Love of a Friend

Tuesday night you all know I was at the hospital for 3 hours because I couldn't breathe or swallow. Well Wednesday I woke up like always took my medicine and was feeling a hole lot better. Not feeling sick at all. I decided that I was up to going to church that night. I had to go to the doctor again Wednesday for my check up for the month. I got to church afterwards and spent time with my Youth pastor and his wife like every Wednesday. It seemed like a pretty smooth day. I was feeling discouraged and not in the best of moods but I toughed it out.


Around 6 is when people start coming for Youth Group and Awana. I had taken a Vicodin earlier and I was so tired I need some air. I walked outside just stood there for a bit, looked at my messages on my phone and checked some things. Then my friend came and asked me how I was doing. I said I'm super tired after being in the hospital last night. She asks Why!? I told her I couldn't breathe or stopped breathing. She just hugged me and started crying, told me not to do that. I was scared at first because I didn't know what was going on, but I realized afterwards she thought I had tried to kill myself or hurt myself and it went wrong. I hugged her back and told No! no! no! I didn't do it to myself! I promise! She says really? I told her that it was just my Throat and anxiety to more or less. I could just see in her eyes the relief. The look before it was 'fear/worriment that she has almost lost me' somewhat look.

That moment when that happened. I knew at that moment, I has someone that truly cared about me. I always denied her that she cared maybe a little but not a lot. She proved me that night, that she cared a lot more then I thought! I have never had anyone do that before, usually before they start crying they ask why or what happened? She just assumed since I was going through things, well going through a lot, she thought i had tried to hurt myself. I have to say that I love her a lot for caring so much. She has proved to me that I can tell her anything and no matter if its something Ive done or something I didn't do she is still going to love me for me! I couldn't ask for a better friend like her. :) God blessed me many many people in my life but some in my life are more of a blessing then others, like this friend, she is probably a bigger part of my life then some of my family.

I thank God for that night to show me I am loved and to open my heart. He opened my heart to let people in and to trust in him when they are around and when they leave. To know what its liked to be cared about truly and what its like to be loved by a REAL friends and it shows a part of his love for me.

 "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity."

Proverbs 17:17 NIV

"Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?"

Proverbs 20:6 NLT

Hospital Trip

I had a rough night last Tuesday night. I had a sore throat all day it kept getting worse. I went to bed around 11 and kept waking up about every half hour. 2am came around and I woke up again and realized I couldn't swallow, or breathe. I ran to my grandma and started hitting her (Lightly of course) to wake her up. She took me to the hospital right away just to make sure I was going to be ok! (Obviously I am ok!)

We got there around 3am. The doctor when I got there was concerned because I couldn't breathe, there is a type of sore throat babies get that kills them because something blocks the air way and they can't get enough air. I had that and a normal just sore throat. It was my whole throat that was infected.  I told the doctors and nurses about what was going on. At first they took my blood and then they put that thing on your finger to test the oxygen in your blood, mine was still good. They tested my blood it came back that I had a lot of white blood cells in my system which wasn't good. They took a strep test and it came back negative. After all the needle poking and blood taking. They gave me a shot for pain and that made me super drowsy and tired.

After 35-45 mins passed the doctor came in and asked me how I was feeling, I asked him if dead counted. I felt like a total Zombie from that shot making me so tired but my pain went from a 8-9 to a 2! It was amazing. I was feelings great then besides tired and wanting to go to sleep. My doctor said that he was going to send me home with a few meds. Especially Vicodin for pain.

We left around 6am and got home around 7. Spending the night in the hospital for 3 hours is never fun! Trust me! I can't complain about bad service though! It was a very long night!!!

Tonight

It has been awhile since I actually posted a post. I get all these drafts about something and never seem to finish them! I will make sure this one gets posted! I think tonight I got the BEST answer from some one who is pretty 'near and dear' to me!

I talked to my friend who is like a mother to me! I love her like a mother! She is such a wonderful, godly woman! We had youth group tonight but instead we had a youth rally. Which is when we get the youth groups around our area to come to our school or theirs. Tonight we had it at my school. We sang some songs, heard a testimony and hear a message from my youth pastor. After wards I got up and I ran in to my friend. I gave her a HUGE hug like I always do. (she is the one who lost her son 9 months ago) She is for sure one of the most loving and caring person I know!

I started to talk to her about how I haven't been doing so well lately. Feeling very depressed and was trying to  figure out why. Stressed with family issues and home. After a few mins of explaining, she tells me I don't know what to tell you. I told her you don't need to tell me anything! Finally she told me to "Keep Looking Up" <3

After I heard her say that my mind just started spinning! I always am looking down or around me for something. For Help or Advice or Encouragement. I have been talking to God more and more lately and my heart has been with him more. I realized that I need to keep looking up even MORE then i am now! He has COMPLETE control over everything!

Our God is Amazing! :)

Thank you for those words, Terri! <3

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Wish you were here

I dedicate this song to my friend who died about 9 months ago. I miss you bud!!!!

Wish you were here by Mark Harris

Realize

So I have always told myself no one cares about me no one loves me but its all because of feeling so depressed. I mean how could anyone stand being around me. I have realized that I am loved by people for who I am. My Youth Pastor and His Wife for sure. Besides them I have one other person who knows me as well as them and that is Jen. She also goes to my church. She is one of the most caring and loving person I know. She is someone who knows me and really knows who I really am and still accepts me through all my flaws, mistakes, heartaches, issues and everything that is wrong with me and everything that is good with me. She still loves me for who I am. Still Cares about me and never judges me for who I am. I couldn't Thank God enough for putting her in my life. The past 3 year he has worked through her to me. It has been incredible that he has used her to work through me. I have never understood Why her? or even Why me? She could of help one of the other youth or he could have used someone else to work through to me. It has been difficult to answer but I have realized he has his reasons. I don't regret meeting her or telling her anything that I have told her. Why? Because she won't say anything and if I mess up she isn't going to leave like a lot of people in my life. She isn't going to judge me.

Gods work is amazing. He controls all. Like I said I am very blessed to have her in my life and I couldn't thank God enough! To me its like giving me a second chance to live my life for him. 4 years ago I was in such a deep depression and all i wanted to do is kill myself and hurt myself to make everyone stop loving me so I could kill myself and no one would care and eventually just forget all about me like I never existed but then again I felt like I didn't even exist. The last 4 years I have struggled with deep depression and if it wasn't for God putting Jen into my life. I wouldn't be here today. As of today I still struggle with depression but I am living everyday for God and trying to live by his word. Its hard but it is going to be so worth it in the end!

Today I thank God for giving me this "Chance". I thank God for helping me Realize everything that I have in the last year!

Heartache and Tears

Last night I went to a movie with my youth pastor, his wife, and two other boys. We all went and seen Courageous. It was one good movie! I cried a lot through out the movie because there is a part where the father is a cop but is not a very good father and he ends up losing his 9 year old daughter in a car accident. At that time he did believe in a God but didn't realize how serious is was. Earlier in the movie the daughter asks him dance with me daddy. He says no. I'm dancing with you in my heart. After she dies he realizes he should of danced with her. He realized He needed God to get through it. He realized he needed to let go of her now. He starts to be a better father to his Son that he still has and a better husband to his wife.

I am telling you this because through out the whole movie I was thinking about my own Dad. If I died, sure he would probably be sad but he wouldn't change his life at all. He would grieve and would go back to his normal life style. I wonder all the time "Will my dad be at my Graduation? Will he walk me down the isle and give me away? Will he ever understand me? Will he ever know me like my friends do?" I question that everyday when I wake up. I haven't talked to my dad in over a month or have I seen him. That movie really hit me and made me so sad because I know I have never had a relationship with him and I only hold on to one memory I have with him. When I danced with him when I was little.

I think about how my dad has never been a really good dad or acted like a very good one but I know he loves me but he doesn't know how to show it. It makes me so sad to know that my Youth Pastor and his wife  act more like my parents then my own Dad and Mom. My youth pastors wife told me that if something had ever happened to my grandparents. She would take me in a heart beat. That made everything 10x worse, because they leave in 4 weeks to move to NH, but at the same time it made me feel so much better to know that I always have someone who cares and always have somewhere to go.

It makes me stop asking those questions that I ask myself everyday about my dad because I know that my youth pastor who calls me daughter and I call him father is that He would walk me down the isle to give me away or come to my graduation. I know he knows me like my friends know me. I know he understands me and accepts me for who I am and wouldn't ask me to change who I am and the same goes for his wife. I know that his Wife knows me better then my own dad does and sadly probably loves me more then my dad does. I am SO blessed to have those two wonderful people in my life.