Bitter Heart to an Open Mind

I don't even know where to start. My world is spinning and I can't make it stop. My life just keeps going no matter what I do and I want it to slow down. I started this post a very long time ago and it started out to being a depressing post to where I was feeling so sorry for myself and felt like my life didn't matter. My life does matter, it matters to a lot of people and God is finally opening my eyes to that. My heart is so bitter towards my family, my dad, and to people in my life that really hurt me. I can't trust, I can't move on, I can't open up, I can't truly live my life if I am bitter. The longer my heart is bitter the more my life starts to look bitter the more my heart looks dark. My actions will change and the people in my life will leave or become more concerned. I don't want to be a dark and cold person because that isn't who I am, God gave me this gift to find the best in every person and find the best in every situation. Why should I hate myself? Why should I hate my life? My life, it's a gift from God. Nothing else matters, because I matter, my life matters.

God gave me this life to use it, to love, to live, to make friends, but to worship and glorify Him. God gave us love and friends to help make our short lives here comfortable but don't get to comfortable because 80-90 years is not a long time compared to eternity. I am done feeling sorry for where my life has been because that was yesterday! Yesterday is behind me and it no longer matters because today is today, today is the day God gave me. Tomorrow? Well it isn't guaranteed. Our future isn't guaranteed, the only thing we are guaranteed in our future is death, and that heaven or hell will be apart of it.

I no longer want to live my life in the shadows and fearing if Satan is going to get into my head and rip me apart. The only reason Satan could ever do that is because I let him, I didn't trust God, I didn't trust in our Lord and Savior. I didn't trust in this God who sent his only son to die on the cross for my sins. My life matters. God gave me this life and I am going to use it to glorify Him and live for Him.

I had mentioned that my life has been hard, my heart has been ripped out of my chest and it's been broken and shattered. I always felt sorry for myself because I was different, I had the torture in my life. I found it as a bad thing but it's not, all those things that happened to me are blessings because it made me who I am today. The person that people in my life love. I can let all those things corrupt my mind and change who I am and let it change my future or I can move on, trust God, and not let be my future.

I chose to move on. Trust God. Not let my past become my future.

I don't know how to let go and let God take it all, I may have to work on that but I know that's what I want, what I need. I don't know where to start to let God lead my life but the first place I can start is opening my bible. I am putting on the armor of God and pushing through till the end. God is holding me in the palm of his hands. I will no longer let Satan corrupt me, I will no longer follow after stupid temptation. There will be trials. There will be heartache. There will be tragedies. There will be hate. There will be temptations. BUT God will hold me as long as I trust in Him.

Thank you, God for opening my heart and mind. <3

Blessings

This last week was incredibly busy! Pictures from my amazing week!

My cousin and I on the first thanksgiving I had

My little book worm! Love her to death. 4th grader, reading at high school level!

During all the craziness, I decided to take on taking care of a new kitty which we ended up keeping! Doh!

This is my best friend Lexi and I at OCC. I love her to death! She has been my best friend since I can remember. We just click and I don't even see her often but she and I are so close. 

Operation Christmas Child

Our group that went to OCC

3rd and final thanksgiving. My auntie and my great aunt!

To have a full table of family was SUCH a blessing. 

Senior Year

It's my senior year in high school. It hasn't hit yet that I will be graduating this year and will be going off the college. I can't imagine life outside of my little town. My whole life has been here, but my whole life has only been 17 years, that isn't very long compared to 50 years. God is going to bring me in so many directions in my life and I have to let him control my life. I don't want to leave my small town or leave my grandma and the people I love here. Living here won't last though. I need to follow God's plan for me to move on to what He has planned for me. I need to be ready to jump when He says jump, I need to be ready to move when He says go. He is in control. There are many reasons I'm happy to leave this small town but their are many people here I am going to miss deeply when I have to leave. I must not think about that now, I will enjoy my last year with the people I love here.

Bring on the love, fun, and memories of my last year in high school.

I am praying that God will help me apply for the right colleges...He will put me where I need to be.

Pictures starting my senior year; 2013-2014

Upside Down

Today my grandma and I were talking... For the school year I didn't plan on working so I could just focus everything around my senior year. Well today, that and my world came crashing down. I have struggled with many things but not as bad as this. Today I found out that we are completely flat broke. We have no money to pay our bills or groceries. Thanks to God, he gave my grandma a very sweet friend. She stopped in today not knowing that we are completely broke and gave my grandma two 50$ gift card for our local grocery store. My Grandma and I could only cry to be blessed with God giving us that at perfect timing. My world is turned upside down, I have to worry about going to work then my school, which isn't right for a teen my age. I am going to go around looking for a waitress job at night a couple nights a week just to pick up some extra money. I have to make money somehow to support my grandma who is 85 and myself. Someone has to take on the responsibility of taking care of my grandma. She's taken care of me for 17 years...I guess it's my turn, regardless of how stressful and emotional it'll be.

Falling to my knees asking for God's help.

Gives Me Hope

This lady gives me hope <3 Even when you are dying or just a hard time, you should live your life to be like Jesus and serve him with Joy.

http://www.godvine.com/Mother-Dying-of-Cancer-Gives-a-Godly-Life-Changing-Final-Speech-3703.html

Every Life is Beautiful

Abortion has been on my mind and heart so much lately. It's so heartbreaking to see all these people using abortion as a form of birth control. It makes me angry that God made these beautiful babies and people can just destroy God's beautiful creation. EVERY life is beautiful. People should not have the right to kill these babies. In 2008 there was 1.21 million babies killed. It IS murder. My heart is overwhelmed with grief.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obET5O4pWFM

He is Risen!!

HE IS RISEN!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8QVwC6RWUc -Christ is Risen by Matt Maher
"Oh Death, where is your sting? Oh hell, where is your victory? Oh Church, come stand in the light. Our God is not dead! He's alive, He's alive!!"

Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for dying for me. Thank you for going through excruciating pain for us; to save us! Thank you for your love <3

"He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay" Matthew 28:6

Those Days

There is so many days I wish I could just roll over, cuddle back up under my blanket, and go back to sleep. Emotions can be to much for me to deal with, the tears are to much, or even the thoughts that just keep running through my head can be so overwhelming. There are days when knowing my Grandpa isn't with us makes me get that lump in my throat. He seemed to be a very hard and strict man but no matter how bossy and irritating he could be, I loved him so much.I knew he had a tender loving heart and would show it every so often. I miss his making jokes with him and we would end up laughing. It always ended up with both of us laughing and hugging. Watching him die in that hospital bed was probably something that was harder then most things in my life. I told people I was fine, I told people it was for the best, so he wouldn't be suffering anymore. I put on a show to just be strong for my grandma. She needed me, she needed someone to be strong and someone to be a strong support system. My family broke down, cried, couldn't handle it... I held in my tears, I fought through telling myself I was fine.. There was a point where I knew God was helping me make it through and to give me strength and peace. I really broke down a week or so after my Grandpa died, I was having a hard time coping with him gone. I really missed his laugh, his rooster crowing he use to do, his smile, his stories he told over and over. I miss having him come into my room at night to turn my radio off and cover me up on cold winter nights, I miss hearing his snore that kept me up, I miss playing cards with him in the morning before school, I miss our breakfast times, I miss gardening with him. I miss being a little girl and trying to work out with him as he would do his push ups or sit ups. There is so many things I miss about him. I randomly wake up some nights with anxiety thinking that I am going to forget him or some of the memories I do remember with him... I know it's probably not going to happen unless I lose my memory but just that small heart attack or heart break I feel when I think about forgetting about the man that raised me, molded me and was the only amazing father figure I really had till I got into my teens makes me scared. My grandpa use to embarrass me so badly but now I think about it, I would take him back just to let him embarrass me everyday. I miss my Grandpa like crazy but I just hope that someday I will see him again.