The last week has been a whirlwind of emotions. Causing throwing up and other stomach ache issues. I'm trying very hard to stay above water and to tread lightly. I'm trying to focus on God and choose him. This trial of hardship I'm going through with my sister is unbelievably hard. This woman and I have been best friends for 13 years, we have been extremely close for years, and to be so distant and ignored is super hard. To feel hated and to feel like I should fall off the face of the earth is heart breaking. I'm reminded though that God is control and I need to stop trying to fix it. This is where I need to be. Unfortunately I care so much for her that I can't just be still and trust God. I worry, and I worry that I'm going to lose her. We had a plan to move away and then something seemed to just click, plans changed and I wasn't a big part of it. I went from 15 months in the situation, to feeling all alone again. It went from "I care about you. I love you. I'm here for you." To "we aren't relying on each other anymore. We are doing our own thing. Stay or go. It doesn't matter." I'm utterly confused. I feel like I did something so wrong, but for once in my life I don't believe I did. I'm hurt. I'm physically sick because of stress. All I want is my best friend back. I have 2 weeks left with her and then it's ended. This chapter of living together is ended. It's been a great run, difficult, but I've loved living with her. I've learned so much from her, things I'd never thought. I've always wanted to move away from my hometown and she gave me that chance, so I'm very thankful for that. I've been so focused on losing her lately that I've lost sight on the amazing memories we've had the past 15 months. So today, I'm going to try very hard to choose to think of all the good memories and trust Jesus. I've tried everything and that's all I can do. I'm going to dive into the word and choose Jesus. He will be my resting place. He will be my foundation. God will guide me on my path and give me the peace I need in the midst of a storm.
Dear God,
Please give me the peace I need. To help me love her and be gracious. Teach me to be still and wait. To be patient while I let her come to me. You know my heart and I'm letting it be yours. Lord, I pray for my friend. I don't know her heart like you. I pray that you guide her in the direction that is your will. If there is heartache or worriment or hatred, or any unsettlement, I hope that you give her peace. If it's just hard feelings towards me, lord, help us resolve those issues. You are a great God and I should have never doubted you that you wouldn't work for good in my life. This is a trial that you to shall help me conquer. Your will, will be done and help me and my friend to follow that and follow you. You are a great God. I trust in you.
Amen.
There is another thing at play here and I'm actually thankful for it. My sister found a guy. We fight about guys all the time and we don't talk about it because I can get vibes and get a little judgey. But since this is my blog, this is my thought! She found a guy, who is a Christian with a past. To know that, it changes all things. This man is humble. He knows pain and heartache. He knows his mistakes and doesn't want to repeat. He realizes himself and knows himself. He isn't prideful and he loves Jesus. Of course I wish I could create the perfect man for my sister so she could be forever happy, I have to settle for second best. I only hope that she finds someone who can love her as much as she deserves. Someone who accepts her past and her flaws and her sweet babies.
This is my hope. Hope for the people I love the most. That they get whatever makes them happy. This past 15 months I have help mold and shape my nieces. I have loved my sister after leaving a divorce she didn't receive much love. Even if I've only made a small difference, that's all that matters to me. It's now my time. My time to move on and to go else where.
