain to it, something that is beyond description. Pain is part of our life on a daily basis, physically or emotionally. You can stub your toe or hit your not-so-funny, funny bone or someone can say something bad about you and it hurts your feelings. When you lose someone you feel a different kind of pain, this pain is unique compared to any other type of pain. It's hard to explain, or describe.. For physical pain you can take medication to make the pain better, even when someone says something bad about you, there is always someone else there to say "That's a lie." and they can give you a hug and that can make things so much better. But when you feel pain from losing someone there isn't anything in this world that can make that pain better. The only thing that will help you through this pain is God. I had never thought that God would understand till I was writing this because God's son died, too. It's easy to talk to someone who understands what you are going through, then to talk to someone who has no clue. It's also easier for you to help and understand someone when you understand where they are coming from. Death is something that no one understands, God is the only one who can truly comfort you in those times. I am not saying to push everyone who loves you away when you lose someone and shut the world out because sometimes you just need that physical hug or to hear I still love you. God blessed us with the people in our lives and these people can keep pointing us to God when we need it most. My point is, when you are feeling such pain, keep the people you love close but keep God closer than anything and don't expect the people in your life to fix how you feel because God is the only one who can help you heal when it comes to this type of pain.

 "Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you" 

 1 Peter 5:7