Bad Day!

I knew today was going to be a bad day as soon as I was waking up I could just sense it.. I opened my eyes and was not excited to see a spider on my ceiling, {screaming of course}, I jumped out of bed to another surprise. I had stepped in dog pee. I went into the bathroom and was going to wash my foot off to find out, we had to have our water turned off for the day while my uncle was fixing our shower (Once again, I broke out shower nob. This is the second time! (*Sigh*)  I had to wait and wait till the water could be turned back on so I could wash my foot off. I was all ready to get school work done when they called maintenance for the day, couldn't do any homework. Finally after maintenance was done late tonight, I got on my computer and my computer crashed for 2 hours or more. Its up and working now. Earlier on in the day I was watching my baby cousin and puked all over me and as soon as I got cleaned up and changed, he pooped and it went out the back side of his diaper. I had to give him a bath and clean myself off again. He got picked up by my aunt and then my computer crashed. I finally decided I was going to go to the basketball game. I walked in and got a seat. I finally got thirsty and hungry so i stepped down the bleachers and tripped. After i got a pop to drink I was walking and turned right into somebody and spilled pop all over them, as on me. I was a sticky mess. Then have laffy-taffy drool from my friends son all over me, i was a mess.


I am so thankful God got me through the day with very little patience left and very little hope. I am so glad to be able to say this day is over with!!!!

New Beginnings

Well I am starting something new! I am starting to teach myself to play guitar. I played for a half hour tonight, biggest mistake ever! My fingers hurt so bad! Eventually it won't hurt but it hurts to type and its to touch them. I have a 500 word paper to write by midnight tomorrow!! It may take me awhile.

Anyway, this is the third instrument I will be learning to play! I somewhat know how to play piano, I know how to play flute, and am learning how to play guitar! 

Wish me luck on learning! AND Pray that sore finger won't last to long ;) 

Where do I go

This is my song tonight...

Surgery or Should I Say Surgeries...

Well its almost 2012. I was looking forward to having a new year come around. I am NO longer excited. I am sure this is going to be a painful year. I have to get TWO surgeries this coming year. I am scared to have them.

First surgery I have ever had is on my Tonsils. I am getting my first surgery on my tonsils January 18th. I am getting them taking out because I have sore throats about 2 or 3 times a month, so that's over 24-36 sore throats a year. I have only had strep once but it took only once for me to be able to get them taken out! I am glad to get them taken out but at the same time. I have NEVER had a surgery and been put under. I am scared of not waking up! :/

Second Surgery I am getting my wisdom teeth cut out. I will have to be put under for that as well. One of my bottom wisdom teeth are coming in side ways and its hitting my roots on my back tooth so its SO painful. They were going to wait but now they are getting them all out before it starts to push my back tooth out. This is going to be interesting.

One of my worst fears is being put to sleep. I am always scared something bad is going to happen or I won't wake up. I am mostly scared of not waking up. This is the reason why I am scared to get the surgeries but also I don't deal well with pain! :P

Wish me luck and say a prayer everything goes well :)

For A Moment

We live our lives cautiously at times and at other times we live it like today is our last day. But truly are life is a moment. Its a flashes before our eyes. When your my age, 15, you think life is hard and going slow and you've had a lot of pain/heartbreak/bad things happen to you, and it seems like a really long time till 80. Well it may seem that way but it isn't, my Grandma just turned 84. She says life is fast, and can't believe how quick life was, she says that I need to live my life to the fullest, take it slow. She pretty much said the saying of "stop and smell the flowers as you go!"

Life is just a moment. You're here for a minute, and then your gone. No one understands death and why it has to be so painful. Death is a hard things to comprehend, really. you stop breathing. Its scary, not just because of not breathing, but what happens to you when you are gone. Do you really go to Heaven or Hell? I believe so. To the people who out there. what do you believe? Do you believe that life is just something you live and then *Poof*, your gone and you just are dead, like your sleeping. There has to be more! Even when your sleeping, it seems like a moment. Death I would say is like sleeping. You dream when you sleep, when your dead, you aren't dreaming anymore, its better then a dream, you go to heaven if you believe in God, and live your life for him, and glorify him. To accept him as you savior. At times, I am scared of death because what ever happens after is unknown and you will not know until you are Dead.  

If you believe there is heaven after you die, then why is death still scary? Does death scare me because it something unknown? I believe in God and has accepted him as my savior. Death scares me because I am scared of leaving behind the people I love but I also scared of what I'll miss. I shouldn't because when I go to heaven, I will be with the creator of this world, the creator of me and you, of the people who you love. It will be utter bliss, but even knowing this, why do I fear death?

I don't want to fear death because what I don't know comes after but have faith is, will be utter bliss. Heaven! :)

84 years

Happy Birthday, Grandma!!!

Love you, Grandma! <3

My Grandma turned 84 today... :)

On February 10th, my Grandpa will be 84!

On February 28th, My Grandma and Grandpa will be married 64 or 65 years :)

They give me hope that I can have a relationship like they do, besides with a little less bickering ;)

Webcam

I was a very happy girl tonight! Tonight God has helped me let go and I can feel him telling me I got this! I got you! :) I let it go to him tonight and I just feel the weight off my shoulders! I can breathe easier...My faith is in God more then ever tonight! He is in control... "Hes got this!" <3

Being a Teen when being bored... :)

Best Friends

Today I was thinking about a friend of mine, Lexi. She is one of the most sweetest and one of the most caring people that I know!! She has been like my best friend, more like sister for the longest time. She has been my friend, best friend, sister and my twin since I can remember! Every time I see her I get a smile and a hug! She is always checking up on me when I see her!

Today I was just thinking of her and how I miss hanging out with her. How I miss just miss her in general. How I miss the fun times we use to have together. I miss the conversations we use to have when I would stay at her house and we would lay in bed just staring at the ceiling talking back and forth about random things, God, Life, and family.

I miss her :)

Lexi and I a few years back :)

Why Should I Care?

I find today that today has been the hardest day I have had in a long time. I feel not even worthless, I feel worse then that..I don't see a reason to try anymore or for talking or for breathing.... Just want to be done. I am in pain. So bad emotion wise it hurts physically. It drains me...

I realized I have no 'friends'. My Family hates me and my old friends hate me...I didn't know why at first but now... maybe I do because I hate me to....Today is one of those days where I realized that the pain I hold inside and the words I hold inside is just making me feel more pain..I needed to get these words out even if they don't make real sense... 

My own father wants nothing to do with me. My family doesn't either...Why should I want anything to do with me? Why do I need to care if my family doesn't or over half the people I know don't care either? Seriously, why should I? I don't care about myself as I should...I make so many mistakes, and I KNOW God is enough but I feel like he has turned his back on me and I am just sitting in a hole that is about to be covered up and I am going to be suffocated? I'm depressed all the time, which I don't get why... but that seems to be my fault to.. along with my Mom leaving me. My family Hating me. My dad not caring. My Grandparents not really noticing...and Why I am the way I am?? Is it because I made the wrong choice? and I know I can control the choices I make... Why should I keep trying if all i do is pick the wrong choice?

Am I wrong to feel this way? Do i just need to suck it up and face reality?


Theses Answers...I never may get! 

Drift

"I am just another nothing"

Drift by Emily Osment

I am just another number
Stack me up I'll crumble
And drift along

I am just another nothing
Light me up I'll fall in
And then be gone

Lalay lalay lalay
Oh
Lalay lalay lalay
Oh
Lalay lalay lalay
Oh

I am well suited
For erasing
Fading into hazy
I'm sinking strong
Lalay lalay lalay
Oh Lalay lalay lalay
Oh Lalay lalay lalay
Oh

And then it's all
Over and done

Lalay lalay lalay
Oh
Lalay lalay lalay
Oh
Lalay lalay lalay
Oh

Lalay lalay lalay
Oh

Well suited for erasing
Lalay lalay lalay
Oh

Fading into hazy

Lalay lalay lalay
Oh

I'm sinking
Strong 

Breathe Me

This song pretty much explains my day... :(

It was a bad day! A Very Bad day!

Breathe Me By Sia
Help, I have done it again 
I have been here many times before 
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame 

Be my friend 
Hold me, wrap me up 
Unfold me 
I am small 
I'm needy 
Warm me up 
And breathe me 

Ouch I have lost myself again 
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, 
Yeah I think that I might break 
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend 
Hold me, wrap me up 
Unfold me 
I am small 
I'm needy 
Warm me up 
And breathe me 

Be my friend 
Hold me, wrap me up 
Unfold me 
I am small 
I'm needy 
Warm me up 
And breathe me

Love of a Friend

Tuesday night you all know I was at the hospital for 3 hours because I couldn't breathe or swallow. Well Wednesday I woke up like always took my medicine and was feeling a hole lot better. Not feeling sick at all. I decided that I was up to going to church that night. I had to go to the doctor again Wednesday for my check up for the month. I got to church afterwards and spent time with my Youth pastor and his wife like every Wednesday. It seemed like a pretty smooth day. I was feeling discouraged and not in the best of moods but I toughed it out.


Around 6 is when people start coming for Youth Group and Awana. I had taken a Vicodin earlier and I was so tired I need some air. I walked outside just stood there for a bit, looked at my messages on my phone and checked some things. Then my friend came and asked me how I was doing. I said I'm super tired after being in the hospital last night. She asks Why!? I told her I couldn't breathe or stopped breathing. She just hugged me and started crying, told me not to do that. I was scared at first because I didn't know what was going on, but I realized afterwards she thought I had tried to kill myself or hurt myself and it went wrong. I hugged her back and told No! no! no! I didn't do it to myself! I promise! She says really? I told her that it was just my Throat and anxiety to more or less. I could just see in her eyes the relief. The look before it was 'fear/worriment that she has almost lost me' somewhat look.

That moment when that happened. I knew at that moment, I has someone that truly cared about me. I always denied her that she cared maybe a little but not a lot. She proved me that night, that she cared a lot more then I thought! I have never had anyone do that before, usually before they start crying they ask why or what happened? She just assumed since I was going through things, well going through a lot, she thought i had tried to hurt myself. I have to say that I love her a lot for caring so much. She has proved to me that I can tell her anything and no matter if its something Ive done or something I didn't do she is still going to love me for me! I couldn't ask for a better friend like her. :) God blessed me many many people in my life but some in my life are more of a blessing then others, like this friend, she is probably a bigger part of my life then some of my family.

I thank God for that night to show me I am loved and to open my heart. He opened my heart to let people in and to trust in him when they are around and when they leave. To know what its liked to be cared about truly and what its like to be loved by a REAL friends and it shows a part of his love for me.

 "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity."

Proverbs 17:17 NIV

"Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?"

Proverbs 20:6 NLT

Hospital Trip

I had a rough night last Tuesday night. I had a sore throat all day it kept getting worse. I went to bed around 11 and kept waking up about every half hour. 2am came around and I woke up again and realized I couldn't swallow, or breathe. I ran to my grandma and started hitting her (Lightly of course) to wake her up. She took me to the hospital right away just to make sure I was going to be ok! (Obviously I am ok!)

We got there around 3am. The doctor when I got there was concerned because I couldn't breathe, there is a type of sore throat babies get that kills them because something blocks the air way and they can't get enough air. I had that and a normal just sore throat. It was my whole throat that was infected.  I told the doctors and nurses about what was going on. At first they took my blood and then they put that thing on your finger to test the oxygen in your blood, mine was still good. They tested my blood it came back that I had a lot of white blood cells in my system which wasn't good. They took a strep test and it came back negative. After all the needle poking and blood taking. They gave me a shot for pain and that made me super drowsy and tired.

After 35-45 mins passed the doctor came in and asked me how I was feeling, I asked him if dead counted. I felt like a total Zombie from that shot making me so tired but my pain went from a 8-9 to a 2! It was amazing. I was feelings great then besides tired and wanting to go to sleep. My doctor said that he was going to send me home with a few meds. Especially Vicodin for pain.

We left around 6am and got home around 7. Spending the night in the hospital for 3 hours is never fun! Trust me! I can't complain about bad service though! It was a very long night!!!

Tonight

It has been awhile since I actually posted a post. I get all these drafts about something and never seem to finish them! I will make sure this one gets posted! I think tonight I got the BEST answer from some one who is pretty 'near and dear' to me!

I talked to my friend who is like a mother to me! I love her like a mother! She is such a wonderful, godly woman! We had youth group tonight but instead we had a youth rally. Which is when we get the youth groups around our area to come to our school or theirs. Tonight we had it at my school. We sang some songs, heard a testimony and hear a message from my youth pastor. After wards I got up and I ran in to my friend. I gave her a HUGE hug like I always do. (she is the one who lost her son 9 months ago) She is for sure one of the most loving and caring person I know!

I started to talk to her about how I haven't been doing so well lately. Feeling very depressed and was trying to  figure out why. Stressed with family issues and home. After a few mins of explaining, she tells me I don't know what to tell you. I told her you don't need to tell me anything! Finally she told me to "Keep Looking Up" <3

After I heard her say that my mind just started spinning! I always am looking down or around me for something. For Help or Advice or Encouragement. I have been talking to God more and more lately and my heart has been with him more. I realized that I need to keep looking up even MORE then i am now! He has COMPLETE control over everything!

Our God is Amazing! :)

Thank you for those words, Terri! <3

Daily Schedule

CLICK PICTURE TO ENLARGE 

Wish you were here

I dedicate this song to my friend who died about 9 months ago. I miss you bud!!!!

Wish you were here by Mark Harris

Realize

So I have always told myself no one cares about me no one loves me but its all because of feeling so depressed. I mean how could anyone stand being around me. I have realized that I am loved by people for who I am. My Youth Pastor and His Wife for sure. Besides them I have one other person who knows me as well as them and that is Jen. She also goes to my church. She is one of the most caring and loving person I know. She is someone who knows me and really knows who I really am and still accepts me through all my flaws, mistakes, heartaches, issues and everything that is wrong with me and everything that is good with me. She still loves me for who I am. Still Cares about me and never judges me for who I am. I couldn't Thank God enough for putting her in my life. The past 3 year he has worked through her to me. It has been incredible that he has used her to work through me. I have never understood Why her? or even Why me? She could of help one of the other youth or he could have used someone else to work through to me. It has been difficult to answer but I have realized he has his reasons. I don't regret meeting her or telling her anything that I have told her. Why? Because she won't say anything and if I mess up she isn't going to leave like a lot of people in my life. She isn't going to judge me.

Gods work is amazing. He controls all. Like I said I am very blessed to have her in my life and I couldn't thank God enough! To me its like giving me a second chance to live my life for him. 4 years ago I was in such a deep depression and all i wanted to do is kill myself and hurt myself to make everyone stop loving me so I could kill myself and no one would care and eventually just forget all about me like I never existed but then again I felt like I didn't even exist. The last 4 years I have struggled with deep depression and if it wasn't for God putting Jen into my life. I wouldn't be here today. As of today I still struggle with depression but I am living everyday for God and trying to live by his word. Its hard but it is going to be so worth it in the end!

Today I thank God for giving me this "Chance". I thank God for helping me Realize everything that I have in the last year!

Heartache and Tears

Last night I went to a movie with my youth pastor, his wife, and two other boys. We all went and seen Courageous. It was one good movie! I cried a lot through out the movie because there is a part where the father is a cop but is not a very good father and he ends up losing his 9 year old daughter in a car accident. At that time he did believe in a God but didn't realize how serious is was. Earlier in the movie the daughter asks him dance with me daddy. He says no. I'm dancing with you in my heart. After she dies he realizes he should of danced with her. He realized He needed God to get through it. He realized he needed to let go of her now. He starts to be a better father to his Son that he still has and a better husband to his wife.

I am telling you this because through out the whole movie I was thinking about my own Dad. If I died, sure he would probably be sad but he wouldn't change his life at all. He would grieve and would go back to his normal life style. I wonder all the time "Will my dad be at my Graduation? Will he walk me down the isle and give me away? Will he ever understand me? Will he ever know me like my friends do?" I question that everyday when I wake up. I haven't talked to my dad in over a month or have I seen him. That movie really hit me and made me so sad because I know I have never had a relationship with him and I only hold on to one memory I have with him. When I danced with him when I was little.

I think about how my dad has never been a really good dad or acted like a very good one but I know he loves me but he doesn't know how to show it. It makes me so sad to know that my Youth Pastor and his wife  act more like my parents then my own Dad and Mom. My youth pastors wife told me that if something had ever happened to my grandparents. She would take me in a heart beat. That made everything 10x worse, because they leave in 4 weeks to move to NH, but at the same time it made me feel so much better to know that I always have someone who cares and always have somewhere to go.

It makes me stop asking those questions that I ask myself everyday about my dad because I know that my youth pastor who calls me daughter and I call him father is that He would walk me down the isle to give me away or come to my graduation. I know he knows me like my friends know me. I know he understands me and accepts me for who I am and wouldn't ask me to change who I am and the same goes for his wife. I know that his Wife knows me better then my own dad does and sadly probably loves me more then my dad does. I am SO blessed to have those two wonderful people in my life.

Hi Ho Hi Ho Off To Work We Go.

We had a huge 100mph straight lines winds in WI on July 1st 2011. It came in so quick! The huge wall cloud. All out trees in our yard were down besides a few of them. My family has came up twice now to help clean up. The other day marks the second time they have came up. We are hoped that it would be a good day and would finish. I didn't help because I was Baby sitting my baby cousin and did some school work.

Wall Cloud.

Damage:

 this is back yard

 Front Yard

That tree that had fallen you can't see almost landed on my room while I was in it.

The funny tree how it looks

 This tree is after its cut. it had fallen, touching the house but not harming anything.

Tree fell on top of gas tank. didn't touch it at all!

Tree fell and split down the middle

Front Yard. Big Maple in the back and the pine tree and the pine tree top laying in front of it

My Poor Poor Trampoline! It went a block away! haha

Tree fell on my Dads Business Sign.

Our Yard looks like this now:

When She Cries

Today I got home from Youth Group. I got in an argument with family. Then I went and laid outside to watch the stars with a sweatshirt and 2 pair of pants since it was freezing outside...I realized I had the sweatshirt my friend gave me on. That says "Tennessee" I just was thinking about her and her family and what she has gone though the last 7 months....It just broke my heart tonight so much. I just prayed and prayed for God to calm me..after I finish praying I just felt even more upset and wanted to cry..Instead of holding my tears back... I started crying. seriously crying. like buckets of water pouring down my cheeks. I was in so much emotional pain, i actually started hurting physically. my chest was aching, and i couldn't breathe and i felt like a had to scream. I felt like i had to get up and start my house on fire, lay in the middle of my house and just cry while it burns. it sounds twisted, i know. but i was seriously hurting so much inside, my heart started to physically ache. I felt like i was dying. It Hurt me so much i felt like, all the hurt I've been carefully bottled up, wanted to burst out - and it did just from the thought of that Family and what they have gone through and how I have looked at my life as hard. the walls I've so carefully built to hide my pain, came crumbling down. I couldn't take the pain anymore I went and laid in my bed and hugged myself, repeatedly saying "its ok. its ok. its ok" and crying until my throat hut, my eyes hurt, and i couldn't cry anymore. I have finally gotten out of bed and I had to write about this...  I don't know what to do anymore. there must be a better way of dealing with my pain. Someone might think I'm feeling suicidal, but I've felt enough pain, i wouldn't want to make anyone else feel like that....but there seriously has to be a way of making myself feel better. 


I've Discovered that GOD is the only way! 

Address In The Stars

"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept things we don't want to know but have to learn and people we can't life without but have to let go"

Address in the Stars by Caitlin and Will

Lyrics:

I stumbled across your old picture today
I could barely breath
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.


Chorus:
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.


Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark
I'm screaming at the sky
Oh cause it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me
Oh all I need is time
Then the mornin' rolls in
And it hits me again
And that aint nothin' but a lie.

Chorus:
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.


Without you here with me,
I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
Oh it breaks my heart,
Oh it breaks my heart,
But all I can do
Is write these letters to you,
But there's no address in the stars. 

Tribute to 9/11

This made me cry so hard. :(

Remember 9/11

Depression

April 25th 2010. I tried to commit suicide. At the time I had been depressed for 3 years and had wanted to do it many many times before that day. That day I told a friend that it was in my mind and what should I do? I just kept telling her I really want to do this but I just don't want to hurt anyone, obviously I didn't have the guts to do it and I never had the chance to. I had talked to her about what to do and she just kept telling me don't do it. It wasn't helping me not to do it, she lives 14-15 hours away so she really couldn't do anything.

I eventually stopped texting her and then my grandma started calling for me. "Casey, Come here! Listen to the Scanner" My heart sank at that point, I knew exactly what had happened. Out of the two people I was talking to, one of them had called the cops. I didn't know who so I asked them both and they were forward with me. One was No. One was Yes. I walked inside and said what with a shaky voice and my grandma said "Listen".

The scanner said "We have a call in for ***** ******** who has said she is going to commit suicide. I need someone to go over there". My heart sank again at that point, I didn't want my grandma to worry so I told her it wasn't true, that it had to be a prank. I went outside and right then I just wanted to run into the woods were no one could find me. I went to take a step to run, and my phone rang. I looked down and it said Private Number. It rang about 5 times till I just picked up and said "Hello". A lady on the other end asked if I was me  and I responded yes. She asked if I was at a high risk of hurting myself right now, I was honest with her and I told her Yes I am. She asked if I had self-injured myself or not. I responded Honestly but i was hesitant and said Yes. She asked me where and I said my arms. She told me that the Cops would be at my house in about 2 mins so I need to stay talking to her for my safety. By then I knew I couldn't run because if I did, they had my number to call in to it or track it. I knew it would just cause more problems.

She was right, 2-5 mins later, two cop cars pulled into my drive way. We hung up. Then I instantly called my friend and told her to call one of my closest friends and to tell them. Both of the cops wanted to see my phone but I didn't know they wanted to see if before they got there so I had already deleted all the messages because my inbox and outbox were to full. I was very thankful that I had done that before they got there. One cop left. The other asked me questions and see how bad my self-injuries were then afterwards he called ACCESS which is a hotline for suicidal or depressed people. I talked to her for nearly an hour, she didn't get really anything out of me.

About an hour later we went inside and I was talking to the cops about what should happen. They were asking if I should be put somewhere or would I be okay. I told them that I have been depression for 3 years and staying here isn't helping me any. I told the cops that my grandpa had hit me before not with his hand but with objects, phone, remote ect. I love them but they fight all the time and that it just makes me want to kill myself more. The cop just told me that they are old and I need to find a way to get better and if I couldn't he would help me get somewhere that I could stay to get over my depression, self-injury, and my suicidal thoughts. I told him that I would be ok. He said that he better not hear a call saying I need an ambulance to this address because of a suicide. I told him he wouldn't and I would be ok.

Now that a year and a half has passed I still am depressed. I have suicidal thoughts but I don't ever plan to do it. I still self-inflict once in awhile to help me feel something, to feel physical pain instead of always emotional pain. I am on medication now for depression which really isn't helping much anymore, needing to make my 20mg up high to 25mg. I struggle everyday with different problems, it may be losing a friend, bullied, my depression, my family, or even struggling to keep living my life for God.

My self-injuries, I am getting better on not doing that. I still wear sweatshirts to cover the scars. They aren't anything to be ashamed of they are my battle scars to know that I made it through something hard and that I have the strength to get through. I wear a sweatshirt for the sake of the people who love me to not know the pain that I am going through. So they don't ask "what is that".

I am just trusting in God everyday, trying to let all my worries, concerns, and problems go. To let him take it. I know God is in control but its hard to let go of things when your so insecure. I am trying to live my life for God and trust in him. He is helping me everyday. Teaching me new things to.

I Will Get Through. <3

What to do...

Today I talked to Jen. I wanted to tell her so many things.
I had so many things I wanted to say. I just could not tell her feeling like such a burden. Just thinking "If i told her I would be just wasting her time. She could be tending to her kids or talking with a friend about something more 'happy'. There is no point so I am not going to talk to her." 


Am I Honesty 'depressed'? or do I just think I am? Doctors gave me pills?
But there are somedays. Days like today, days like yesterday, and so many before when I feel so down. So sad, I want to sink into the sheets of my bed and never come out.
Some days I can't think of a reason to get out of bed.
How I can tell someone I always feel sad when I have no clue why I am sad?
I have so many things to say and nothing to convey all at the same time.

I am so grateful for this blog.
So many things I can say here and I know no one I really know will ever read this maybe 2 or 3 people I do know. And even if they do, I'm not sure I care anymore.

I just want to be happy. Consistently happy.
I want to be able to tell people how I feel.
Even when I say I am being "honest" I am never being completely real.I don't want to hurt anyone anymore....

How He Loves

Every time I chat with my friend, we always talk about our trials and how God saved, rescued and helped us deal with the things that we're going through or went through. We talk about our realizations that we've had lately. It's really funny how each of us comfort each other with "let's just pray for it", "i'm praying for you", "all things are possible",  "He can do anything" and "God knows best" statements; funny because I just realized that that's just how we end every conversation when something happens. I shared my story and received those reminders just recently; and a while ago, was my turn to say those words to comfort a friend. 


When life gets difficult and we get frazzled, staying close to our Christian friends will help us to get through.

I am thankful that He blessed and surrounded me with people who doesn't only believes in Him but also strongly believes that He is the only way. I think it's important for us to be reminded that nobody and nothing can solve our problems or heal our pain (sure, friends can help you feel better but they can't solve the problem OR heal your pain) without His will for that thing to happen. It's important to keep in mind that our clever plans work because He made it work.

Today, I am reminded about His great love. If I can trust an ordinary person to love me, to not hurt me, to think of only good things for me and to be there for me when I need them, why can't I do that for the One who created me, died for me and sees everything that's going on in my life, my heart, and my mind.  What will happen in my future?

How He Loves By Kim Walker.

Lyrics:

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Cause He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

I want to be a reflection of His love

I know I am not even close to His reflection but I want to keep on saying that, like a mantra, to remind me of how I want to live my life. I am going to start keeping those words in my heart. I am determined from now on to persevere, to live a life that reflects His love. I know I am not doing a good job imitating Him because honestly it is really hard to imitate His compassion, patience, forgiveness, love and faith.

so I pray..

Lord, it has always been my desire to be like You, to show love and to serve Your people in any way that You want me to; guide me, use me and hold me tight whenever I am shaken with trials. Forgive me if at times I can't control myself, my disappointments, my frustrations and anger. Forgive me if I dislike some people; touch my heart and take the negative feelings away. Teach me to love and see people the way You see them.

Lord; may my actions, my thoughts and the words that I speak reflect my love for You.

                                            Amen. <3

One More Day

One More Day By Diamond Rio


Lyrics:


Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

Chorus

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do. With one more day with you

Chorus

Leave me wishing still for one more day
Leave me wishing still for one more day 

How Lucky Am I

Can't go Forwards?
Can't go Backwards?
You don't know
where to look
so you look down...?

....Well You can always look up to God.❤  :) 

I have always wanted a mother and father who would love me for me and accept me for who I am. I have always wished for that. I have lived with my grandparents since the time I was 1 years old. People ask my why i don't look at them as parents. I just say I just don't know. My reason is, is because I know i have LIVING parents. My dad lives near by but I don't see him very much once or month or less, depending on what he needs. Sometimes money, sometimes food, sometimes we get his mail. He doesn't check in but i get blamed for being so distant from him. "He is YOUR father. you have no connection because you don't try to contact him. or go see him." I know is, I am the child and he is the adult. aren't the parents/adults suppose to do love there kids and try to make a bond with them. I guess mine is different.

I admit though, even through all this and not knowing my dad very well or him know what i like or dislike. I still love him! 

I have always wanted to have a mom. Moms are like having a best friend! I think about what I could of had with my mom. how my life would be different if I was with her. How I could have had a happy child hood and  'normal' child hood. I wish that I had what some kids have.

I use to ALWAYS pray to god every night ever since i was 4 or 5 that he would bring my mother back..I stopped praying about it after 10 when i knew it wasn't going to happen.....

When I start wishing for what I did have, I think about what i DO have. I realize that I have grandparents who love me and a dad that does but doesn't know how to show it. Then I start thinking about if I was with my mom I wouldn't of met the people that I have in my life now. I DO have 'parents' who love me! I have MANY "moms" and 'dads'. 

The families that I have here in my life now who are like my second family!

I have 3 families I can think of right of the top of me head. They do SO much for me and care SO much for me. They lead me to what is good and to where I should be. 

My wishing of having my mom come back and my dad loving me and seeing me. I don't wish that anymore. I HAVE it all here right in front of me. 

Each of these families have there own families but are such loving people count me in theirs.

Each of these families teach me something new...

First one: This family teaches me about Trust, trusting in God through ALL things. This family just lost a son. This family has had so much heart ache but still through it all. Teaches me more and more about trusting in God and living for him. God took that boy for a reason! He took that boy to heaven to live with him. This family taught me to Glorify God through Sadness, Happiness, Confusion, Depression, ect. because God is GOOD no matter what the circumstance.

Second Family: This family teaches me Love. This family has 4 kids. 4 adorable, loving, sweet, kind kids. 2 adults who love each other each and give support everyday. They haven't lost a son or lost anyone recently. I have gone through many many trials in the last 4 years. This family came into my life 3 years ago, the mother reached out to me and pulled me in and was and still is there for me when EVER i need it. She gives me advice through her own experiences and through the bible. She shows me love EACH and everyday. The family treats me like a daughter or sibling.

Third Family: This family teaches me about God and Kindness. This family is my Youth Pastor and his wife. My youth pastor teaches me EVERY wednesday about God. every week I learn something new. something I wouldn't of known if I didn't go to youth group. His Wife shows me Kindness everyday with an encouraging text message (Not everyday) I see her twice a week and everytime i do, I get a hug and a smile! I know I can always count on her for kind words, and truth. These two call me daughter and treat me like one, love me like one, care about me like one.

Bless these 3 families for what they teach me and for what they do for me.

If I didn't have there 3 families I don't know where I would be today. They are all such a BIG part of my life in my everyday life. God put them in my life for reasons, and I see part of the reason already! :D

HOW LUCKY AM I TO HAVE THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN MY LIFE...

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--Click On to Go to Verse--

I was reading my bibles tonight.

Ephesians 5:20 

Psalm 105:1

1 Thessalonians 5:21

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Proverbs 14:25