Today started out alright, I stayed at a friends house last night and got up and did the normal things. Got ready for the day and read my bible. I couldn't stay long at my friend because I had a doctors appointment. I didn't expect much out of my doctors appointment. I was wrong. I checked in and sat down next to a very nice old man. He talked to me about how getting old isn't fun and we just chit-chatted for a little. The blood work lady then came and called me back for my blood test and said it would be quick and easy. Of course, she was right, I was in and out. Yay for healthy veins! She told me to go sit back out in the lobby so the nurse could come get me. The nurse came and we did the regular, weight, blood pressure, temp, and then went to that tiny room where you get asked all those questions. I waited for my doctor patiently and I heard some nurses talking outside my door and heard my doctor asked if they had my A1C and blood work back. Then I heard my doctor say "oh my gosh! That isn't good." My doctor then walked in and I asked her if I was dying. She looked at me and said that my results weren't the greatest. She then asked how I was doing and I said I was okay and explained to her all the problems I have been having, she said it was caused all by that my A1C went up to 10.2, they want it down to a 7 at least for me. That my body was starting to quit on me and if we don't fix it as soon as possible, I could die, depending on what starts to shut down first. It was hard to hear that because she said that if it doesn't come down, I could have a thyroid problem along with things that may be failing in my body and I am at risk of things like; Eye, heart, kidney disease, nerve damage, stroke, and lower brain function. For me that is huge, considering that I am only 17. She said that my body has probably started to ignore things like circulation to my hands and feet because they are cold all the time and that my nerve damage may have started because I get these spots that tingle and hurt. If my numbers don't decrease soon, it isn't going to be good.
I am scared because if my numbers and thyroids don't cooperate my body is going to start to shut down. If my numbers don't come down, I am at a higher risk of going into a diabetic coma.
2 weeks and it's back for blood work to see if things have changed and gotten better. Praying that things will be good and not worse and if they are worse praying that I will be able to keep my eyes on this God that works together for good.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Spill
It's 2am and I am wide awake. I feel tired but as soon as I try to go to sleep my body seems to be ready for a marathon. So here I sit writing a blog post with hopes that if I can get things off my mind, I will feel better. I am hoping I won't be so stressed out.
Lately has been hard for me, a lot of things are going on. My family is still going crazy. I hugged my aunt the other day, who recently told me I was worthless. I let all the anger go in my heart and I hugged her and I told her "I really do love you" and she looked at me and said "Do you? because I don't think you have a heart" I was shot down right then and there. My heart shattered crossed the floor. Once again I picked it up and put it back together. I picked my head up and I am still fighting. My aunt has loved me and been my favorite Aunt since I can remember. There is pictures of me when I was 2 or 3 having the biggest smile on my face, bigger then any other picture. She loved me like a mom and treated me like I was her own. 5-6 years back she had an aneurysm, 3 of them while driving. When she got to the hospital, the 4th was about to burst. She lived. Most people die after having just one. Ever since she has needed a lot of help memory wise and she has severe depression problems. I went over to her house so much just to keep her company. Well recently she just snapped and started treating me this way. It's so heart breaking because this Aunt has been so loving to me for so many years. If you know me, I try to stay away from friendships and bonds because they are nothing to people now days. They get broken like nothing.
I miss my mom. It's just that simple. Maybe more so now because I talk to her more or maybe it's because I get to see her about a week after my birthday. She isn't the greatest. I know she has been a horrible mother in the past but she did give birth to me and she didn't choose to abort me. I know she loves me. I want to meet her regardless of her past.
My step mom is having surgery on Monday. She is getting her entire leg cut open, from her groin down the inside of her leg to her ankle. She has a 100% blockage in her leg. I am so scared. I wasn't close to her to much growing up but she did a lot of things with me. But now we are closer then we have ever been and it's nice having her around. She has supported me so much and I am blessed with her. Out of all people she understands with how my dad is. He has been in her life for almost 14-15 years. She knows his anger, when other people don't understand, I know she will. She has been such a blessing to my life. I just recently learned how much she cared about me when I was little.
My sister; my biological sister, is a back stabbing liar. She has always hated me growing up and every one said it gets better when you get older. Well I was hoping so since I was little. Well lately she has been so nice to me and talks to me like she cares. Well I found out she is going back behind me and twisting my words to our family. The family thinks I am saying terrible things about them. She is also going and telling our step mom stuff that I have never even said. I am not sure if I am hurt or mad. It really bugs me how people can be so cruel.
Then there is dealing with my cousins death. I just haven't been able to face this yet.
There are the minor things like school, college, money, and other things.
I think it's time for me to go to counseling. I think I am finally ready to start to spill. I am starting to stuff everything again and I need to spill it instead.
This is my spill post, this is not a what I am going to do post or where I should turn. I am turning to God in this time of hurt.
Lately has been hard for me, a lot of things are going on. My family is still going crazy. I hugged my aunt the other day, who recently told me I was worthless. I let all the anger go in my heart and I hugged her and I told her "I really do love you" and she looked at me and said "Do you? because I don't think you have a heart" I was shot down right then and there. My heart shattered crossed the floor. Once again I picked it up and put it back together. I picked my head up and I am still fighting. My aunt has loved me and been my favorite Aunt since I can remember. There is pictures of me when I was 2 or 3 having the biggest smile on my face, bigger then any other picture. She loved me like a mom and treated me like I was her own. 5-6 years back she had an aneurysm, 3 of them while driving. When she got to the hospital, the 4th was about to burst. She lived. Most people die after having just one. Ever since she has needed a lot of help memory wise and she has severe depression problems. I went over to her house so much just to keep her company. Well recently she just snapped and started treating me this way. It's so heart breaking because this Aunt has been so loving to me for so many years. If you know me, I try to stay away from friendships and bonds because they are nothing to people now days. They get broken like nothing.
I miss my mom. It's just that simple. Maybe more so now because I talk to her more or maybe it's because I get to see her about a week after my birthday. She isn't the greatest. I know she has been a horrible mother in the past but she did give birth to me and she didn't choose to abort me. I know she loves me. I want to meet her regardless of her past.
My step mom is having surgery on Monday. She is getting her entire leg cut open, from her groin down the inside of her leg to her ankle. She has a 100% blockage in her leg. I am so scared. I wasn't close to her to much growing up but she did a lot of things with me. But now we are closer then we have ever been and it's nice having her around. She has supported me so much and I am blessed with her. Out of all people she understands with how my dad is. He has been in her life for almost 14-15 years. She knows his anger, when other people don't understand, I know she will. She has been such a blessing to my life. I just recently learned how much she cared about me when I was little.
My sister; my biological sister, is a back stabbing liar. She has always hated me growing up and every one said it gets better when you get older. Well I was hoping so since I was little. Well lately she has been so nice to me and talks to me like she cares. Well I found out she is going back behind me and twisting my words to our family. The family thinks I am saying terrible things about them. She is also going and telling our step mom stuff that I have never even said. I am not sure if I am hurt or mad. It really bugs me how people can be so cruel.
Then there is dealing with my cousins death. I just haven't been able to face this yet.
There are the minor things like school, college, money, and other things.
I think it's time for me to go to counseling. I think I am finally ready to start to spill. I am starting to stuff everything again and I need to spill it instead.
This is my spill post, this is not a what I am going to do post or where I should turn. I am turning to God in this time of hurt.
Friday, March 14, 2014
3 nights - 4 days
Night #3. 3 very dark and hard nights. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I will never understand why just randomly I will get nights I can't sleep and I am unbelievably emotional. 3 nights so far, I have slept very little and I have been incredible upset or emotional. Today I didn't get much chance to be because I had a friend over but when she fell asleep last night, I could have had a breakdown but I decided it was a bad idea. I get like this every so often where I feel like I am having an anxiety attack, drowning, spinning, and overflowing emotions that I have been stuffed down for so very long. It doesn't help that I don't sleep, no sleep makes me emotional. When I am already emotional and then no sleep which makes me emotional, it's double the time. It's terrible. I wish I could be normal and manage my emotions better or I wish I didn't have any emotions at all. Nights like these as I sit here figuring out what to do with my hands so I can stop shaking momentarily. Typing does the trick, but if I stop to think about my thoughts, they start to shake again. I wish all these emotions that are there, would just come out and relieve some stress. Crying would be nice, too. SOMETHING. Just something to make me feel better. I have prayed and read my bible and nothing changes. So I do it again and still nothing changes. It's God's timing and I am where I am suppose to be. I am trying not to make decisions off of these emotions I am feeling but sometimes it's very hard. I am looking to Christ and leaning on him because he is my solid rock. I know this walk will be hard but it's a walk I am SO taking and a walk that is SO worth it.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Happy Birthday
Today marks my little sister's 9th birthday! Well, she is my friends daughter but all my friends kids are like my siblings. On March 10th, 9 years ago this sweet girl was born. I haven't had the chance to watch her grow since day one but I have been lucky enough to have her in my life for almost 6 years. This girl brings so much joy to my life. She sure is such a sweet, loving, and caring young lady. I have been lucky to watch her grow the last 6 years and turn into this sweet girl and to watch God work in her little heart! I don't know what I would without all her "I love you's" or her "you're the best big sister" and all her [big] attack hugs I get when she see's me. She isn't biologically my sister but I am happy to call/claim her as my little sister. Love this girl so much. Happy 9th Birthday, Clara! <3
Also, Happy 16th Birthday to a Teenage Boy in Heaven. I recall thinking, it's not fair, he doesn't have to deal with this awkward teenager phase. He gets to spend those years with God. What a lucky kid! You get another birthday in heaven. Do you still get birthday's in heaven? Maybe. Maybe not. Here on Earth you would have been 16! I have a feeling you'd be spending your birthday outdoors. :) Happy Birthday, Trent.