There is so many days I wish I could just roll over, cuddle back up under my blanket, and go back to sleep. Emotions can be to much for me to deal with, the tears are to much, or even the thoughts that just keep running through my head can be so overwhelming. There are days when knowing my Grandpa isn't with us makes me get that lump in my throat. He seemed to be a very hard and strict man but no matter how bossy and irritating he could be, I loved him so much.I knew he had a tender loving heart and would show it every so often. I miss his making jokes with him and we would end up laughing. It always ended up with both of us laughing and hugging. Watching him die in that hospital bed was probably something that was harder then most things in my life. I told people I was fine, I told people it was for the best, so he wouldn't be suffering anymore. I put on a show to just be strong for my grandma. She needed me, she needed someone to be strong and someone to be a strong support system. My family broke down, cried, couldn't handle it... I held in my tears, I fought through telling myself I was fine.. There was a point where I knew God was helping me make it through and to give me strength and peace. I really broke down a week or so after my Grandpa died, I was having a hard time coping with him gone. I really missed his laugh, his rooster crowing he use to do, his smile, his stories he told over and over. I miss having him come into my room at night to turn my radio off and cover me up on cold winter nights, I miss hearing his snore that kept me up, I miss playing cards with him in the morning before school, I miss our breakfast times, I miss gardening with him. I miss being a little girl and trying to work out with him as he would do his push ups or sit ups. There is so many things I miss about him. I randomly wake up some nights with anxiety thinking that I am going to forget him or some of the memories I do remember with him... I know it's probably not going to happen unless I lose my memory but just that small heart attack or heart break I feel when I think about forgetting about the man that raised me, molded me and was the only amazing father figure I really had till I got into my teens makes me scared. My grandpa use to embarrass me so badly but now I think about it, I would take him back just to let him embarrass me everyday. I miss my Grandpa like crazy but I just hope that someday I will see him again.