Heartache, Heartbreak, Peace and Trust.

My sister. My best friend.

The last week has been a whirlwind of emotions. Causing throwing up and other stomach ache issues. I'm trying very hard to stay above water and to tread lightly. I'm trying to focus on God and choose him. This trial of hardship I'm going through with my sister is unbelievably hard. This woman and I have been best friends for 13 years, we have been extremely close for years, and to be so distant and ignored is super hard. To feel hated and to feel like I should fall off the face of the earth is heart breaking. I'm reminded though that God is control and I need to stop trying to fix it. This is where I need to be. Unfortunately I care so much for her that I can't just be still and trust God. I worry, and I worry that I'm going to lose her. We had a plan to move away and then something seemed to just click, plans changed and I wasn't a big part of it. I went from 15 months in the situation, to feeling all alone again. It went from "I care about you. I love you. I'm here for you." To "we aren't relying on each other anymore. We are doing our own thing. Stay or go. It doesn't matter." I'm utterly confused. I feel like I did something so wrong, but for once in my life I don't believe I did. I'm hurt. I'm physically sick because of stress. All I want is my best friend back. I have 2 weeks left with her and then it's ended. This chapter of living together is ended. It's been a great run, difficult, but I've loved living with her. I've learned so much from her, things I'd never thought. I've always wanted to move away from my hometown and she gave me that chance, so I'm very thankful for that. I've been so focused on losing her lately that I've lost sight on the amazing memories we've had the past 15 months. So today, I'm going to try very hard to choose to think of all the good memories and trust Jesus. I've tried everything and that's all I can do. I'm going to dive into the word and choose Jesus. He will be my resting place. He will be my foundation. God will guide me on my path and give me the peace I need in the midst of a storm. 

Dear God,

Please give me the peace I need. To help me love her and be gracious. Teach me to be still and wait. To be patient while I let her come to me. You know my heart and I'm letting it be yours. Lord, I pray for my friend. I don't know her heart like you. I pray that you guide her in the direction that is your will. If there is heartache or worriment or hatred, or any unsettlement, I hope that you give her peace. If it's just hard feelings towards me, lord, help us resolve those issues. You are a great God and I should have never doubted you that you wouldn't work for good in my life. This is a trial that you to shall help me conquer. Your will, will be done and help me and my friend to follow that and follow you. You are a great God. I trust in you. 

Amen. 

There is another thing at play here and I'm actually thankful for it. My sister found a guy. We fight about guys all the time and we don't talk about it because I can get vibes and get a little judgey. But since this is my blog, this is my thought! She found a guy, who is a Christian with a past. To know that, it changes all things. This man is humble. He knows pain and heartache. He knows his mistakes and doesn't want to repeat. He realizes himself and knows himself. He isn't prideful and he loves Jesus. Of course I wish I could create the perfect man for my sister so she could be forever happy, I have to settle for second best. I only hope that she finds someone who can love her as much as she deserves. Someone who accepts her past and her flaws and her sweet babies. 

This is my hope. Hope for the people I love the most. That they get whatever makes them happy. This past 15 months I have help mold and shape my nieces. I have loved my sister after leaving a divorce she didn't receive much love. Even if I've only made a small difference, that's all that matters to me. It's now my time. My time to move on and to go else where. 

Lost

"I'm the lost and lonely soul 

I'm the troubled wasted youth 

I'm the reason I'm the cause 

I'm the liar not the truth 

I'm the train wreck the disaster

I'm the unforgiving rain 

I'm the before never there after 

I'm the never ending pain"

(Lydia Evangeline aka Wayward Daughter "Lost")

Dejection, Depression, Slump, The Blues

Dejection, Depression, Slump, The Blues. You tell me what you call it! I am going to call it hopelessness. I know there are people who know me and read this, but tonight, it's the middle of the night - it's me and this page.

I don't care how much I hide my depression or tell people I am fine. It's ALWAYS there. The past 2 months have been the worst couple months of my life. My depression is in swing full force. I am losing weight, my body is rejecting food, being tired, and have no energy is all I know. My diet consists of sipping on a pop all day to keep my sugar levels up and toast. Sometimes I can sneak better foods into my system. Most times I can't eat a normal meal without gagging it down and end result, throwing it back up. That's a waste of food! I have made a promise to a dear friend that I would eat three meals a day and sleep. The last 2 weeks I have failed miserably at eating three times a day, but I am sleeping. Every so often I get sleepless nights, but make it up the next night by sleeping extra hours.

Depression? What are my thoughts? Well my thoughts right now are kind of in order after talking for two hours on the phone late at night with my sweet sister. She seems to sacrifice so much for me, including giving up some sleep, when she is a mother of two energy filled daughters. We talked for two hours about my depression. I talked, she is kind of clueless on what to do or say right now. She wants so badly to help, because she loves me and doesn't want to see me this way. I told her that I am at the point where wanting to kill myself is my happy thoughts. I am so depressed that wanting to end my life is a happy thought. Yes, go ahead, ask the question I am asking, what the heck is wrong with me? I am pulling my hair out over wondering why I feel so worthless and hopeless. I wake up in the morning and before I can even open my eyes, just realizing I am awake, I want to go right back to sleep. I don't want to live, I don't want to be awake, I don't want to breathe anymore. I don't want to face anything. I can't believe I am where I am right now. I can't believe I told my sister how bad I feel. I am lost and I am starting to be scared of myself. I am so "down in the dumps" that I don't want to live with myself anymore. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. My clothes are starting to fall off of me. Life looks more and more pointless. I planned to move in with my sister and I was so excited, until I was blindsided with depression and self-hate. I am so better off if I was dead. The only hope I have right now is that I hope I die from God taking me home and not by my own hand.

I live with my grandma right now and today was the first time in a very long time she came to my room today and asked me if I was okay. Like I tell everyone and like I told her, "I'm fine." and she actually said "no, no you're not." For once she noticed and it was very heart breaking to me to know that I am so bad that my grandma noticed. She doesn't really believe in the whole depression stuff, but she can see how much I am hating myself.

Depression isn't just being sad. Depression feels like an endless emptiness. You feel hopeless. I don't want to be hopeless anymore. I don't want to feel empty.

Trying to find God in the darkness is hard and seems hopeless, feel like God abandon me. Except that statement isn't true, the bible tells me that. Psalms 139! Verse 7, "Where can I flee your presence?" Verse 12, "even the darkness is not dark to you." I may be in the pits, and may feel like I am in the darkness, but God is there. I have made the choice to turn my face away from God because I feel ashamed of who I am and of my depression. My darkness is dark because I choose to sit in it and let it devour me up. I abandon God. I choose to jump into the deep waters and struggle. I choose not to grab onto the life raft that is in reach.

So what is wrong with me? I don't have God. Solution? I need God.

Hurry up, January

When I wake up in the morning it's going to be December 1st. From that day I count down the days until I move and that is between 40 and 60 days. 

I don't have much else to say about it besides that those days can't be over soon enough. I'm so sick of fake people here. Goodbye past, hello fresh start. 

Wicked Hearted Sinner

I am diabetic. I am depressed. I have suicidal thoughts. I will tell you that these three things don't mix! Being a diabetic and depressed, you don't eat and your blood sugars are low. Diabetic and suicidal thoughts, it's so easy to not take insulin and eat much sugars as you want until your body has started to have organ failure. Or take to much insulin to kill you. 

You know it's very tempting! I will be honest, I have had hopes that one of those things would happen to me for a long time. Now that I'm showing signs, I'm not wishing it nearly as much. I'm accepting it just fine, though.

I haven't gone to the doctor but I can tell. My body is showing signs. I am only 18 but have nerve pain, the tingling, numbness, and stabbing pain. My eyes have moments where everything turns blurry. Ive lost almost 20lbs without trying much, unusual weight loss is a sign of uncontrolled sugars. Doctors told me to not let this disease run my life, I'm not, I'm letting it end it. Why?

What is wrong with me? I don't know. I let my life and my past keep me from my dreams. I don't let myself shoot for dreams because I've always expected God to take me home before I could ever do anything. I figured I would find just that last ounce of courage to end it all.

I'm emotional. I'm a mess or better term, a hopeless wreck. I can't be fixed by any counselor. No medication in this world could make me better. There are hugs I have received that have stuck me back together just enough to keep going. I don't want to anymore. You can say I'm down right selfish. I will, indeed, hurt some people if I ever did kill myself. So I will sink back down into my black hole of desperation and devastation. I will sit here and if anyone asks. I will turn on the battery powered light and smile, tell them everything is perfect! I'm doing well! And once they go away, turn the light off... I can do this as long as that battery light last. I will hide my face and drown in everything that is attacking me until I can muster up an ounce of courage to kill myself or muster up enough strength to pull myself out of this dark pit. I can find God in this pit, but I'm not afraid to admit that I'm ashamed of what I have become and where I have wondered off to. My heart is so wicked.

"Lord help me," I cry out, but yet I turn my face away from you and look for satisfaction in this world, and this world is turning this heart into something so wicked. I don't understand how I've made this choice, well I do, free will, but I don't understand why I haven't looked away. Maybe because sin likes the darkness and I stay hidden in the darkness.

How have I said "God, you aren't enough!" by all my actions and choices. I get angry with you because things change and for the worse. How can I be angry at God that doesn't change? 

I need to choose to delight in The Lord or delight in worldly things. My heart and brain want to delight in The Lord; but also, it chooses to delight in worldly things.

Everything needs to change. Change for the better, but I don't understand so much. I don't know what I'm doing! 

What am I doing? Where am I going? Why has my heart turned so wicked? Why have I turned away from Christ, where everything matters? Being satisfied here won't last! Build up for the kingdom, where things won't rot or be destroyed. 

I welcome death like it's nothing. I would bring death upon myself. Lord, that needs to change!

Lord help this wicked hearted sinner... 

Grief Stricken

I choose this photo as it is pictures of my nieces and a few of my sister. They are closer to my heart tonight.

I am so grief stricken at the tragedy that has happened in my small town. A family from my church lost their 3 year old son in a horrific farming accident. The family has requested that details aren't released. I can't imagine what heartache comes with losing a child. There is NO words to give when this happens. This is incredibly hard for me as it hits close to home. A very special family from my church, who is like family to me, lost there 12 year old son almost 4 years ago. It's hard to think that it's been 4 years and the pain still can be overwhelming. It was so hard to see this family go through losing their son, now I am going to watch another family go through the same thing. I wasn't close to the the family who lost there 3 year old son, but it seem so unreal as I just seen him running around, giggling only 4-5 days ago. It's so hard to think that life can be over in just a minute. Death is a reminder of that, but it's never a reminder you want.

I am thankful that our church is a strong church when it comes to support. We canceled Sunday school and our regular sermon today to come together as a church to grieve and pray, and to show support to all of us who are grieving the loss of this special little boy. We lifted them up in prayer. It was so very emotional as I sat there in church. A very close family that I sit with every week, has 5 children, with number 6 due in January. I am very close with them and I love their children so very much. They are like my family, as the kids call me their "big sister." One of the smaller ones, Charlotte, who is 4, stayed back from Children's Church, to sit with her parents, her grandparents, and I. I was sitting by her mom and she was sitting on my lap. I was holding her hand so tight! I asked God why this happened to this poor little boy? Why this little boy had to die!? As the tears ran down my face for a little boy that I only seen in passing, my heart ached so bad for this family. I thinking what if this was Charlotte (or any of her siblings) or my two nieces who live 14 hours away. I held Charlotte's hand a little tighter. I wanted to drive to my nieces and hold them and show them how much their Auntie loves them. I wanted to sit there holding Charlotte's hand, as life is so precious. I wanted to find her other siblings and hug them. I am not a mother, I can't imagine the pain of losing a child, but I still can't comprehend how I would be if I lost any of the kids who are so near and dear to my heart, let alone comprehend the pain this family is going through.

My heart is shattered, so broken. The past 4 years has been so tragic. Three kids have died in our county, two who drowned, and one little boy who locked himself in a trunk. My friends 12 year old son, and now this little boy. Two, 20 something year olds killed in car accidents, and those who have been in accidents and lived. It rattles me up as I am a driver myself, I think, what if it was me? 

Life is just a blink. This little boy was only THREE. 3 years old! That is not even blink!

I question God why, but who am I to ask this powerful God, why? I sit here tonight with more tears falling down my face, but instead of asking God why, I lift this family up in prayer. Searching my bible for verses that could be a drop of comfort or a remind that God is still in control. He is still a loving God.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

New Glasses

There is something about getting new shoes and new glasses that I absolutely dislike.

THIS. This is why. I just can't get use to this look.