Dejection, Depression, Slump, The Blues. You tell me what you call it! I am going to call it hopelessness. I know there are people who know me and read this, but tonight, it's the middle of the night - it's me and this page.
I don't care how much I hide my depression or tell people I am fine. It's ALWAYS there. The past 2 months have been the worst couple months of my life. My depression is in swing full force. I am losing weight, my body is rejecting food, being tired, and have no energy is all I know. My diet consists of sipping on a pop all day to keep my sugar levels up and toast. Sometimes I can sneak better foods into my system. Most times I can't eat a normal meal without gagging it down and end result, throwing it back up. That's a waste of food! I have made a promise to a dear friend that I would eat three meals a day and sleep. The last 2 weeks I have failed miserably at eating three times a day, but I am sleeping. Every so often I get sleepless nights, but make it up the next night by sleeping extra hours.
Depression? What are my thoughts? Well my thoughts right now are kind of in order after talking for two hours on the phone late at night with my sweet sister. She seems to sacrifice so much for me, including giving up some sleep, when she is a mother of two energy filled daughters. We talked for two hours about my depression. I talked, she is kind of clueless on what to do or say right now. She wants so badly to help, because she loves me and doesn't want to see me this way. I told her that I am at the point where wanting to kill myself is my happy thoughts. I am so depressed that wanting to end my life is a happy thought. Yes, go ahead, ask the question I am asking, what the heck is wrong with me? I am pulling my hair out over wondering why I feel so worthless and hopeless. I wake up in the morning and before I can even open my eyes, just realizing I am awake, I want to go right back to sleep. I don't want to live, I don't want to be awake, I don't want to breathe anymore. I don't want to face anything. I can't believe I am where I am right now. I can't believe I told my sister how bad I feel. I am lost and I am starting to be scared of myself. I am so "down in the dumps" that I don't want to live with myself anymore. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. My clothes are starting to fall off of me. Life looks more and more pointless. I planned to move in with my sister and I was so excited, until I was blindsided with depression and self-hate. I am so better off if I was dead. The only hope I have right now is that I hope I die from God taking me home and not by my own hand.
I live with my grandma right now and today was the first time in a very long time she came to my room today and asked me if I was okay. Like I tell everyone and like I told her, "I'm fine." and she actually said "no, no you're not." For once she noticed and it was very heart breaking to me to know that I am so bad that my grandma noticed. She doesn't really believe in the whole depression stuff, but she can see how much I am hating myself.
Depression isn't just being sad. Depression feels like an endless emptiness. You feel hopeless. I don't want to be hopeless anymore. I don't want to feel empty.
Trying to find God in the darkness is hard and seems hopeless, feel like God abandon me. Except that statement isn't true, the bible tells me that. Psalms 139! Verse 7, "Where can I flee your presence?" Verse 12, "even the darkness is not dark to you." I may be in the pits, and may feel like I am in the darkness, but God is there. I have made the choice to turn my face away from God because I feel ashamed of who I am and of my depression. My darkness is dark because I choose to sit in it and let it devour me up. I abandon God. I choose to jump into the deep waters and struggle. I choose not to grab onto the life raft that is in reach.
So what is wrong with me? I don't have God. Solution? I need God.
