When the Light is Missing

I haven't blog in a while and I haven't been able to find the words. My mind has exploded and the fragments that were once thoughts are everywhere. I know that I have taken 2 steps back and have been waiting for the step forward and waiting for my thoughts to stick back together in order but it hasn't come. It may be that I haven't been attending my youth group and not surrounding myself around other Christians, maybe it's distancing myself from people I am/was close to, who I use to see every week and won't talk to them, maybe it's not being in counseling... It could be multiple things. The darkness crept in without warning and the light started to disappear and then I knew depression was going to hit once again.


I use to feel incredibly guilty if I missed youth group or missed church. I haven't been to church in which feels like forever. I haven't went to youth group in weeks, it's been at least over a month. I have been to church on Sunday, but I feel like I am not connected to anything there, so I choose not to go. I know that I am distant from God once again in my life, but I have kept that a secret, no one notices if you don't see them. I have used the excuse that I have to babysit, it's not a lie, I do babysit Wednesday nights at 5:30. I don't have to, as the mother has another babysitter. I just would rather choose to babysit then to go to youth group. I feel I need a break from it, not a break from God, but a break from there. I can surround myself with His word at home, not the fellowship that youth group brings, but God's word. I just feel like I have lost so much joy with everything that has come up in my life that I can't even force myself to put on a fake smile. Church shouldn't be a place to fake a smile but to go to other believers and ask for prayer. I just haven't been able to do that.

Everyone has points where they feel low and don't have much energy. That is part of having these weak, human bodies. People can feel like it's just a gloomy day and can't feel much joy. Some people don't know why they feel depressed or what they call "the blues" or feel like they lost the joy they once had. It's depressing in general to know you had such happiness at one point and you no longer have it. It's more depressing to know that these things we think make us so happy, will not last. God is what you need to be to have true happiness. I have lost sight of that the past 2 month. Depression is just a phase, and that is why I haven't gone to my church or have gone to people I usually do. I feel like such a burden to even ask for prayer, as depression seems like such a pointless thing to pray for but yet it's something I struggle with and I know that I need prayer. I have prayed to God to help me out of this depression, this darkness, but what I have learned is that He will pull me out of this darkness and into the light once it's His perfect time.

So I will kneel at the foot of the cross, pray, worship, weep, or smile. I will just remember that God will bring me out of this darkness and back into the light once again.