Hurry up, January

When I wake up in the morning it's going to be December 1st. From that day I count down the days until I move and that is between 40 and 60 days. 

I don't have much else to say about it besides that those days can't be over soon enough. I'm so sick of fake people here. Goodbye past, hello fresh start. 

Wicked Hearted Sinner

I am diabetic. I am depressed. I have suicidal thoughts. I will tell you that these three things don't mix! Being a diabetic and depressed, you don't eat and your blood sugars are low. Diabetic and suicidal thoughts, it's so easy to not take insulin and eat much sugars as you want until your body has started to have organ failure. Or take to much insulin to kill you. 

You know it's very tempting! I will be honest, I have had hopes that one of those things would happen to me for a long time. Now that I'm showing signs, I'm not wishing it nearly as much. I'm accepting it just fine, though.

I haven't gone to the doctor but I can tell. My body is showing signs. I am only 18 but have nerve pain, the tingling, numbness, and stabbing pain. My eyes have moments where everything turns blurry. Ive lost almost 20lbs without trying much, unusual weight loss is a sign of uncontrolled sugars. Doctors told me to not let this disease run my life, I'm not, I'm letting it end it. Why?

What is wrong with me? I don't know. I let my life and my past keep me from my dreams. I don't let myself shoot for dreams because I've always expected God to take me home before I could ever do anything. I figured I would find just that last ounce of courage to end it all.

I'm emotional. I'm a mess or better term, a hopeless wreck. I can't be fixed by any counselor. No medication in this world could make me better. There are hugs I have received that have stuck me back together just enough to keep going. I don't want to anymore. You can say I'm down right selfish. I will, indeed, hurt some people if I ever did kill myself. So I will sink back down into my black hole of desperation and devastation. I will sit here and if anyone asks. I will turn on the battery powered light and smile, tell them everything is perfect! I'm doing well! And once they go away, turn the light off... I can do this as long as that battery light last. I will hide my face and drown in everything that is attacking me until I can muster up an ounce of courage to kill myself or muster up enough strength to pull myself out of this dark pit. I can find God in this pit, but I'm not afraid to admit that I'm ashamed of what I have become and where I have wondered off to. My heart is so wicked.

"Lord help me," I cry out, but yet I turn my face away from you and look for satisfaction in this world, and this world is turning this heart into something so wicked. I don't understand how I've made this choice, well I do, free will, but I don't understand why I haven't looked away. Maybe because sin likes the darkness and I stay hidden in the darkness.

How have I said "God, you aren't enough!" by all my actions and choices. I get angry with you because things change and for the worse. How can I be angry at God that doesn't change? 

I need to choose to delight in The Lord or delight in worldly things. My heart and brain want to delight in The Lord; but also, it chooses to delight in worldly things.

Everything needs to change. Change for the better, but I don't understand so much. I don't know what I'm doing! 

What am I doing? Where am I going? Why has my heart turned so wicked? Why have I turned away from Christ, where everything matters? Being satisfied here won't last! Build up for the kingdom, where things won't rot or be destroyed. 

I welcome death like it's nothing. I would bring death upon myself. Lord, that needs to change!

Lord help this wicked hearted sinner...